I am progressing on well with my pregnancy

Today  i am sixteen weeks pregnant. The journey seems slower than i expected. I am still having a few pregnancy side effects which are of course expected. What i cant wait are the baby kicks that i anticipate to start soon. Guess what i already bought a pretty 5 piece diaper bag and in there, there is a baby shawl, a warmer and some baby suits. Don't ask me why i am doing baby shopping so early its just that am excited to have this baby. I feel the baby needs so much and little by little i will have filled her room with all that she needs.

I already attended my first antenatal appointment at thirteen weeks. A series of tests were taken whose results i will be going to collect this Friday. What was surprising during that appointment is how inquisitive the doctor was about the baby daddy a subject that i did not like. You may be wondering how i am coping with no word from baby daddy. I had anticipated this to happen and so i braved myself for such a time like this; Though there have been countless times that i wished that he was around. 

The first week of February i attended a job interview. I really need this job and i hope i will get it. I had to find a way of concealing my pregnancy lest it denies me the opportunity. But luckily enough some of my skirt suits can still fit me despite my bigger tummy. I managed and i can assure you no one noticed i could be pregnant. In the next two weeks, i will know whether i got the job or not and i need prayers from you my readers. Its a job that i deserve to get. If i get it, it will enhance my career progress and i will be able to settle my dreams.My two very strong vulnerabilities never featured anywhere during the interview, my pregnancy and my HIV status, and they are the more reason i need this job. My family is now bigger, i got five mouths to feed.

I just love the feeling of being pregnant. Its a choice that not many will take but i am determined to go through it no matter what. I am also experiencing very bad mood swings; and the worst is withdrawal symptoms like those of someone with depression. I am not sure if its stress but i think am trying to cope. I just thank God that i am able to go through this. Its his favor that has made me come this far. 

Ask me how valentines was and i assure you i pulled through. Guess what i did, i read a composition written by my son while in class four about his mother. That was the best valentine gift i had. The words made me cry so much. I could not believe that's how Kev thought about his mother. The sweet words were so strong. I could not help imagine of this other bundle of joy's word's when she is told to write about her mother. I hope she remembers to write the songs i sing to her now. The love day passed and life moves on. The most important thing is that i love myself and nothing, no matter what will bring me down.

I did not buy mum a Christmas dress as i always do because that was when i was going through the worst form of morning sickness. But as i shopped for baby clothes. I bought her a dress too. How i wish that its a girl so that any time she celebrates her birthday, i fix my mum's birthday too since my mum doesn't know the date she was born apart from the year. And as my mum blows sixty plus candles baby girl starts to count one.

First Trimester

Happy New Year to all of you my readers.
Today i am eleven weeks pregnant. The journey in the last close to three months has not been easy with morning sickness being the most bothersome side effect of this pregnancy. Waking up with nausea every morning i have had to devise ways of dealing with it. First i have to take clean water before i take anything so that in case of vomiting i will vomit the water.

 Pregnancy with HIV is a tricky affair. I was already on ARVs and septrin while i conceived. I had to stop septrin as it can be harmful to my baby. Being on ARVs is better while making a decision to conceive or even breastfeed as it reduces in a great deal the likelihood of infecting the unborn. So far i have been adherent and morning sickness has not affected my adherence in any way. 

The worst nightmare i have had to bear is being alone in the most crucial moments in the development of my baby. This has  affected my concentration as more often i find myself carried away in baby daddy's thoughts. I don't blame myself for thinking about him. It was bound to happen anyway as long as i am carrying his baby. I however have to remind myself always that it was my decision to have and to keep this baby. When i informed him, he demanded i abort but i couldn't. I am having this baby God willing for i know He has wonderful plans for him/her.

I wasn't alone throughout as i got an opportunity to spend the festive season with my mother who treated me like a small baby. She would hold a cup of milk for me to take as soon as i vomited everything i had had for breakfast in the mornings. The most exciting were stories of her own experience of her pregnancy with me. While there i suffered itchy eyes and she was so glad to share her own experience and remedy. She made some concoction and advised me to wash my eyes with it and the itchiness was no more. It was the best moment that i will always cherish. 

Cravings and dislike of certain foods have been another issue. These days i only eat if i like something. If i force it just will come out. I crave for things that i have liked even before currently pork on my number one on crave list. 

My greatest disappointment has been not joining the job i expected to join this month. Its heart rending. I have cried cannot cry anymore. As the only breadwinner of my family, this is my worst moment. I am just hoping that the strength that i have always had will sustain me so that i don't affect my baby in my womb with my stress. Right now i can only pray. Pray for a job to enable me cater for my family's needs. My own mother depends sorely on me and i must say that the only consolation now is spending a day on my bed and crying and doing all i can to find a job. 

I enjoy counseling, but right now i got no patience to listen to anybody. Am so occupied with my own problems. But i am not giving up. That's not anything i will ever do. I will keep hope alive and baby Wambui will be born healthy and will get all her needs met in Jesus name. 

Susan's Confession

I had gone for my usual clinic appointment when i sat next to a lady at the waiting bay. I am not usually talkative in real life and keep to myself, wait until am served and then leave quietly as i came. But this day was different. My neighbor seemed uncomfortable being quiet and she managed to introduce herself to me. I think she really wanted to vent out on this day because i must say she was bold enough to talk to me considering how i put a 'don't talk to me face' while at the clinic.

Susan is her name. She lives in Nairobi's Eastlands area. She began her story. Susan is 34 years old now and i couldn't help to notice how handsome her son was as she kept on cuddling him as we waited to be served. Her son Brian is now eight months. She informed me that he was so far negative and she was excited over this. She had followed all the PMTCT guidelines to the later to ensure she did not make any mistake.

She had reasons why she had been too cautious. Susan had been on the dating scene for years. At first she had opted to marry only a Hiv positive man. But as her biological clock ticked, she got impatient. One day, she felt she couldn't take it anymore. She was determined to have a family yet no man was forthcoming. HIV had become a barrier to her happiness. She decided that she would put hiv at the back of her mind and open herself to dating any man who liked her. What she dreaded most was the likelihood of being asked to go for a HIV test by a prospective boyfriend. 

Chris came along. He was all over her within no time and he did not bother to ask her to go for a test. She decided she wasn't going to loose him. She decided to keep mum over her HIV status. With time, Chris proposed and she definitely rushed to the suggestion of living together. She wanted a baby so much that within the first six months, she had already conceived baby Brian.

To date, two years later, HIV has never been a subject in their family. Susan chose to live with her secret and therefore cannot discuss safe sex in her marriage. That is the sacrifice she had to take to have a family. However, Susan still continues with her clinic appointments and adheres to her treatment as instructed by the doctors. She had to change pill time to accommodate herself to the time her husband is away. Thanks to her being cautious, she is yet to be caught by her husband nor has he ever been suspicious. For now they are living a happy family with HIV buried under the table. I only wish that HIV does not rear its ugly head soon but Susan told me she would cross the bridge when she gets there. For now what matters to her is her family; Chris and Brian. 'If i had continued to disclose my status to every Dick and Harry who approached me, Chris and Brian would be nowhere' she told me.

I cannot judge Susan. I myself i am a victim of trapping a man into making me pregnant just because i wanted a baby so much. We always blame it on the biological clock but to me its more than that. Its the urge to find love in the crudest means possible. For Susan, Brian loves her unconditionally and same here, i am sure that baby Wambui will love mummy unconditionally too. 
We may have committed sin if judged by the human folk, but the search for unconditional love and the need to belong overcame us to do this. Under the sexual offenses act 2009, Susan would be jailed for intentionally infecting Chris if Chris discovers her secret and if he tests HIV positive. Yes what we have done is not right both in law and in the Bible. I totally agree. But we already did it and its now in the past. Judging us would be like crying over spilt water.
I know Susan and I are not alone. There are many other women out there who do crazy things. We are not exceptional in any way. Today i was on Google and guess what i goggled? "Pregnant with my ex's baby" and that alone gave me more than 88million results. Oooops i am not alone. 

My first visit to a gyno

Since i tested positive for pregnancy, i spent sleepless nights due to severe cramps. It got a time when i had shoulder pain and i couldn't lift my left hand for a week. Its these symptoms that really got me scared and i decided to see a gyno who has a record to successfully solve reproductive health issues in many women. I knew this would come with a cost but i chose him for the sake of my health. Since i started living with the HIV virus, my health always comes first and any pain or unusual feeling is taken very seriously. I have previously experienced poz people who ignored a feeling or a pain and they ended up in a hospital bed. I travelled all the way to his clinic a journey that took me three hours. We had never met but i knew in my heart he would help me. 

The first thing that i talked to him about was my HIV positive status and that i was pregnant out of choice twelve years later after my first born son. He congratulated me for this and i felt very welcome. I went ahead to narrate what had brought me all the way from Nairobi to see him. At first, the symptoms made him suspect ectopic pregnancy and he asked me when i has taken an emergency pill last. I couldn't remember so he ruled it out and told me all will be well. 

He recommended a ultrasound as much as my pregnancy was only five weeks old just to find out what would be causing the pain in my stomach. As i rested on that bed as the technician conducted the ultrasound, i prayed that my baby would be fine. The technician however mentioned to me that there was a problem with my left ovary which my doctor would explain better. I left the lab and walked back to my doctors clinic in faith that all was well. As the doctor opened the envelop from the lab, i was so anxious and i was just wondering what news that envelope carried and what mattered most was my baby's health.

He read the pelvic ultrasound report that indicated my baby was well forming and corresponded to five weeks and one day. There were no uterine fibroids seen and my right ovary is normal. However there is a well defined left ovarian cyst measuring approximately 3.04cm by 3.50 cm. And the sonographer had suggested a three weeks follow up to confirm viability. 

The doctor explained that most cysts in pregnancy go away on their own and therefore there was no need to worry. He also informed me that trying to interfere this early in pregnancy would put me in danger of a miscarriage and therefore told me to relax. The highest possibility was that the cyst would go away on its own. Other possibilities would be that the cyst would rapidly grow, bleed or rupture and also may twist.

The doctor however assured me that that having cysts during pregnancy is fairly common in many women and is harmless to my baby. Oh i walked out informed and encouraged. Yes baby Wambui(my chosen name for my baby girl) stay in there mummy loves you so much. 

In the meantime, speculation continues for who my baby daddy is even to a point where a counselor suspected that i was a victim of infecting the man who is my baby daddy. No never would i infect anyone with my virus. I made sure my baby daddy is a man i had known for five years and had the virus too. I also ensured that we only had unprotected sex when i was very likely to get pregnant and it was easy somehow to convince him though he would tell me to take emergency pill to caution against pregnancy but he did not know that that what he did not want was what i wanted so much. 

Mum is already aware of my pregnancy and i am glad that i let her know that i am expecting. Kev is not and i feel its best to keep it that way until he sees my big belly.

On the road to Motherhood again, and am travelling solo

I am a go-getter and when i promise myself i want something, i do not care about the risks. I believe in taking risks and overcoming to feel good that i did it. I decided i wanted a baby a few months back. And i went ahead and put measures towards achieving what i wanted. I went ahead and chose the man to have a baby with. It was easiest to choose my ex because if i invited him for a sex date he wouldn't deny me. Secondly, my ex is HIV positive just like i am and therefore i was comfortable that i wasn't going to pass the damn virus to baby daddy. I also knew my ex did not need a baby and so it was easy for him to deny responsibility. I went ahead and ensured that i gave him a sex date only when i was sure i was most likely going to conceive. I only failed once and the next month i am pregnant!

Before i got pregnant i talked to several doctors and most would say my case is very rare. Very few women take such drastic decisions like i did these days. Some were so discouraging wondering why i wanted to have another baby yet i already had one. Others asked why i needed another baby yet i was living with HIV and i wondered whether HIV positive mothers do not have rights to choose what they want. Another even told me that its very hard for me to conceive i wonder what he would say now that i am celebrating. 

 I am now officially pregnant and i feel over the moon. The news are just exciting. I am very well aware of the long journey that am gonna take, the process of ensuring my baby isn't infected by the virus and i am soo ready for it.

A change of environment is also quite exciting as i am moving to a different town. Actually am moving closer to my  mum. I wonna get a baby girl and name her after my mother because i love her so much. God forbid a boy because i will have to name him after my brother who we are not in good terms currently. If it happens then i will have defy traditions and give my son a different name. 

I know the road to motherhood alone isn't going to be easy and lucky me i got women friends who are very caring. I like them more those that are single mums because they completely feel me. I have already given them the news and they have assured me of their support. For now am loving it. I have been sleepless and so have got the opportunity to feel the process of GOD creating a new being within me. I am already starting to feel heavy. I am eating like a pig and it feels very good considering how i have been poor in  the food department. I have had to be pushed to eat but now its crazy. The craving for smokie starts early and i frown on the shop early in the morning when i find they have not yet opened. I did not know it was craving till last night when i confirmed the test. 

This feeling feels like a first time. I had my son while so young and i cant remember so much of what i went through during pregnancy. This time i am pregnant out of choice. Its lovely. Its wonderful. May God grant me the grace i need to travel this road and finish the race. As for my friends, your support this time is paramount. I know i will be moody but thank God i will be in a new office. I have been blessed with two things at the same time. A new job, and a pregnancy. Who am i not to say that Jehovah is worthy of all praise. I have prayed to get a job and he has greatly rewarded me and now a baby, wow. Its joy that i cannot explain. 

I have some fears though. Its my hope that the two most important people in my life will understand me; my son and my mum. They better because i am gonna add another to their fold. 

As i begin counting 280 days, i hope that you will be part of this journey. I am also having other needs for now because i don't think i will want to walk a lot once my belly begins to grow big. By then, i am trusting that God will have blessed me with a car to ease my movement as i juggle between work and pregnancy.   Its gonna be an eventful journey. Hoping it will be all joy. Watch this space!

I celebrate you today for touching my heart in a special way

They say each person with HIV goes through a denial phase at a certain time in their life and i am no exception. Since 2006, i was always excited over not being on medication and any time i received septrin(cotrimaxazole) i would not take. I had started with a CD4 count of 927 and i somehow believed i was too healthy for the virus. But the counts went down anytime i went back for my clinic appointment maybe because i had been disobedient and not followed the doctor's instructions to the latter. 

Close to the end of the year 2010, my counts had come down to 278 and doctors advised me to start medication. I refused and demanded that i be given time to think. I could not take forever and therefore had to begin medication and on Valentines 2011, i began. 

My face book page Pauline Gift Zawadi just like this blog is the place where i have vented out my feelings for close to five years now. I always share with my friends and followers what i  go through both emotionally and physically. 
Just after start of my taking ARVs, I sometimes would forget to take medication and i made this call to my face book friends to be reminding me to take my drugs and three friends came out to help; Pamela, Marcie and Symo. They would remind me to take medication daily. I celebrate the three of you today. You all touched my heart in a special way and i pray for Gods blessings upon your lives.
 From February to November Pamela sent me either a message or called daily to remind me to take my drugs. I had never met Pamela till sometimes in September 2011. She had requested me to be one of her bridesmaid during her wedding in November. The wedding was awesome. I went to Kisumu with my best friend and cousin Sue and it was quite an adventure.

Pamela, how i pray wherever you are that God blesses you abundantly. Your commitment for that long till your wedding day will never leave my memory. During those months that you sent an sms or called, i felt so proud. I had received a treatment partner who was like a sister to me. Not even my brother has ever been that good to me.  
I celebrate Pastor Jackson Musya in a special way. You came into my life and have not tired to encourage me yet have never met me. Please accept this gift of appreciation on behalf of all the facebook friends that have stood with me through thick and thin.
I love it when i have to show love to the vulnerable ones. I severally made calls for help to some of our sisters who were going through hardships and some face book friends without knowing me personally trusted me with their money through mpesa in response to the calls. Some of you even came from far away towns just to respond to the calls and help out a sister. Wambui has been grateful to date for becoming her friends at her time of need. However, Wambui is currently depressed after loosing her only adorable daughter who was HIV positive. As for Carol and Njeri, they passed on and may their souls rest in peace. 
On face book, you friends have been my support especially psychologically. Its through your comments that i feel your love. If it were not for you maybe going through my life would have been more difficult. 
I therefore call upon you to continue doing good you never know how much it means to that other person.  
And finally since i started this blog, i have my staunch readers. Thank you so much for the support. Be blessed.

Muthoni's slow recovery- There is light at the end of every tunnel

When we young, my mother used to do casual labor at neighboring farms. The experience was different from one neighbor to another as i always studied my mum's emotions after work. There are those women who really looked down on her, frustrated her or even verbally abused her. But there was this particular woman (Muthoni) who was exemplary. She would not only pay her in time but would share some goodies including her old clothes with her. 

Muthoni's husband works with the defense forces and from earlier days of their marriage, she lived an admirable life as a housewife. But Muthoni got led astray by her peers and she left her matrimonial home citing denial of conjugal rights by her husband. Muthoni was right. Her husband would take even an year away from home but would consistently send money home. When she left home, she went to my now famous town where she joined other single women in the business. The women introduced her to their usual night outs and Muthoni was excited having never experienced this kind of lifestyle. 

To cut the story short, Muthoni ended up contracting HIV and became too sick to being bedridden. Her friends avoided her for they felt she would ruin their business. Having been an orphan, the only home she would go back to was her husband's. Her friends dropped her at the home and spend off. The shock both at home and in the village was immense. Muthoni needed urgent medical attention otherwise she would die. Her one side of body had become paralyzed and she could not walk. 

She was rushed to the nearest district hospital where she received emergency treatment and from the doctor's examination, her body was in bad shape and required instant admission. She stuck in hospital for two long months and even when she left hospital, she wasn't healed but the husband had refused to pay her bills. She was brought home still with tubes from her bladder as she could not pee by herself. Its this time when news spread throughout the village and no one from the village wanted to be associated with her. But my mother was. She prepared Kev and they went to visit Muthoni and on her bedside they cried with her and encouraged her. 

It was this particular visit that Kev warned mum not to take him again to visit Muthoni. Kev was traumatized on seeing Muthoni in her bedridden state. Anytime he is told that mum is visiting Muthoni he hides so he is not told to accompany her.

Since Muthoni left hospital, her family and villagers have waited for her death but she has not died. Her husband has since remarried and were it not for her father in law, Muthoni would have been kicked out on the streets by her husband. Her father in law told the husband that the only wife he recognizes as part of his family is Muthoni. The husband has since moved Muthoni's cowife away from the home and bought her land elsewhere. He does not support Muthoni directly but supports Muthoni's son who in turn has been patient and helpful to the mother. Muthoni's last daughter who through the influence of her step mum hates her mum saying she broke their family.

Muthoni saw me last as a small girl but she was told by some group of women that i support people like her. She sent mum with a message that if  i find time, i should visit her. Last week i visited Muthoni and was glad to see her taking a few steps. She told me what makes her very happy is that she can visit the washroom all by herself. All i could tell her is that she was making steps to complete recovery. Before i left i noticed she was wearing a skirt i had bought for mum. The roles had been reversed, mum was the donor this time. 

As i left Muthoni's house, i noticed a nicely built house next to Muthoni's. Mum told me it belonged to Muthoni's co-wife. But mum had been encouraging Muthoni to believe that that house will eventually be hers. Muthoni's case really helped me learn the importance of disclosure. Mum has become my ambassador in the village visiting those who ail from her daughter's disease. The love she offers them is greatly influenced by what i tell her about myself. 

The prophets of doom have been awaiting Muthoni's death, but every day she is on the road to complete recovery. Her husband always asks whether she is still alive on phone. Her last words during my visit were; 'When you hear i visited your mum, know that i have recovered'. How i pray that God heals Muthoni completely so that the village would learn that only God can take away life at his chosen time and believe in my Kikuyu proverb that says " Kurwara muno ti gukua"(Being too sick doesn't mean you are going to die).