How long am i going to try for a baby?

I recently decided to obey my urge of wanting to have a baby girl. First it was to find the man who would sire me a baby. I thought one from a different country would be good as he would sire the baby but due to distance, wont bother me with wanting to see his daughter. But the man from another country had secretly guarded his marriage for he knows i would not want to have any business with a married man. I discovered just in time of his marriage and i cut links immediately and no amount of sorry would make me change my mind.

My other option was only my ex who we met on the net and have been friends for five years now. We broke up over the fact that we were from different hater tribes and that i was a mother to a boy. Though i did not take his reasons lightly, i decided to accept and move on. But he happens to be the only man i would want to have a baby with and not regret that i ever did it. 

So i decided to trap him. I already managed to do it for one month but last evening i realized i had not been successful and i am imagining that i will have to try again this month, next one and i dont know till when.  

Many may not approve of what i am doing,but i alone hold the driver's wheel of my life. Aging is catching up me. With my condition, getting a baby at a younger age poses lesser health risks. I must say that i have refused to settle down with many men who have wanted. I like to see someone in my future and if i cant see you there then i got to spend as little time as possible with you. The kind of man i want is ideal and therefore does not exist anywhere and i do not want to place my fragile heart on someone who does not understand. Other times i find myself at crossroads having to choose between my son Kev and a man where Kev obviously comes first. Oh i wasnt talking about a man here but my baby girl. 

My mother only had me as a daughter and i usually feel her when she says she wishes she had more daughters than sons because when the sons got married they abandoned her but am still there because she is the most important mother in the world. I want to feel the same. I want my daughter to grow and become beautiful like i am but i dont want her to go through what i went through. I want her to be born free of hiv and i hope it shall be so.

As for now, i hope my ex remains in my box without knowing what i am up to otherwise my dream may not come true if he happens to get wind of it.

My return visit for ART

Yesterday was my day that i was to go back for my comprehensive care appointment and for a refill for my anti retro viral drugs. This clinic nowadays is overflowing with clients and its only yesterday that i realized it also has a good number of young men. Previously i only happened to find older men and women and mothers carrying babies.

I arrived at the waiting bay at 9.30am and handed in my appointment card. The queuing began and i tell you while here nobody can tell you how long you gonna take warming the seats at the clinic. The plastic seats arent comfortable at all and with someone like me with a small sitting allowance, they did quite some injustice to my butts coz when i woke up they were aching.

From the reception when my name was called, we went to another all familiar waiting room to see the nurse who does the basics like taking weight, pressure, body temperature etc. Here another hour gone and i hadn't got in to see the nurse and the only thing that kept me busy was my phone. I love social media but my phone went off as i waited and i then had to keep busy reading everything on the walls.

I finally did get in to the nurse who did not even give me a smile. The process went faster than i expected in there and off i went to wait for the call to see the clinician. I was surprised when i entered the clinicians room and it was a man. Hmmmm i always like it when i have to chat with a man. Its more easier to share my issues than with a female doctor. Here i realised the clinician had already taken a glimpse of what was in my file and the first question was why my count was not stable. He read from the first count after starting ART to the most recent and he noted it was not appealing. He gave me a warning that i better take my drugs well or else. I dont like such scares. He also demanded that i use condoms anytime i have sex. I almost felt like he knew that i had not used a condom the last time i had had sex because my little head is still yearning for a baby girl. I told him that my counts may not have been consistent because at times they are taken when am on my menses. He laughed that off and told me to be serious and be adherent to my drugs.

He gave me my prescription and a lab test form and off i went. My next stop was the pharmacy. This time there were a few changes in this room. A drug consignment had just been delivered and drug cartons were everywhere. I did not see the famous dust bin where those that do not like the noisy bottles transfer their drugs into plastic papers. I am always in awe wondering how they know which drug is which in the name of hiding their prescription.

I left pharmacy off to the lab. First i was informed that the lab had been moved from the familiar territory to the new building. It was approaching lunch time and i was already feeling hunger pangs. I walked to the lab only to find the longest queue ever. Here, they do not just test those of us from the comprehensive care, its everybody who goes to the hospital and needs a test. I joined the queue and i was yawning after every minute and some friendly person told me to visit the cafe in the building if am feeling hungry. The meals here are definitely not pocket friendly to all clients and most had to endure the hunger despite the food smell that penetrated into the waiting bay. I sat and was served a plate of pilau and an overcooked chicken piece. I ate so hungrily i hope nobody was watching as i had not had any breakfast. 

My turn finally came and when i gave my hand to the lab technologist to draw blood, i couldn't help to feel how she kept on pricking me in the search of my vein. I persevered and finally the dreadful process of drawing my blood was over and pheew off i went home.

I do not miss going back for my clinic appointments. I hate the waiting bays. Although they give me an opportunity of knowing am not alone in carrying this monster called HIV, its never been fun waiting. Yesterday i saw some man with a book and another with a newspaper but even them the waiting was too long they still dozed. I do not wish to return and i hope the next time i return, its to collect my referral to a different clinic. Lucky me they gave me three months dose to allow me time to find a new clinic.

Hey Pauline where have you been?

Mark visited my office this morning. And his mission was to ask me why i stopped writing. I felt bad and decided to visit my blog. Life has not been easy for me since September and i have not been myself. I am just telling myself that i am just going through a phase. 

After September, i have had quite an experience at work. Remember telling you on September 19 i was going through anxiety? maybe i had a premonition of what was going to happen. Come 1st October i received a letter from the HR. It indicated a salary deduction citing low funding. But it also came with added responsibilities as my supervisor who had received the same kind of letter had decided to resign.

After the supervisor left, the organization boss called me to her office and was given instructions. As i sat there listening to her, i imagined what entailed the instructions she was giving. In this organization, the boss has the last word. Oh and i tell you she does not make decisions alone. She has a personal assistant who she is fond of calling 'Miguna'. This Miguna is the source of the sack letters, salary deduction letters that have affected the lives of staff who have been working here in the last decade. She is always said to add salt whenever boss decides a certain staff must go.

They say you should not spill the beans of the hand that has fed you for years, but that is not what i am doing here, i am confessing. When i went to bed that night after receiving instructions, i felt how unfair it was for my supervisor to have left me all alone. She has not actually been like a boss to me.She has been a colleague and we share a lot in common including a name. She is the one who helps me out with my Anti retro viral therapy problems like when i cant swallow the bitter pills she exchanges her coated ones with mine. She has been like a sister to me. 

The next morning i came to the office very early and wrote a letter to the HR declining the salary deduction notice and of course citing my reasons. I also declined responsibilities that my supervisor was doing. The miracle that happened was that my Supervisor is back. I felt excited over this. 

I am happy for now, but the letter came with a wake up call. I have overstayed here and got to move out before i am handed another letter and you dont have to guess a dismissal one. All i am praying that getting somewhere else comes first because i wouldn't imagine the personal assistants smile while handing me a letter of dismissal.