I celebrate you today for touching my heart in a special way

They say each person with HIV goes through a denial phase at a certain time in their life and i am no exception. Since 2006, i was always excited over not being on medication and any time i received septrin(cotrimaxazole) i would not take. I had started with a CD4 count of 927 and i somehow believed i was too healthy for the virus. But the counts went down anytime i went back for my clinic appointment maybe because i had been disobedient and not followed the doctor's instructions to the latter. 

Close to the end of the year 2010, my counts had come down to 278 and doctors advised me to start medication. I refused and demanded that i be given time to think. I could not take forever and therefore had to begin medication and on Valentines 2011, i began. 

My face book page Pauline Gift Zawadi just like this blog is the place where i have vented out my feelings for close to five years now. I always share with my friends and followers what i  go through both emotionally and physically. 
Just after start of my taking ARVs, I sometimes would forget to take medication and i made this call to my face book friends to be reminding me to take my drugs and three friends came out to help; Pamela, Marcie and Symo. They would remind me to take medication daily. I celebrate the three of you today. You all touched my heart in a special way and i pray for Gods blessings upon your lives.
 From February to November Pamela sent me either a message or called daily to remind me to take my drugs. I had never met Pamela till sometimes in September 2011. She had requested me to be one of her bridesmaid during her wedding in November. The wedding was awesome. I went to Kisumu with my best friend and cousin Sue and it was quite an adventure.

Pamela, how i pray wherever you are that God blesses you abundantly. Your commitment for that long till your wedding day will never leave my memory. During those months that you sent an sms or called, i felt so proud. I had received a treatment partner who was like a sister to me. Not even my brother has ever been that good to me.  
I celebrate Pastor Jackson Musya in a special way. You came into my life and have not tired to encourage me yet have never met me. Please accept this gift of appreciation on behalf of all the facebook friends that have stood with me through thick and thin.
I love it when i have to show love to the vulnerable ones. I severally made calls for help to some of our sisters who were going through hardships and some face book friends without knowing me personally trusted me with their money through mpesa in response to the calls. Some of you even came from far away towns just to respond to the calls and help out a sister. Wambui has been grateful to date for becoming her friends at her time of need. However, Wambui is currently depressed after loosing her only adorable daughter who was HIV positive. As for Carol and Njeri, they passed on and may their souls rest in peace. 
On face book, you friends have been my support especially psychologically. Its through your comments that i feel your love. If it were not for you maybe going through my life would have been more difficult. 
I therefore call upon you to continue doing good you never know how much it means to that other person.  
And finally since i started this blog, i have my staunch readers. Thank you so much for the support. Be blessed.

Muthoni's slow recovery- There is light at the end of every tunnel

When we young, my mother used to do casual labor at neighboring farms. The experience was different from one neighbor to another as i always studied my mum's emotions after work. There are those women who really looked down on her, frustrated her or even verbally abused her. But there was this particular woman (Muthoni) who was exemplary. She would not only pay her in time but would share some goodies including her old clothes with her. 

Muthoni's husband works with the defense forces and from earlier days of their marriage, she lived an admirable life as a housewife. But Muthoni got led astray by her peers and she left her matrimonial home citing denial of conjugal rights by her husband. Muthoni was right. Her husband would take even an year away from home but would consistently send money home. When she left home, she went to my now famous town where she joined other single women in the business. The women introduced her to their usual night outs and Muthoni was excited having never experienced this kind of lifestyle. 

To cut the story short, Muthoni ended up contracting HIV and became too sick to being bedridden. Her friends avoided her for they felt she would ruin their business. Having been an orphan, the only home she would go back to was her husband's. Her friends dropped her at the home and spend off. The shock both at home and in the village was immense. Muthoni needed urgent medical attention otherwise she would die. Her one side of body had become paralyzed and she could not walk. 

She was rushed to the nearest district hospital where she received emergency treatment and from the doctor's examination, her body was in bad shape and required instant admission. She stuck in hospital for two long months and even when she left hospital, she wasn't healed but the husband had refused to pay her bills. She was brought home still with tubes from her bladder as she could not pee by herself. Its this time when news spread throughout the village and no one from the village wanted to be associated with her. But my mother was. She prepared Kev and they went to visit Muthoni and on her bedside they cried with her and encouraged her. 

It was this particular visit that Kev warned mum not to take him again to visit Muthoni. Kev was traumatized on seeing Muthoni in her bedridden state. Anytime he is told that mum is visiting Muthoni he hides so he is not told to accompany her.

Since Muthoni left hospital, her family and villagers have waited for her death but she has not died. Her husband has since remarried and were it not for her father in law, Muthoni would have been kicked out on the streets by her husband. Her father in law told the husband that the only wife he recognizes as part of his family is Muthoni. The husband has since moved Muthoni's cowife away from the home and bought her land elsewhere. He does not support Muthoni directly but supports Muthoni's son who in turn has been patient and helpful to the mother. Muthoni's last daughter who through the influence of her step mum hates her mum saying she broke their family.

Muthoni saw me last as a small girl but she was told by some group of women that i support people like her. She sent mum with a message that if  i find time, i should visit her. Last week i visited Muthoni and was glad to see her taking a few steps. She told me what makes her very happy is that she can visit the washroom all by herself. All i could tell her is that she was making steps to complete recovery. Before i left i noticed she was wearing a skirt i had bought for mum. The roles had been reversed, mum was the donor this time. 

As i left Muthoni's house, i noticed a nicely built house next to Muthoni's. Mum told me it belonged to Muthoni's co-wife. But mum had been encouraging Muthoni to believe that that house will eventually be hers. Muthoni's case really helped me learn the importance of disclosure. Mum has become my ambassador in the village visiting those who ail from her daughter's disease. The love she offers them is greatly influenced by what i tell her about myself. 

The prophets of doom have been awaiting Muthoni's death, but every day she is on the road to complete recovery. Her husband always asks whether she is still alive on phone. Her last words during my visit were; 'When you hear i visited your mum, know that i have recovered'. How i pray that God heals Muthoni completely so that the village would learn that only God can take away life at his chosen time and believe in my Kikuyu proverb that says " Kurwara muno ti gukua"(Being too sick doesn't mean you are going to die).

Trip to the Pearl of Africa- Kampala Uganda

I received an invitation to attend a regional seminar on reintegration of young girls who have been involved in sex work or sexual exploitation sometimes back last month. This came as a surprise not just to me but to my organization too. I was to go back to the pearl of Africa Uganda where i first went when i attended the international workshop on resource mobilization a year ago. 

 I had been booked to fly with air Uganda and come Monday, i was delayed due to traffic  but luckily i still managed to board the flight just before time for take off. This is a 50minutes flight to Kampala and by 3pm i had arrived. Surprisingly, here i got to meet other Kenyans who i had not met before but were attending the same regional seminar with me. During this particular time, we became brothers and sisters in foreign land though having come from different parts of Kenya.

The first day of the seminar was quite welcoming as we got to learn what Ugandans were doing in their rescue missions. It was interesting to conduct observations through the projects that we visited. Some projects just sounded unique from the presentation but observation gave a different story. One project however was amazing. A project that rescues young girls and boys from the streets, shelters them for a period of six months during which the young people go through a series of trainings, counseling including vocational training. This facilitates their rehabilitation and reintegration back to society. As we visited the projects, it was amazing to watch the countryside of the land of Museveni, to listen to the sweet voices of the people and just walk leisury. We went shopping in the afternoon and i was surprised that those shopping areas are just as overpopulated like our own Eastleigh, Githurai and Kayole. Its difficult to tell that you are in a different country because all Kenyan supermarkets, companies are there. Kariuki and Karuri are already making a kill in the land of thousands. I say in the land of the thousands because my Kenyan money quadrupled into thousands once i got there. I did not know the worth of my bob until it turned into 30UG shillings.  Anyway a few things here are way cheaper than Kenya and i left with a few of my favorite dresses.

I do not enjoy seating and listening to presentations, and Wednesday morning was really boring and i looked forward to going for the cultural dance event in the evening. Hmmmm i must say i it was awesome at Ndere centre with the young dancers of Uganda expressing themselves in dance. This is an event that happens every Wednesday here and it attracts very many tourists as well as locals. I think this is the most memorable event to me because i also had an opportunity to shake a bit too.

Thursday had been planned that we would be treated to a cocktail plus a visit to the source of the Nile. I never went to see the source of the Nile owing to my preference to go back to Nakasero for shopping. I ended up realizing that i did not have enough money to do as much shopping as i wanted and went back to my room to await my flight home.

This morning, i was awake by two am to allow time to prepare for my flight. Got ready and the driver who was to take us to the airport was too sleepy i thank God we safely got to the airport. 

Uganda, it was nice being there. You are hospitable people and am willing to come back anytime. For now got to be here, home as a mother, breadwinner and back to my daily work and challenges.

How long am i going to try for a baby?

I recently decided to obey my urge of wanting to have a baby girl. First it was to find the man who would sire me a baby. I thought one from a different country would be good as he would sire the baby but due to distance, wont bother me with wanting to see his daughter. But the man from another country had secretly guarded his marriage for he knows i would not want to have any business with a married man. I discovered just in time of his marriage and i cut links immediately and no amount of sorry would make me change my mind.

My other option was only my ex who we met on the net and have been friends for five years now. We broke up over the fact that we were from different hater tribes and that i was a mother to a boy. Though i did not take his reasons lightly, i decided to accept and move on. But he happens to be the only man i would want to have a baby with and not regret that i ever did it. 

So i decided to trap him. I already managed to do it for one month but last evening i realized i had not been successful and i am imagining that i will have to try again this month, next one and i dont know till when.  

Many may not approve of what i am doing,but i alone hold the driver's wheel of my life. Aging is catching up me. With my condition, getting a baby at a younger age poses lesser health risks. I must say that i have refused to settle down with many men who have wanted. I like to see someone in my future and if i cant see you there then i got to spend as little time as possible with you. The kind of man i want is ideal and therefore does not exist anywhere and i do not want to place my fragile heart on someone who does not understand. Other times i find myself at crossroads having to choose between my son Kev and a man where Kev obviously comes first. Oh i wasnt talking about a man here but my baby girl. 

My mother only had me as a daughter and i usually feel her when she says she wishes she had more daughters than sons because when the sons got married they abandoned her but am still there because she is the most important mother in the world. I want to feel the same. I want my daughter to grow and become beautiful like i am but i dont want her to go through what i went through. I want her to be born free of hiv and i hope it shall be so.

As for now, i hope my ex remains in my box without knowing what i am up to otherwise my dream may not come true if he happens to get wind of it.

My return visit for ART

Yesterday was my day that i was to go back for my comprehensive care appointment and for a refill for my anti retro viral drugs. This clinic nowadays is overflowing with clients and its only yesterday that i realized it also has a good number of young men. Previously i only happened to find older men and women and mothers carrying babies.

I arrived at the waiting bay at 9.30am and handed in my appointment card. The queuing began and i tell you while here nobody can tell you how long you gonna take warming the seats at the clinic. The plastic seats arent comfortable at all and with someone like me with a small sitting allowance, they did quite some injustice to my butts coz when i woke up they were aching.

From the reception when my name was called, we went to another all familiar waiting room to see the nurse who does the basics like taking weight, pressure, body temperature etc. Here another hour gone and i hadn't got in to see the nurse and the only thing that kept me busy was my phone. I love social media but my phone went off as i waited and i then had to keep busy reading everything on the walls.

I finally did get in to the nurse who did not even give me a smile. The process went faster than i expected in there and off i went to wait for the call to see the clinician. I was surprised when i entered the clinicians room and it was a man. Hmmmm i always like it when i have to chat with a man. Its more easier to share my issues than with a female doctor. Here i realised the clinician had already taken a glimpse of what was in my file and the first question was why my count was not stable. He read from the first count after starting ART to the most recent and he noted it was not appealing. He gave me a warning that i better take my drugs well or else. I dont like such scares. He also demanded that i use condoms anytime i have sex. I almost felt like he knew that i had not used a condom the last time i had had sex because my little head is still yearning for a baby girl. I told him that my counts may not have been consistent because at times they are taken when am on my menses. He laughed that off and told me to be serious and be adherent to my drugs.

He gave me my prescription and a lab test form and off i went. My next stop was the pharmacy. This time there were a few changes in this room. A drug consignment had just been delivered and drug cartons were everywhere. I did not see the famous dust bin where those that do not like the noisy bottles transfer their drugs into plastic papers. I am always in awe wondering how they know which drug is which in the name of hiding their prescription.

I left pharmacy off to the lab. First i was informed that the lab had been moved from the familiar territory to the new building. It was approaching lunch time and i was already feeling hunger pangs. I walked to the lab only to find the longest queue ever. Here, they do not just test those of us from the comprehensive care, its everybody who goes to the hospital and needs a test. I joined the queue and i was yawning after every minute and some friendly person told me to visit the cafe in the building if am feeling hungry. The meals here are definitely not pocket friendly to all clients and most had to endure the hunger despite the food smell that penetrated into the waiting bay. I sat and was served a plate of pilau and an overcooked chicken piece. I ate so hungrily i hope nobody was watching as i had not had any breakfast. 

My turn finally came and when i gave my hand to the lab technologist to draw blood, i couldn't help to feel how she kept on pricking me in the search of my vein. I persevered and finally the dreadful process of drawing my blood was over and pheew off i went home.

I do not miss going back for my clinic appointments. I hate the waiting bays. Although they give me an opportunity of knowing am not alone in carrying this monster called HIV, its never been fun waiting. Yesterday i saw some man with a book and another with a newspaper but even them the waiting was too long they still dozed. I do not wish to return and i hope the next time i return, its to collect my referral to a different clinic. Lucky me they gave me three months dose to allow me time to find a new clinic.

Hey Pauline where have you been?

Mark visited my office this morning. And his mission was to ask me why i stopped writing. I felt bad and decided to visit my blog. Life has not been easy for me since September and i have not been myself. I am just telling myself that i am just going through a phase. 

After September, i have had quite an experience at work. Remember telling you on September 19 i was going through anxiety? maybe i had a premonition of what was going to happen. Come 1st October i received a letter from the HR. It indicated a salary deduction citing low funding. But it also came with added responsibilities as my supervisor who had received the same kind of letter had decided to resign.

After the supervisor left, the organization boss called me to her office and was given instructions. As i sat there listening to her, i imagined what entailed the instructions she was giving. In this organization, the boss has the last word. Oh and i tell you she does not make decisions alone. She has a personal assistant who she is fond of calling 'Miguna'. This Miguna is the source of the sack letters, salary deduction letters that have affected the lives of staff who have been working here in the last decade. She is always said to add salt whenever boss decides a certain staff must go.

They say you should not spill the beans of the hand that has fed you for years, but that is not what i am doing here, i am confessing. When i went to bed that night after receiving instructions, i felt how unfair it was for my supervisor to have left me all alone. She has not actually been like a boss to me.She has been a colleague and we share a lot in common including a name. She is the one who helps me out with my Anti retro viral therapy problems like when i cant swallow the bitter pills she exchanges her coated ones with mine. She has been like a sister to me. 

The next morning i came to the office very early and wrote a letter to the HR declining the salary deduction notice and of course citing my reasons. I also declined responsibilities that my supervisor was doing. The miracle that happened was that my Supervisor is back. I felt excited over this. 

I am happy for now, but the letter came with a wake up call. I have overstayed here and got to move out before i am handed another letter and you dont have to guess a dismissal one. All i am praying that getting somewhere else comes first because i wouldn't imagine the personal assistants smile while handing me a letter of dismissal.

I must admit i have been suffering from general anxiety disorder

Since August, i have been having worries which i do not understand where from. Come September, more worries especially related  to my work. 

September is the month i was born and the realization that i am not growing younger is giving me sleepless nights. I have been having problems sleeping, been feeling uneasy, have been having muscle tension and my usual nausea and generalized lack of appetite.

Kev went back to school at the beginning of September. Since my boy left I have been feeling lonelier lately yet i have been single and living alone for the last six or more years. I wonder what could be happening or those who have passed through my age can help unravel this mystery.

 I recently held a meeting with a senior advisor/consultant with an international organization and during our discussion, he inquired how many years i worked here. I told him four though i knew it was more than four. Surprised he was and he told me i needed to move for more growth and exposure. The other thing we discussed was my education. He told me if i wonna remain competitive and relevant in my field i have to consider enrolling for a masters degree. The third discussion was about me and motherhood. Kev is now eleven and i am yet to have a second born. He told me jokingly that he would offer himself to be a dad to my second born. Hmmmm  i took his first and second advise very seriously. Lately though i have been having this urge to have  a daughter. Of course i could not share with him that i have been having this urge lest he finds an opportunity to pester me. 

Several changes have happened at work.Some major contracts are coming to an end this year, and though with hopes of renewal, its definitely gonna be shaky in the next few months. Bearing in mind the financial implications to the organization, the effects are going to be felt by each individual personnel. 

The worst nightmare in this our beloved country is job search. Though done a few applications here and there, i am yet to receive any invitation for interview. Its this fear of the unknown that has brought all this anxiety into my life. Unfortunately since i dont know how to deal with it, i have kept away from friends, my blog, and have not been myself. This morning, i was called and asked why i did not attend a meeting that i had been sent. I sincerely did not have an answer simply because i forgot. My memory has also been affected. I wonna be out of this anxiety soonest. I dont wonna get to Chrismas like this. I think i can only turn to the almighty for divine intervention