The "little" embarrasments that Kev has put me through

Since Kev joined boarding school, i have visited him every first Sunday of the consequent month after holidays. That means i have visited him four times now. My boy is amazing he makes me feel special everyday. He is my life and the tears i see in him any time i appear are a true testimony that he truly loves his mother. The last time i went he told me that i had to see all his teachers and i could see the pride he had introducing me to his them.

In my village, electricity is a luxury. In fact i myself used 'koroboi' that parrafin 'jua kali' made container that we called lamp. The luxury of a paraffin lamp i only saw at the neighbors. However Kev's life is different because at least his mother can afford what granny could not those days of my childhood. But Kev has embarrassed his mother not once. I never saw the need of buying a TV set since we never had electricity anyway. But Kev would disappear into the neighbors only for my mother to call me everyday that she has to walk in the dark to literally remove him from the neighbors.

It reached a point i couldn't take it anymore and i had to buy him a TV. Never mind my struggles. He finally had the TV but the most hurting thing was that once the TV was in the house, he lost interest. He never wanted to watch TV with granny and he would sleep early saying he is tired of homework.

Now back to his school visits. During the last visiting day, the bag that i carried food dishes in happened to get torn on my way there. On telling him it did, he started the nagging that i am now used to. "Mum now see its because you don't have your own car that you go through all this. What has kept you all this time from buying a car yet i always pray for you everyday?" Of course i told him all that i was going through at the time that made me not be able to acquire a car.

But wait until his best friend was visited and guess what i felt so embarrassed when he literally pulled me to see his friends mum's car. So i had to say hi to the lady and of course start a conversation about the two boys and their performance. Kev you challenge me a lot its because of you that i am able to work hard and achieve what makes you proud. I am hoping that someday soon mum will drive to your school.

So i thought i was alone and went this afternoon to discuss with my friend Symo about Kev's embarrassment at school. He is a father of boys and so i thought he would understand and at least give me some hope. What he told me made me feel parents of boy children need to be extra hardworking. Symo lives in the suburbs. He in fact had a car but sold it to pay his wife's medical bills. Symo happens to be the only one in his neighborhood without a car. Luckily for him, neighbors offer him lifts freely to him and his children whenever they need to be dropped somewhere and in particular at church.

He told me that once his children are ready for church, they usually run to the neighbors car even before the neighbors children. But that had not bothered him until an incident that happened on Sunday. There is this elderly lady neighbor who drives a big car. He says she has grown fond of him and sometimes actually comes early to wait for them to go to church together. But she insists that Symo must sit on the front seat. So last Sunday, Symo was called to a church development meeting and therefore had to be left as the rest of the family went back home. His wife went direct to the front seat but the elderly lady refused to let her sit there. She told her that the only person she allows to sit there is Symo.

When Symo got home, the wife was so furious. He was given an ultimatum that come January they must have a family car otherwise she will prefer to walk to church till they get their own car to avoid such embarrassment.

Symo and I are in the same dilemma. We have to have a car not because its a priority as per se, but because of boy demand. The only nightmare is how on earth are we going to meet the demand yet too financially constraint at the moment? I hope Kev will understand next time i go without. I am planning to tell him that i have started saving for a car and since a car is expensive we will have to wait a little bit longer. Oh dear if he was a GIRL would i always be challenged like this? Sometimes back we went to buy a wheelbarrow as i am doing some construction and the boy shouted at me" Mum that wheelbarrow isn't good quality, lets buy a juakali one" Hey i wondered how does a ten year old understand quality? or is it I who is still thinking that my boy is still a toddler?

The agony of a mother who has lost her children and her menses too!

This morning i received a visitor. She wanted to see me and on asking her where she lives, i realized she lives in my neighborhood. Maggie was one of those who had been chosen among many to share her story with me by her group. I sat to listen to her.

From her looks and confidence, you cant tell her agony unless she shares. This confidence she told me has been gained from attending support groups and knowing that she is not alone and the fact that she believes in God. She in fact told me that her Sundays are dedicated to church and she does not accept anyone to visit her on that day.

Maggie's first born died at 11 years after a pneumonia attack. Her second born followed suit dying before he hit two years from diarrhea. All this time Maggie did not know what was ailing her nor her children and later led to their premature deaths. After the two children died, Maggie's health deteriorated. In fact, while she was mourning her second born, she bled continuously for two weeks.It was after this continuous bleeding stopped that she has not received her periods in the last ten years.

This year, Maggie started feeling pain in her womb and when she was rushed to hospital, a certain procedure was done. Maggie is not literate enough to understand what she could have been ailing from and so i could not really tell what the procedure was all about. But she told me that after that procedure, she had greenish discharge for weeks and now she feels better.

Maggie who is only thirty eight years old lives with two of her niece's children who passed on too as a result of HIV complications. Many however know that those are not her children as they call her granny. But her agony is the fact that people tend to brand her as a barren woman while she knows very well that her own children died. She wishes she knew the existence of the monster HIV then because most probably she would have saved her children. She would like to have children but how when she has not had menstruation for ten years? She tells me that doctors give her hope that one day she will have a baby. But how and when is what bothers her so much. The fact that she is now approaching 40 is really scaring her a lot and slowly killing her hopes of ever having another child. She wishes she would scream to everyone that she is not barren and that sometime in her life she enjoyed bringing up her own children. 

As a parting shot, maggie said, "i am only 38, may not have had menses for the last ten years but i have hope that some day i will prove to all the doom-Sayers that am not barren. I will give birth to my third child". With this i cried, i saw resilience in a woman who has gone through so much agony. I could only give her hope as her doctors do, that one day she will hold her baby in her hands!

Sexual violence- My experience

The findings from the 2010 Kenya Violence against Children Study indicate that violence against children is a serious problem in Kenya. Levels of violence prior to age 18 as reported by 18 to 24 year olds (lifetime experiences) indicate that during childhood: 32% of females and 18% of males experience sexual violence. Females aged 18 to 24 who reported experiencing sexual violence in childhood were significantly more likely to report feelings of anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts and fair/poor health than those females who did not experience sexual violence. I concur with these statistics.

I have been pondering over sharing my experiences of sexual abuse in this forum for a long time now since i started this blog. I have finally gained the courage if only this will help someone who went through the same or to deter anyone from hurting a child. The trauma that results from sexual violence lasts for a life time. An abused child/woman is most likely to be abused again. Healing from this kind of trauma is the hardest journey i have had to go through.

I was sexually defiled in 1996 by a stranger. I was only 15 then and in form 2. My mum and i used to work in the forest where we used to be hired for casual labour. Our work was to harvest potatoes and we would be transported in big lorries as many women as possible. This was the only means to get school fees and food then and i did not have a choice. So this day mum did not make to the forest as she was feeling unwell and i accompanied other girls from the neighborhood. We got to work and unfortunately this day we could not find transport back home. These are my worst memories that i have never shared with anyone and its my first time i am doing so now. Often i find myself crying only to realize that i have never healed from this.  The man who had hired us became our Savior in pretense. He offered to find us a place to sleep and being in the forest, we had no option but to let him. He had other motive though and out of the three girls he found a place to sleep, he insisted i be one of them. The only thing i can report is that inside that forest that night, he defiled me. He had ensured that he found me a place to sleep alone and he assured me that i would be safe. I had never felt so much pain, fought so much with someone who finally overpowered me but that left me a scared and a traumatized girl. At this age, i had not experienced puberty as i experienced it very late in my adolescence at age 17. If i had, most probably that bastard would have impregnated me.

I hope my brothers will get to read this memoir someday. They will finally know why i have been so bitter with them. They were older, working and they never supported neither mum or i. I remember one day when i did not have fare to go to school. I went from one brother to another and none gave me the little transport money i needed. I did not know what to do next. In protest, i asked for a lift from a driver i knew who took me to Nyeri town and left me there. I had resorted to come here and find my uncle who would help me with fare. I found my uncle in a bar where he drunk until 11pm where i waited freezing with cold. He then drove me to his home in his car. On reaching there, his wife was not in and he forced me to have sex with him with the threat of shooting me if i refused. This was my first time to see a gun and i felt so scared.These two men one of which was a relative had taken advantage of my innocence.I hated the world.

These experiences are what changed my life. Every time Kev's dad wanted to have sex with me, i would resist and this would degenerate into a fight. Its actually now that i try to relate these horror experiences with how i got HIV. James had to force me to have sex with him as it was never at will. 
How about my hatred for men? Hmmmm now you know. Any man who disguises himself to love me in the name of sex is lying to himself. I hate sex as an act and have developed a very bad attitude to it. I have killed many relationships as a result as anytime a man asks me for sex, he does not see me again. If he insists i usually seem like i have ever done karate lessons. I am usually very defensive. 
This is what has led to my accepting the fact that i might end up living alone as a single mother as there are very few men who would understand me. Its very rare to find a man who is patient. Anyway i thank God that finally he gave me the courage to confess.

I finally got the opportunity to meet the women CEO's in my admiration list

Dreams always come true to those who are patient and daring to dream. In my pursuant of my dream as a Chief executive of an organization there are those women i have admired to interact with and learn their way of leadership and governance. At first its very difficult to approach them because of their position and commitments and again, there is that little fear that this 'big' person may not have time for me.

 I remember the day i traveled all the way from Eldoret to meet my mentor Asunta Wagura. I was so prepared for anything. I had a very hard time accessing her office because then all visitors were at the receptionist's mercy to see the boss. Luckily for me, i had known the then youth officer at her office and i first went to see her. We talked at length where she encouraged me a lot then sent me to see her boss. I had waited for this day for so long and couldn't wait to see Asunta. On speaking to the receptionist, she first told me that Asunta was not in. When i told her that the youth officer had informed me that Asunta was in her office, she then told me to have a seat. I waited while other people came,ushered in and i was not given a chance. The youth officer happened to pass by the reception on her way to the washrooms and on finding me there one hour later, she quarreled the receptionist. This gave me the lifetime opportunity to finally meet my role model.I had read so much about Asunta and all i wanted was to see her physically and that was enough for my emotional fulfillment. I had always wondered how she afforded to live a normal life amidst all odds. When i finally met her, i was amazed. There was so much similarity between her and me. I promised myself that just as she made it i would also beat the odds. In my climbing up the ladder i have been lucky to attend meetings with CEO's and i find nothing extraordinary about them. Its just that they are confident and believe in themselves.  

I always saw her in my dream car, met her in meetings where it was difficult to reach her but oh how lucky i was this week that we have spent almost a whole week with her. She is the CEO of an organization that champions the rights of sex workers. I have admired her as a woman, CEO and everything. I feel so proud that i finally managed to have a lengthy talk with her. And guess what i just found out that we got similar goals and motivations. She is a single mother of one just like i am. And what perplexed me more was that all the time she saw me she has admired my size and body shape. She actually told me she has always wanted to know how i am able to maintain my waistline. So the woman i have been fearing to approach also had something she needed to know from me? Hmmmm i feel so excited today. 

To all the ladies out there, you can be whatever or whoever you want to be. The power is in you. For these women above, they have not depended on men and they dared to dream and they have actualized their dreams. Same here, i do not believe that a man will make me own my own house, car or PHD. The power to acquire all these is within me.

Sams Struggle with illness

I received a strange call last evening. It was from Sam. I first met Sam in 2003 and because of what he had been going through health-wise, i was always concerned on how he was doing. We worked together for sometime and every time every one else was against him at the office, i would support him. I had come to learn him as a man who was bitter with life and therefore i kind of understood why he was not in good terms with everyone. Nobody tried to understand him. I became close to him and let him share all his frustrations and challenges with me.

 Sam was diagnosed with a brain tumor as a small boy. He was the favorite of his father then who did everything possible to ensure he accessed treatment. His father then was a rich man capable of supporting his family. Unfortunately, Sam lost his father before he could even finish Secondary school and his tribulations began. His own mother disowned him. While in college, he fell sick this time with meningitis that led him to be in a comma for one and a half months. The result was that when he came out of the comma, he was healed but his sight was impaired. 

The fact that he had impaired sight is what led to everyone making fun of him at the office. He was never able to control his anger. But i would help him cross the roads and support him in editing his work. Its while we were working with him that he developed gastric ulcers and he would vomit blood. They were so bad that he was in and out of hospital.

Sam called me last night from a hospital bed at Nyeri Provincial general hospital. This time, its stroke and he has been on this hospital bed for three weeks. He told me that during the period he has been on that bed, twelve men have died. He has used this time to think about his life and he now has chosen to give his life to Jesus. He claimed that what made him know that he is well is that he was able to recall my phone number. He asked me whether i got married and if not he wants to marry me. He thinks that i am the best woman to help him now because as he claimed i understood him more than anyone else.Sam does not know that i am not the same girl he was working with in 2003. I have changed a lot, have HIV and i wouldn't want to burden him with my issues when he already has too much to bear. That time i could bear his anger but today i have also become irritable maybe due to having HIV.

How i wish that Sam will find a woman who will love him and start a family with.

Child Labour or Responsibility?

When i met Susan, i could not tell her age. She is small in size and smiles a lot. Susan is 14 years old but looks 8. However you can tell she is 14 from her talking. Susan is in class four while other children her age are in Secondary school form one. She lives with her mother in the slums of Kiambiu.

Every morning, her mother wakes up early and leaves Susan with their three months old twin sisters. Its during the teachers strike and the mother is extremely happy that Susan is at home to take care of her siblings. This gives her room to be able to run her grocery where she is even at night. 

Susan is left with tins of formula milk and ten shillings for her lunch. She does not have a choice but to do her job well and she is really proud of herself. To Susan she is helping her mum. Interestingly on interviewing Susan, the only complaint she had was that what she bought with the ten bob was not enough and therefore she is always hungry. But that is not what caught my eye. Its the way Susan mixed the formula milk with water. Its not hygienic at all. To make matters more complicated, i was informed that Susan is living with HIV. Ooooh could be the reason why she is in class four ad small in size. Its so risky to let a child feed her sisters. But the mother doesn't seem to care. Its my hope that Susan's twin sisters will be safe from HIV but from this kind of care, they might just not escape.

When i was Susan's age i took care of my brother but for my mum, school work came first. I never missed school unless sent away for school fees. My mother knew her responsibilities well. Why do mothers burden their children with their own responsibilities? Why should you burden your daughter with baby sitting when they are supposed to be in school or in the play field? 

Oh parents of today oh!

Pediatric HIV, How early is too early to disclose?

Statistics from the WHO show that across the world there are approximately 1.3 million children under the age of 15 living with HIV. These children will need anti-retro viral therapy and medical care for their entire lives to stay healthy. However, many of these kids don’t even know they have HIV.

Early disclosure of HIV to children has various benefits including increased medication adherence, psychosocial development, decrease anxiety and depression and generally reduce mortality rate. Its better to disclose to children their HIV positive status before they become teens to avoid the complexities of adolescence. From the communities i work with those that disclosed to their children earlier do not experience as many challenges with their children as compared to those that disclose during adolescence. Its advisable to disclose to the child as early as possible because as you buy time,the child might just get the information from another source which will complicate issues.

Take for example Sam from the Mathare slums in Nairobi. He is 13 years old and in class seven. Since class four, he has been learning in school about the dreaded killer disease AIDS. The teacher has been emphasizing that they should be careful and not have sex because they would be in danger of contracting HIV that leads to having AIDS then death. Sam was born with HIV but did not know about it till last month. He has been taking his medication religiously till he got to know why he had been on medication all this while. The most unfortunate thing was that Sam got the news from friends and confronted the mother about it. The mother took him to the comprehensive care center and with the help of a pediatric nurse, they confirmed that it was indeed true that he had the virus.  

Sam's mother felt that Sam was still young and therefore was buying time but had plans to disclose to Sam once he finished primary school. She did not want to interfere with his studies. But that was never to be and now Sam is blaming her for sleeping around and then transmitting the virus to him. Since Sam knew about it last month, he has refused to take his ARVs and accuses his parents of infecting him. His mother has been crying through out this one month that Sam has changed into a hard nut. She has invited counselors, other children living with HIV and older ones too but Sam is still quiet. He does not talk to anyone nor does he want to take the meds. He listens to those who talk to him and you can clearly tell that he is not listening or he just don't care. 

Know of anyone who is buying time to disclose to their children of their status? Run and advise them to do it before adolescence hits. Its complicated!