My disclosure Experience as young woman living with HIV

It was while in Second year at Moi University that i got to know my HIV status. On leaving the voluntary counseling and testing room at Uasin Gishu district Hospital, i decided to break the news to the man i thought cared. The news changed him to date and though we are still friends, he sees me differently. I however appreciate his friendship.

My second time to disclose was not intentional. After James died in 2007, while in third year, the reality of my status with no person to take care of me dawned on me so heavily that i went down with depression. I was mentally unwell. During this time i unconsciously told my mother about it. I only knew recently that my mother knew my status all along and she had never talked to me about since then.

Asunta Wagura

During my stay at the university, Asunta Wagura was my role model. I bought the daily nation every Wednesday just to read her diary. To feel more wanted, i decided to contact her using the email provided at the end of her diary. Her encouragement kept me going. I remember some words she put in my email one day. ' You have to graduate with honours, then later on with masters PHD..... you are too young to kill your dreams just because you have been told you are HIV positive. HIV positive people should not be beggars but should work hard to earn their own living. That changed my life. I worked hard and i did come out with Upper second Class honors in my field.

Joining the professional world has changed me a lot. I earn my salary and am able to take care of my needs, most importantly educate my son and put up a permanent house for my mother a project that is ongoing that i hope to finish soon. As a young beautiful,vibrant hardworking woman, i meet so many men who like me. But the mention of my status make them vanish.

Take for example Moses. 

Moses got to know me at a gathering i had attended and he fell in love at first sight. We chatted, dated, went out together until that day i broke the news. He cancelled the engagement! He is not alone many others have come and left. I sometimes feel my HIV is the cause of my rejection! But i also tell myself that if they did not stay, they were not meant to be mine.

I joined my first support group at AMPATH, where i accessed care and treatment then. I did not like the support group since it consisted of people who were not my age mates.  When i joined another which was being led by a young woman, i felt good. It however did not last as i did not feel like i wanted to continue repeating my story every time i went for a meeting.

Public disclosure of HIV status comes with pros and cons. Asunta who i finally met and who i treasure to date, has tasted publicity in all sides. But i decided not to go her way. I choose a pseudonym and joined the online community. Pauline Zawadi was created in June 2009. I began with face book, Twitter and now this blog. As Pauline, my story has appeared on the Daily nation(December 1 2012), i have contributed in several magazines and my face book page has helped many overcome self stigma.

To you my reader, join me in celebrating my four years as Pauline Gift Zawadi.