Susan's Confession

I had gone for my usual clinic appointment when i sat next to a lady at the waiting bay. I am not usually talkative in real life and keep to myself, wait until am served and then leave quietly as i came. But this day was different. My neighbor seemed uncomfortable being quiet and she managed to introduce herself to me. I think she really wanted to vent out on this day because i must say she was bold enough to talk to me considering how i put a 'don't talk to me face' while at the clinic.

Susan is her name. She lives in Nairobi's Eastlands area. She began her story. Susan is 34 years old now and i couldn't help to notice how handsome her son was as she kept on cuddling him as we waited to be served. Her son Brian is now eight months. She informed me that he was so far negative and she was excited over this. She had followed all the PMTCT guidelines to the later to ensure she did not make any mistake.

She had reasons why she had been too cautious. Susan had been on the dating scene for years. At first she had opted to marry only a Hiv positive man. But as her biological clock ticked, she got impatient. One day, she felt she couldn't take it anymore. She was determined to have a family yet no man was forthcoming. HIV had become a barrier to her happiness. She decided that she would put hiv at the back of her mind and open herself to dating any man who liked her. What she dreaded most was the likelihood of being asked to go for a HIV test by a prospective boyfriend. 

Chris came along. He was all over her within no time and he did not bother to ask her to go for a test. She decided she wasn't going to loose him. She decided to keep mum over her HIV status. With time, Chris proposed and she definitely rushed to the suggestion of living together. She wanted a baby so much that within the first six months, she had already conceived baby Brian.

To date, two years later, HIV has never been a subject in their family. Susan chose to live with her secret and therefore cannot discuss safe sex in her marriage. That is the sacrifice she had to take to have a family. However, Susan still continues with her clinic appointments and adheres to her treatment as instructed by the doctors. She had to change pill time to accommodate herself to the time her husband is away. Thanks to her being cautious, she is yet to be caught by her husband nor has he ever been suspicious. For now they are living a happy family with HIV buried under the table. I only wish that HIV does not rear its ugly head soon but Susan told me she would cross the bridge when she gets there. For now what matters to her is her family; Chris and Brian. 'If i had continued to disclose my status to every Dick and Harry who approached me, Chris and Brian would be nowhere' she told me.

I cannot judge Susan. I myself i am a victim of trapping a man into making me pregnant just because i wanted a baby so much. We always blame it on the biological clock but to me its more than that. Its the urge to find love in the crudest means possible. For Susan, Brian loves her unconditionally and same here, i am sure that baby Wambui will love mummy unconditionally too. 
We may have committed sin if judged by the human folk, but the search for unconditional love and the need to belong overcame us to do this. Under the sexual offenses act 2009, Susan would be jailed for intentionally infecting Chris if Chris discovers her secret and if he tests HIV positive. Yes what we have done is not right both in law and in the Bible. I totally agree. But we already did it and its now in the past. Judging us would be like crying over spilt water.
I know Susan and I are not alone. There are many other women out there who do crazy things. We are not exceptional in any way. Today i was on Google and guess what i goggled? "Pregnant with my ex's baby" and that alone gave me more than 88million results. Oooops i am not alone. 

My first visit to a gyno

Since i tested positive for pregnancy, i spent sleepless nights due to severe cramps. It got a time when i had shoulder pain and i couldn't lift my left hand for a week. Its these symptoms that really got me scared and i decided to see a gyno who has a record to successfully solve reproductive health issues in many women. I knew this would come with a cost but i chose him for the sake of my health. Since i started living with the HIV virus, my health always comes first and any pain or unusual feeling is taken very seriously. I have previously experienced poz people who ignored a feeling or a pain and they ended up in a hospital bed. I travelled all the way to his clinic a journey that took me three hours. We had never met but i knew in my heart he would help me. 

The first thing that i talked to him about was my HIV positive status and that i was pregnant out of choice twelve years later after my first born son. He congratulated me for this and i felt very welcome. I went ahead to narrate what had brought me all the way from Nairobi to see him. At first, the symptoms made him suspect ectopic pregnancy and he asked me when i has taken an emergency pill last. I couldn't remember so he ruled it out and told me all will be well. 

He recommended a ultrasound as much as my pregnancy was only five weeks old just to find out what would be causing the pain in my stomach. As i rested on that bed as the technician conducted the ultrasound, i prayed that my baby would be fine. The technician however mentioned to me that there was a problem with my left ovary which my doctor would explain better. I left the lab and walked back to my doctors clinic in faith that all was well. As the doctor opened the envelop from the lab, i was so anxious and i was just wondering what news that envelope carried and what mattered most was my baby's health.

He read the pelvic ultrasound report that indicated my baby was well forming and corresponded to five weeks and one day. There were no uterine fibroids seen and my right ovary is normal. However there is a well defined left ovarian cyst measuring approximately 3.04cm by 3.50 cm. And the sonographer had suggested a three weeks follow up to confirm viability. 

The doctor explained that most cysts in pregnancy go away on their own and therefore there was no need to worry. He also informed me that trying to interfere this early in pregnancy would put me in danger of a miscarriage and therefore told me to relax. The highest possibility was that the cyst would go away on its own. Other possibilities would be that the cyst would rapidly grow, bleed or rupture and also may twist.

The doctor however assured me that that having cysts during pregnancy is fairly common in many women and is harmless to my baby. Oh i walked out informed and encouraged. Yes baby Wambui(my chosen name for my baby girl) stay in there mummy loves you so much. 

In the meantime, speculation continues for who my baby daddy is even to a point where a counselor suspected that i was a victim of infecting the man who is my baby daddy. No never would i infect anyone with my virus. I made sure my baby daddy is a man i had known for five years and had the virus too. I also ensured that we only had unprotected sex when i was very likely to get pregnant and it was easy somehow to convince him though he would tell me to take emergency pill to caution against pregnancy but he did not know that that what he did not want was what i wanted so much. 

Mum is already aware of my pregnancy and i am glad that i let her know that i am expecting. Kev is not and i feel its best to keep it that way until he sees my big belly.

On the road to Motherhood again, and am travelling solo

I am a go-getter and when i promise myself i want something, i do not care about the risks. I believe in taking risks and overcoming to feel good that i did it. I decided i wanted a baby a few months back. And i went ahead and put measures towards achieving what i wanted. I went ahead and chose the man to have a baby with. It was easiest to choose my ex because if i invited him for a sex date he wouldn't deny me. Secondly, my ex is HIV positive just like i am and therefore i was comfortable that i wasn't going to pass the damn virus to baby daddy. I also knew my ex did not need a baby and so it was easy for him to deny responsibility. I went ahead and ensured that i gave him a sex date only when i was sure i was most likely going to conceive. I only failed once and the next month i am pregnant!

Before i got pregnant i talked to several doctors and most would say my case is very rare. Very few women take such drastic decisions like i did these days. Some were so discouraging wondering why i wanted to have another baby yet i already had one. Others asked why i needed another baby yet i was living with HIV and i wondered whether HIV positive mothers do not have rights to choose what they want. Another even told me that its very hard for me to conceive i wonder what he would say now that i am celebrating. 

 I am now officially pregnant and i feel over the moon. The news are just exciting. I am very well aware of the long journey that am gonna take, the process of ensuring my baby isn't infected by the virus and i am soo ready for it.

A change of environment is also quite exciting as i am moving to a different town. Actually am moving closer to my  mum. I wonna get a baby girl and name her after my mother because i love her so much. God forbid a boy because i will have to name him after my brother who we are not in good terms currently. If it happens then i will have defy traditions and give my son a different name. 

I know the road to motherhood alone isn't going to be easy and lucky me i got women friends who are very caring. I like them more those that are single mums because they completely feel me. I have already given them the news and they have assured me of their support. For now am loving it. I have been sleepless and so have got the opportunity to feel the process of GOD creating a new being within me. I am already starting to feel heavy. I am eating like a pig and it feels very good considering how i have been poor in  the food department. I have had to be pushed to eat but now its crazy. The craving for smokie starts early and i frown on the shop early in the morning when i find they have not yet opened. I did not know it was craving till last night when i confirmed the test. 

This feeling feels like a first time. I had my son while so young and i cant remember so much of what i went through during pregnancy. This time i am pregnant out of choice. Its lovely. Its wonderful. May God grant me the grace i need to travel this road and finish the race. As for my friends, your support this time is paramount. I know i will be moody but thank God i will be in a new office. I have been blessed with two things at the same time. A new job, and a pregnancy. Who am i not to say that Jehovah is worthy of all praise. I have prayed to get a job and he has greatly rewarded me and now a baby, wow. Its joy that i cannot explain. 

I have some fears though. Its my hope that the two most important people in my life will understand me; my son and my mum. They better because i am gonna add another to their fold. 

As i begin counting 280 days, i hope that you will be part of this journey. I am also having other needs for now because i don't think i will want to walk a lot once my belly begins to grow big. By then, i am trusting that God will have blessed me with a car to ease my movement as i juggle between work and pregnancy.   Its gonna be an eventful journey. Hoping it will be all joy. Watch this space!

I celebrate you today for touching my heart in a special way

They say each person with HIV goes through a denial phase at a certain time in their life and i am no exception. Since 2006, i was always excited over not being on medication and any time i received septrin(cotrimaxazole) i would not take. I had started with a CD4 count of 927 and i somehow believed i was too healthy for the virus. But the counts went down anytime i went back for my clinic appointment maybe because i had been disobedient and not followed the doctor's instructions to the latter. 

Close to the end of the year 2010, my counts had come down to 278 and doctors advised me to start medication. I refused and demanded that i be given time to think. I could not take forever and therefore had to begin medication and on Valentines 2011, i began. 

My face book page Pauline Gift Zawadi just like this blog is the place where i have vented out my feelings for close to five years now. I always share with my friends and followers what i  go through both emotionally and physically. 
Just after start of my taking ARVs, I sometimes would forget to take medication and i made this call to my face book friends to be reminding me to take my drugs and three friends came out to help; Pamela, Marcie and Symo. They would remind me to take medication daily. I celebrate the three of you today. You all touched my heart in a special way and i pray for Gods blessings upon your lives.
 From February to November Pamela sent me either a message or called daily to remind me to take my drugs. I had never met Pamela till sometimes in September 2011. She had requested me to be one of her bridesmaid during her wedding in November. The wedding was awesome. I went to Kisumu with my best friend and cousin Sue and it was quite an adventure.

Pamela, how i pray wherever you are that God blesses you abundantly. Your commitment for that long till your wedding day will never leave my memory. During those months that you sent an sms or called, i felt so proud. I had received a treatment partner who was like a sister to me. Not even my brother has ever been that good to me.  
I celebrate Pastor Jackson Musya in a special way. You came into my life and have not tired to encourage me yet have never met me. Please accept this gift of appreciation on behalf of all the facebook friends that have stood with me through thick and thin.
I love it when i have to show love to the vulnerable ones. I severally made calls for help to some of our sisters who were going through hardships and some face book friends without knowing me personally trusted me with their money through mpesa in response to the calls. Some of you even came from far away towns just to respond to the calls and help out a sister. Wambui has been grateful to date for becoming her friends at her time of need. However, Wambui is currently depressed after loosing her only adorable daughter who was HIV positive. As for Carol and Njeri, they passed on and may their souls rest in peace. 
On face book, you friends have been my support especially psychologically. Its through your comments that i feel your love. If it were not for you maybe going through my life would have been more difficult. 
I therefore call upon you to continue doing good you never know how much it means to that other person.  
And finally since i started this blog, i have my staunch readers. Thank you so much for the support. Be blessed.

Muthoni's slow recovery- There is light at the end of every tunnel

When we young, my mother used to do casual labor at neighboring farms. The experience was different from one neighbor to another as i always studied my mum's emotions after work. There are those women who really looked down on her, frustrated her or even verbally abused her. But there was this particular woman (Muthoni) who was exemplary. She would not only pay her in time but would share some goodies including her old clothes with her. 

Muthoni's husband works with the defense forces and from earlier days of their marriage, she lived an admirable life as a housewife. But Muthoni got led astray by her peers and she left her matrimonial home citing denial of conjugal rights by her husband. Muthoni was right. Her husband would take even an year away from home but would consistently send money home. When she left home, she went to my now famous town where she joined other single women in the business. The women introduced her to their usual night outs and Muthoni was excited having never experienced this kind of lifestyle. 

To cut the story short, Muthoni ended up contracting HIV and became too sick to being bedridden. Her friends avoided her for they felt she would ruin their business. Having been an orphan, the only home she would go back to was her husband's. Her friends dropped her at the home and spend off. The shock both at home and in the village was immense. Muthoni needed urgent medical attention otherwise she would die. Her one side of body had become paralyzed and she could not walk. 

She was rushed to the nearest district hospital where she received emergency treatment and from the doctor's examination, her body was in bad shape and required instant admission. She stuck in hospital for two long months and even when she left hospital, she wasn't healed but the husband had refused to pay her bills. She was brought home still with tubes from her bladder as she could not pee by herself. Its this time when news spread throughout the village and no one from the village wanted to be associated with her. But my mother was. She prepared Kev and they went to visit Muthoni and on her bedside they cried with her and encouraged her. 

It was this particular visit that Kev warned mum not to take him again to visit Muthoni. Kev was traumatized on seeing Muthoni in her bedridden state. Anytime he is told that mum is visiting Muthoni he hides so he is not told to accompany her.

Since Muthoni left hospital, her family and villagers have waited for her death but she has not died. Her husband has since remarried and were it not for her father in law, Muthoni would have been kicked out on the streets by her husband. Her father in law told the husband that the only wife he recognizes as part of his family is Muthoni. The husband has since moved Muthoni's cowife away from the home and bought her land elsewhere. He does not support Muthoni directly but supports Muthoni's son who in turn has been patient and helpful to the mother. Muthoni's last daughter who through the influence of her step mum hates her mum saying she broke their family.

Muthoni saw me last as a small girl but she was told by some group of women that i support people like her. She sent mum with a message that if  i find time, i should visit her. Last week i visited Muthoni and was glad to see her taking a few steps. She told me what makes her very happy is that she can visit the washroom all by herself. All i could tell her is that she was making steps to complete recovery. Before i left i noticed she was wearing a skirt i had bought for mum. The roles had been reversed, mum was the donor this time. 

As i left Muthoni's house, i noticed a nicely built house next to Muthoni's. Mum told me it belonged to Muthoni's co-wife. But mum had been encouraging Muthoni to believe that that house will eventually be hers. Muthoni's case really helped me learn the importance of disclosure. Mum has become my ambassador in the village visiting those who ail from her daughter's disease. The love she offers them is greatly influenced by what i tell her about myself. 

The prophets of doom have been awaiting Muthoni's death, but every day she is on the road to complete recovery. Her husband always asks whether she is still alive on phone. Her last words during my visit were; 'When you hear i visited your mum, know that i have recovered'. How i pray that God heals Muthoni completely so that the village would learn that only God can take away life at his chosen time and believe in my Kikuyu proverb that says " Kurwara muno ti gukua"(Being too sick doesn't mean you are going to die).

Trip to the Pearl of Africa- Kampala Uganda

I received an invitation to attend a regional seminar on reintegration of young girls who have been involved in sex work or sexual exploitation sometimes back last month. This came as a surprise not just to me but to my organization too. I was to go back to the pearl of Africa Uganda where i first went when i attended the international workshop on resource mobilization a year ago. 

 I had been booked to fly with air Uganda and come Monday, i was delayed due to traffic  but luckily i still managed to board the flight just before time for take off. This is a 50minutes flight to Kampala and by 3pm i had arrived. Surprisingly, here i got to meet other Kenyans who i had not met before but were attending the same regional seminar with me. During this particular time, we became brothers and sisters in foreign land though having come from different parts of Kenya.

The first day of the seminar was quite welcoming as we got to learn what Ugandans were doing in their rescue missions. It was interesting to conduct observations through the projects that we visited. Some projects just sounded unique from the presentation but observation gave a different story. One project however was amazing. A project that rescues young girls and boys from the streets, shelters them for a period of six months during which the young people go through a series of trainings, counseling including vocational training. This facilitates their rehabilitation and reintegration back to society. As we visited the projects, it was amazing to watch the countryside of the land of Museveni, to listen to the sweet voices of the people and just walk leisury. We went shopping in the afternoon and i was surprised that those shopping areas are just as overpopulated like our own Eastleigh, Githurai and Kayole. Its difficult to tell that you are in a different country because all Kenyan supermarkets, companies are there. Kariuki and Karuri are already making a kill in the land of thousands. I say in the land of the thousands because my Kenyan money quadrupled into thousands once i got there. I did not know the worth of my bob until it turned into 30UG shillings.  Anyway a few things here are way cheaper than Kenya and i left with a few of my favorite dresses.

I do not enjoy seating and listening to presentations, and Wednesday morning was really boring and i looked forward to going for the cultural dance event in the evening. Hmmmm i must say i it was awesome at Ndere centre with the young dancers of Uganda expressing themselves in dance. This is an event that happens every Wednesday here and it attracts very many tourists as well as locals. I think this is the most memorable event to me because i also had an opportunity to shake a bit too.

Thursday had been planned that we would be treated to a cocktail plus a visit to the source of the Nile. I never went to see the source of the Nile owing to my preference to go back to Nakasero for shopping. I ended up realizing that i did not have enough money to do as much shopping as i wanted and went back to my room to await my flight home.

This morning, i was awake by two am to allow time to prepare for my flight. Got ready and the driver who was to take us to the airport was too sleepy i thank God we safely got to the airport. 

Uganda, it was nice being there. You are hospitable people and am willing to come back anytime. For now got to be here, home as a mother, breadwinner and back to my daily work and challenges.