The "little" embarrasments that Kev has put me through

Since Kev joined boarding school, i have visited him every first Sunday of the consequent month after holidays. That means i have visited him four times now. My boy is amazing he makes me feel special everyday. He is my life and the tears i see in him any time i appear are a true testimony that he truly loves his mother. The last time i went he told me that i had to see all his teachers and i could see the pride he had introducing me to his them.

In my village, electricity is a luxury. In fact i myself used 'koroboi' that parrafin 'jua kali' made container that we called lamp. The luxury of a paraffin lamp i only saw at the neighbors. However Kev's life is different because at least his mother can afford what granny could not those days of my childhood. But Kev has embarrassed his mother not once. I never saw the need of buying a TV set since we never had electricity anyway. But Kev would disappear into the neighbors only for my mother to call me everyday that she has to walk in the dark to literally remove him from the neighbors.

It reached a point i couldn't take it anymore and i had to buy him a TV. Never mind my struggles. He finally had the TV but the most hurting thing was that once the TV was in the house, he lost interest. He never wanted to watch TV with granny and he would sleep early saying he is tired of homework.

Now back to his school visits. During the last visiting day, the bag that i carried food dishes in happened to get torn on my way there. On telling him it did, he started the nagging that i am now used to. "Mum now see its because you don't have your own car that you go through all this. What has kept you all this time from buying a car yet i always pray for you everyday?" Of course i told him all that i was going through at the time that made me not be able to acquire a car.

But wait until his best friend was visited and guess what i felt so embarrassed when he literally pulled me to see his friends mum's car. So i had to say hi to the lady and of course start a conversation about the two boys and their performance. Kev you challenge me a lot its because of you that i am able to work hard and achieve what makes you proud. I am hoping that someday soon mum will drive to your school.

So i thought i was alone and went this afternoon to discuss with my friend Symo about Kev's embarrassment at school. He is a father of boys and so i thought he would understand and at least give me some hope. What he told me made me feel parents of boy children need to be extra hardworking. Symo lives in the suburbs. He in fact had a car but sold it to pay his wife's medical bills. Symo happens to be the only one in his neighborhood without a car. Luckily for him, neighbors offer him lifts freely to him and his children whenever they need to be dropped somewhere and in particular at church.

He told me that once his children are ready for church, they usually run to the neighbors car even before the neighbors children. But that had not bothered him until an incident that happened on Sunday. There is this elderly lady neighbor who drives a big car. He says she has grown fond of him and sometimes actually comes early to wait for them to go to church together. But she insists that Symo must sit on the front seat. So last Sunday, Symo was called to a church development meeting and therefore had to be left as the rest of the family went back home. His wife went direct to the front seat but the elderly lady refused to let her sit there. She told her that the only person she allows to sit there is Symo.

When Symo got home, the wife was so furious. He was given an ultimatum that come January they must have a family car otherwise she will prefer to walk to church till they get their own car to avoid such embarrassment.

Symo and I are in the same dilemma. We have to have a car not because its a priority as per se, but because of boy demand. The only nightmare is how on earth are we going to meet the demand yet too financially constraint at the moment? I hope Kev will understand next time i go without. I am planning to tell him that i have started saving for a car and since a car is expensive we will have to wait a little bit longer. Oh dear if he was a GIRL would i always be challenged like this? Sometimes back we went to buy a wheelbarrow as i am doing some construction and the boy shouted at me" Mum that wheelbarrow isn't good quality, lets buy a juakali one" Hey i wondered how does a ten year old understand quality? or is it I who is still thinking that my boy is still a toddler?

The agony of a mother who has lost her children and her menses too!

This morning i received a visitor. She wanted to see me and on asking her where she lives, i realized she lives in my neighborhood. Maggie was one of those who had been chosen among many to share her story with me by her group. I sat to listen to her.

From her looks and confidence, you cant tell her agony unless she shares. This confidence she told me has been gained from attending support groups and knowing that she is not alone and the fact that she believes in God. She in fact told me that her Sundays are dedicated to church and she does not accept anyone to visit her on that day.

Maggie's first born died at 11 years after a pneumonia attack. Her second born followed suit dying before he hit two years from diarrhea. All this time Maggie did not know what was ailing her nor her children and later led to their premature deaths. After the two children died, Maggie's health deteriorated. In fact, while she was mourning her second born, she bled continuously for two weeks.It was after this continuous bleeding stopped that she has not received her periods in the last ten years.

This year, Maggie started feeling pain in her womb and when she was rushed to hospital, a certain procedure was done. Maggie is not literate enough to understand what she could have been ailing from and so i could not really tell what the procedure was all about. But she told me that after that procedure, she had greenish discharge for weeks and now she feels better.

Maggie who is only thirty eight years old lives with two of her niece's children who passed on too as a result of HIV complications. Many however know that those are not her children as they call her granny. But her agony is the fact that people tend to brand her as a barren woman while she knows very well that her own children died. She wishes she knew the existence of the monster HIV then because most probably she would have saved her children. She would like to have children but how when she has not had menstruation for ten years? She tells me that doctors give her hope that one day she will have a baby. But how and when is what bothers her so much. The fact that she is now approaching 40 is really scaring her a lot and slowly killing her hopes of ever having another child. She wishes she would scream to everyone that she is not barren and that sometime in her life she enjoyed bringing up her own children. 

As a parting shot, maggie said, "i am only 38, may not have had menses for the last ten years but i have hope that some day i will prove to all the doom-Sayers that am not barren. I will give birth to my third child". With this i cried, i saw resilience in a woman who has gone through so much agony. I could only give her hope as her doctors do, that one day she will hold her baby in her hands!

Sexual violence- My experience

The findings from the 2010 Kenya Violence against Children Study indicate that violence against children is a serious problem in Kenya. Levels of violence prior to age 18 as reported by 18 to 24 year olds (lifetime experiences) indicate that during childhood: 32% of females and 18% of males experience sexual violence. Females aged 18 to 24 who reported experiencing sexual violence in childhood were significantly more likely to report feelings of anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts and fair/poor health than those females who did not experience sexual violence. I concur with these statistics.

I have been pondering over sharing my experiences of sexual abuse in this forum for a long time now since i started this blog. I have finally gained the courage if only this will help someone who went through the same or to deter anyone from hurting a child. The trauma that results from sexual violence lasts for a life time. An abused child/woman is most likely to be abused again. Healing from this kind of trauma is the hardest journey i have had to go through.

I was sexually defiled in 1996 by a stranger. I was only 15 then and in form 2. My mum and i used to work in the forest where we used to be hired for casual labour. Our work was to harvest potatoes and we would be transported in big lorries as many women as possible. This was the only means to get school fees and food then and i did not have a choice. So this day mum did not make to the forest as she was feeling unwell and i accompanied other girls from the neighborhood. We got to work and unfortunately this day we could not find transport back home. These are my worst memories that i have never shared with anyone and its my first time i am doing so now. Often i find myself crying only to realize that i have never healed from this.  The man who had hired us became our Savior in pretense. He offered to find us a place to sleep and being in the forest, we had no option but to let him. He had other motive though and out of the three girls he found a place to sleep, he insisted i be one of them. The only thing i can report is that inside that forest that night, he defiled me. He had ensured that he found me a place to sleep alone and he assured me that i would be safe. I had never felt so much pain, fought so much with someone who finally overpowered me but that left me a scared and a traumatized girl. At this age, i had not experienced puberty as i experienced it very late in my adolescence at age 17. If i had, most probably that bastard would have impregnated me.

I hope my brothers will get to read this memoir someday. They will finally know why i have been so bitter with them. They were older, working and they never supported neither mum or i. I remember one day when i did not have fare to go to school. I went from one brother to another and none gave me the little transport money i needed. I did not know what to do next. In protest, i asked for a lift from a driver i knew who took me to Nyeri town and left me there. I had resorted to come here and find my uncle who would help me with fare. I found my uncle in a bar where he drunk until 11pm where i waited freezing with cold. He then drove me to his home in his car. On reaching there, his wife was not in and he forced me to have sex with him with the threat of shooting me if i refused. This was my first time to see a gun and i felt so scared.These two men one of which was a relative had taken advantage of my innocence.I hated the world.

These experiences are what changed my life. Every time Kev's dad wanted to have sex with me, i would resist and this would degenerate into a fight. Its actually now that i try to relate these horror experiences with how i got HIV. James had to force me to have sex with him as it was never at will. 
How about my hatred for men? Hmmmm now you know. Any man who disguises himself to love me in the name of sex is lying to himself. I hate sex as an act and have developed a very bad attitude to it. I have killed many relationships as a result as anytime a man asks me for sex, he does not see me again. If he insists i usually seem like i have ever done karate lessons. I am usually very defensive. 
This is what has led to my accepting the fact that i might end up living alone as a single mother as there are very few men who would understand me. Its very rare to find a man who is patient. Anyway i thank God that finally he gave me the courage to confess.

I finally got the opportunity to meet the women CEO's in my admiration list

Dreams always come true to those who are patient and daring to dream. In my pursuant of my dream as a Chief executive of an organization there are those women i have admired to interact with and learn their way of leadership and governance. At first its very difficult to approach them because of their position and commitments and again, there is that little fear that this 'big' person may not have time for me.

 I remember the day i traveled all the way from Eldoret to meet my mentor Asunta Wagura. I was so prepared for anything. I had a very hard time accessing her office because then all visitors were at the receptionist's mercy to see the boss. Luckily for me, i had known the then youth officer at her office and i first went to see her. We talked at length where she encouraged me a lot then sent me to see her boss. I had waited for this day for so long and couldn't wait to see Asunta. On speaking to the receptionist, she first told me that Asunta was not in. When i told her that the youth officer had informed me that Asunta was in her office, she then told me to have a seat. I waited while other people came,ushered in and i was not given a chance. The youth officer happened to pass by the reception on her way to the washrooms and on finding me there one hour later, she quarreled the receptionist. This gave me the lifetime opportunity to finally meet my role model.I had read so much about Asunta and all i wanted was to see her physically and that was enough for my emotional fulfillment. I had always wondered how she afforded to live a normal life amidst all odds. When i finally met her, i was amazed. There was so much similarity between her and me. I promised myself that just as she made it i would also beat the odds. In my climbing up the ladder i have been lucky to attend meetings with CEO's and i find nothing extraordinary about them. Its just that they are confident and believe in themselves.  

I always saw her in my dream car, met her in meetings where it was difficult to reach her but oh how lucky i was this week that we have spent almost a whole week with her. She is the CEO of an organization that champions the rights of sex workers. I have admired her as a woman, CEO and everything. I feel so proud that i finally managed to have a lengthy talk with her. And guess what i just found out that we got similar goals and motivations. She is a single mother of one just like i am. And what perplexed me more was that all the time she saw me she has admired my size and body shape. She actually told me she has always wanted to know how i am able to maintain my waistline. So the woman i have been fearing to approach also had something she needed to know from me? Hmmmm i feel so excited today. 

To all the ladies out there, you can be whatever or whoever you want to be. The power is in you. For these women above, they have not depended on men and they dared to dream and they have actualized their dreams. Same here, i do not believe that a man will make me own my own house, car or PHD. The power to acquire all these is within me.

Sams Struggle with illness

I received a strange call last evening. It was from Sam. I first met Sam in 2003 and because of what he had been going through health-wise, i was always concerned on how he was doing. We worked together for sometime and every time every one else was against him at the office, i would support him. I had come to learn him as a man who was bitter with life and therefore i kind of understood why he was not in good terms with everyone. Nobody tried to understand him. I became close to him and let him share all his frustrations and challenges with me.

 Sam was diagnosed with a brain tumor as a small boy. He was the favorite of his father then who did everything possible to ensure he accessed treatment. His father then was a rich man capable of supporting his family. Unfortunately, Sam lost his father before he could even finish Secondary school and his tribulations began. His own mother disowned him. While in college, he fell sick this time with meningitis that led him to be in a comma for one and a half months. The result was that when he came out of the comma, he was healed but his sight was impaired. 

The fact that he had impaired sight is what led to everyone making fun of him at the office. He was never able to control his anger. But i would help him cross the roads and support him in editing his work. Its while we were working with him that he developed gastric ulcers and he would vomit blood. They were so bad that he was in and out of hospital.

Sam called me last night from a hospital bed at Nyeri Provincial general hospital. This time, its stroke and he has been on this hospital bed for three weeks. He told me that during the period he has been on that bed, twelve men have died. He has used this time to think about his life and he now has chosen to give his life to Jesus. He claimed that what made him know that he is well is that he was able to recall my phone number. He asked me whether i got married and if not he wants to marry me. He thinks that i am the best woman to help him now because as he claimed i understood him more than anyone else.Sam does not know that i am not the same girl he was working with in 2003. I have changed a lot, have HIV and i wouldn't want to burden him with my issues when he already has too much to bear. That time i could bear his anger but today i have also become irritable maybe due to having HIV.

How i wish that Sam will find a woman who will love him and start a family with.

Child Labour or Responsibility?

When i met Susan, i could not tell her age. She is small in size and smiles a lot. Susan is 14 years old but looks 8. However you can tell she is 14 from her talking. Susan is in class four while other children her age are in Secondary school form one. She lives with her mother in the slums of Kiambiu.

Every morning, her mother wakes up early and leaves Susan with their three months old twin sisters. Its during the teachers strike and the mother is extremely happy that Susan is at home to take care of her siblings. This gives her room to be able to run her grocery where she is even at night. 

Susan is left with tins of formula milk and ten shillings for her lunch. She does not have a choice but to do her job well and she is really proud of herself. To Susan she is helping her mum. Interestingly on interviewing Susan, the only complaint she had was that what she bought with the ten bob was not enough and therefore she is always hungry. But that is not what caught my eye. Its the way Susan mixed the formula milk with water. Its not hygienic at all. To make matters more complicated, i was informed that Susan is living with HIV. Ooooh could be the reason why she is in class four ad small in size. Its so risky to let a child feed her sisters. But the mother doesn't seem to care. Its my hope that Susan's twin sisters will be safe from HIV but from this kind of care, they might just not escape.

When i was Susan's age i took care of my brother but for my mum, school work came first. I never missed school unless sent away for school fees. My mother knew her responsibilities well. Why do mothers burden their children with their own responsibilities? Why should you burden your daughter with baby sitting when they are supposed to be in school or in the play field? 

Oh parents of today oh!

Pediatric HIV, How early is too early to disclose?

Statistics from the WHO show that across the world there are approximately 1.3 million children under the age of 15 living with HIV. These children will need anti-retro viral therapy and medical care for their entire lives to stay healthy. However, many of these kids don’t even know they have HIV.

Early disclosure of HIV to children has various benefits including increased medication adherence, psychosocial development, decrease anxiety and depression and generally reduce mortality rate. Its better to disclose to children their HIV positive status before they become teens to avoid the complexities of adolescence. From the communities i work with those that disclosed to their children earlier do not experience as many challenges with their children as compared to those that disclose during adolescence. Its advisable to disclose to the child as early as possible because as you buy time,the child might just get the information from another source which will complicate issues.

Take for example Sam from the Mathare slums in Nairobi. He is 13 years old and in class seven. Since class four, he has been learning in school about the dreaded killer disease AIDS. The teacher has been emphasizing that they should be careful and not have sex because they would be in danger of contracting HIV that leads to having AIDS then death. Sam was born with HIV but did not know about it till last month. He has been taking his medication religiously till he got to know why he had been on medication all this while. The most unfortunate thing was that Sam got the news from friends and confronted the mother about it. The mother took him to the comprehensive care center and with the help of a pediatric nurse, they confirmed that it was indeed true that he had the virus.  

Sam's mother felt that Sam was still young and therefore was buying time but had plans to disclose to Sam once he finished primary school. She did not want to interfere with his studies. But that was never to be and now Sam is blaming her for sleeping around and then transmitting the virus to him. Since Sam knew about it last month, he has refused to take his ARVs and accuses his parents of infecting him. His mother has been crying through out this one month that Sam has changed into a hard nut. She has invited counselors, other children living with HIV and older ones too but Sam is still quiet. He does not talk to anyone nor does he want to take the meds. He listens to those who talk to him and you can clearly tell that he is not listening or he just don't care. 

Know of anyone who is buying time to disclose to their children of their status? Run and advise them to do it before adolescence hits. Its complicated!

When will stigma end for it to be easier to mingle?

The process of finding a husband while HIV positive is such an uphill task especially here in Kenya. The HIV epidemic is so feminized with 60% of those infected being women. Men who are HIV positive are hardly available and those that are there are either taken or are dating more than one woman. Men stifle their feelings and most choose to die with the secret and mostly end up engaging in substance abuse to escape from the reality. On the other hand, men who are HIV positive have a thing in common i tend to believe or is it women am not sure, they carry so much baggage. I have tried dating a few and some of them its like HIV confused them and they do not know exactly what they want. 

The last relationship i had i thought it was to be forever. The guy had everything i was looking for in a man and what he didn't i had chosen to ignore. I actually dreamt of our life together. However, it was never to be. Just because i was a mother of a boy and he did not like my tribe, he used that against me and told me that he had never loved me from the beginning. I could not tell why he claimed so yet we had been in this relationship for more than two years. At two years, i obviously had started wondering why he was not saying anything about our future and therefore pestered him and that's when he threw the towel. He had wasted my two years, yet i am growing older. I was so mad i could not imagine loosing him to another woman. I used to talk to him a lot and to make sure i did give up on him, he told me he had found the right woman who came from his tribe. So i was not the right woman all this time? I stopped talking to him and i finally let go. Up to now i have not been able to date again. The fact that he was seeing me and seeing that other woman at the same time hurt me a lot. I hope he isn't going to waste another woman's time.

This afternoon, we were visiting a colleague in hospital. As we waited, a friend appeared and she was excited to see us. She was yearning to talk. We used to attend the same support group three years ago and we have not talked for long. After exchanging the usual greetings she was quick to narrate her pain in just a few minutes. Esther got into a fight with her former boyfriend who they were planning a wedding together. He had already met her parents and had been given permission to go ahead with the wedding plans. But before then, she noticed that he had deleted all phone numbers of male friends including cousins from her phone. On asking him, a fight ensued. The matter reached her mother who demanded that everything he had taken to her home be returned immediately. The guy hurried and married. He then ensured that he sent photos of his current relationship including the baby to her email. So she asks wouldn't he leave her in peace if he is happily married? Not only is that enough, he has also started sending messages that he still loves her.  

I cant wait for that time when women living with HIV will just be like those living with other terminal illnesses. That time when there will be no stigma and dating HIV negative men will be easier. I have seen many take off once i mentioned HIV and i gave up disclosing. The process of disclosure is not easy and just when i have got courage to say it, the man takes off. For those that have not taken off and are still friends, i feel terrible that HIV is the only thing that keeps me from having a lasting relationship; or do i say they are not courageous or loving enough to take the risk? Take for example Simon, he is such a good man but since he knew my status we are just friends. We share a lot including preparing dinner at each others houses but its just that. I am here still waiting for the right one and the clock is ticking. At my age, some have given up but as Pauline i am not giving up. I believe he is somewhere and he will be better than all i have met. I will ask him where he has been all this time. 
 

How will Kev handle the knowledge of his mother's HIV status?

Yesterday i visited Kev at school. I was among the first parents to arrive. This time i had woken up early to ensure i arrive as early as possible. The last time i visited he cried so much that i am a mother who always arrive late. He actually refused to eat the food i had taken so much time to prepare only to allow those that had joined me to visit him have all of it. So yesterday i ensured am alone with him for like an hour before everyone else arrived. Once he saw me, he came running to me screaming ''muuuuuum'. He was full of excitement and on seeing what he likes most; junk food, he was over excited. I let him have as much as he could. I allowed him to narrate to me how school had been including teachers and classmates, his trip earlier to Menengai crater, his need for more pocket money etc. I could see a boy who is so proud of his mother. 

As i traveled back to Nairobi, it got me thinking. Kev does not know my biggest secret. He is the reason why i am Pauline and not my real name here. Some day he will know, how will he take it? Will he judge his mother? I got HIV after i had already separated with his father, will he judge me after knowing that i had sexual relations with another man other than his father? What if he knew that i had engaged myself sexually with an older man? Will he believe me that i did it so that him and i can have a brighter future? Will he think that i am dying and that he might be left an orphan? Will he stop loving me as his mother? Will he forgive me? ........ These are the questions that bother me so much anytime i think of letting the cat out of the bag.

Kev is growing so fast and sooner than later, he will need to know the truth. As his mother this sometimes makes me have sleepless nights. I would not want anyone other than me to tell him about it. For now i want him to have the best. All that i could not get at his age i try my best to provide. He is my reason for living and so my priority in this world.

I noted Kev has added weight. His skin is very smooth and i can finally see what a handsome young man i am bringing up. In addition, all teachers praised him of his discipline, his good work as the class prefect and his continued improved performance. I could not help cry last night as i thought so much of him and I. Its my hope that we shall remain as best of friends and with love even when he discovers the reason why i have to be on lifelong medication.

I hate this Ugly mark on my Chest

In 2009, i woke up one day with two pimples. By the second day they were all over my body. They were painful and i also had high fever. I dreaded how i looked. I would still go to the office since i never wanted to be alone in the house. My colleagues were very supportive and i remember how i would remove all my clothes and the office nurse would apply calamine over my whole body. This went on until i was healed and the ugly marks that were left on my body slowly faded with time. 

The week earlier i had attended to mama Prince who had herpes zoster(shingles). She had come to my office so sick and I did not know that if an adult or child has direct contact with the shingles rash and did not have chickenpox as a child or a chickenpox vaccine, they can develop chickenpox, not shingles. Its when i was going through some documents later that i learnt this.

All except one pimple faded with time.  The pimple that exists to date was the first to appear. The worst thing is that the pimple is larger now and its no longer looks like a pimple but something ugly. I was blessed with very smooth skin but this intruder sometimes makes me feel ugly. I sometimes want to wear a low neck dress with a small chain but the need to hide the ugly pimple overwhelms me. My unanswered question sometimes is why it had to appear on the chest. Its usually impossible to hide and you can imagine the look i give to anyone who dares ask me about it. Whenever i look at the mirror, its a constant reminder that i have HIV and not just that, that this virus called varicella-zoster is within me and has gone to hibernation and can appear any time my immunity goes down. 

Shingles is more common in people with a poor immune system (immune-suppression). Shingles commonly occurs in younger people who have HIV/AIDS or whose immune system is suppressed with treatment such as steroids or chemotherapy. Mercy lost her one eye when zoster struck her one side on the face. For Cyrus, it had struck on his right leg right at the ankle. Being a driver, it was so uncomfortable and he had to remove his shoes while on the road. Cyrus however denied having HIV and died sometimes back after an pneumonia attack. 

If you have never tested for HIV and shingles appears, its important to do a HIV test!

Tribute to Baby Victoria

Yesterday i happened to leave my phone in the office and this consequently led to my waking up late since i did not hear my usual alarm. I therefore did not make it to see mama Victor in hospital as i have been doing since she delivered baby Victoria on Sunday. I had visited her yesterday in the morning and i was confident that her and the baby would be released to go home in the course of the day.

Baby Victoria was born weighing 2.3 kgs, one month earlier than the scheduled date. That Sunday mother was so happy and she invited her friends to join in her joy. I hurried to be at the hospital before six pm and with me i carried some clothes for the baby. 

I found mother and baby and friends and my turn came to hold the baby. She was so lovely and since any time she breast fed she threw up, (the vomiting started soon after birth) i helped change the baby. We later left the hospital as it was getting late. The next morning i woke up and took another change of baby clothes. 

Baby Victoria was taken to the Nursery on the third day after she was found to have jaundice and dehydration. The vomiting had continued all this time and this is what led to her being dehydrated.  She was in the nursery until last night when the mother was informed that she had passed on. I received the news this morning. Baby Victoria had passed so soon. I couldn't help but cry.

To baby Victoria, i had grown to love you soon after you were born. Unknown to you, you had ignited the desire in me to have a baby girl. Just yesterday, i shared to the world how i felt over having yet another child as a mother. The clothes you looked so beautiful in were part of the baby clothes in my wardrobe that i have kept in faith that i shall have a baby girl someday. In fact they were the last bunch since i always find myself giving out the clothes to friends who give birth before me. Mercy who is now three was the first to have a share. How i would have wished to see you grow, start smiling and even go to school but since God loved you more, i have accepted his will. Two of my friends who have lost a baby have got twins in the consecutive  pregnancy. I pray that your mother shall be blessed again. Wherever you are i would like you to know that your mother has been very sad. She cried until her eyes were so swollen. On seeing her i felt tears too and was unable to go closer in case i cried in front of that big crowd that was there at the hospital. You shall remain in our hearts dearest, May your young soul rest in peace.

Do i really want another baby without the care of a daddy?

When HIV struck in 2006, my hopes for ever having another baby were crashed. I hated men onwards and having sex became history to me. Any man i met and felt he was going that direction too fast, i would go quiet and quit. This happens even today. I am one of those women that believe that sex should be the last thing to talk about in a relationship. When a man begins with it, then he can be assured that he isn't seeing me one more time. This i maybe corrected by many and i must admit it has been the cause of my being single since i refuse to entertain anyone who wants to bring my pants down.When i got my first job, news of new-borns were not so frequent within our circles. Infact, death news were more frequent. My heart would crash once i heard of passing on of a person i knew so well and their struggle with HIV. Some of these memories i hate to remember. 

In the month of April, my mentor Asunta gave birth to twins. This was the third time she was having a baby while i knew her personally. Hmmm the babies are lovely. She has beaten all the odds to have her family of five sons. She was not alone, other two friends have gotten babies and most adorable girls. One i just peeped at her inside a nursery this morning. She was born on Sunday.

For sometime now i have been having this overwhelming desire for a baby girl. Its eleven years since i held my newborn and now have forgotten even how to hold one. What i am not sure about is how to make sure she comes out a girl. When i talked to Asunta and read her diary, i could feel her desire for a baby girl. But she ended up giving up after the twin boys.

My mind wants a girl yes but i have to consider what i have gone through with Kev without a father. Is that what i want for my girl? Still thinking. I have goggled all ways to get a baby without having to go through sex and i found its not so expensive and with about 50K i would be able to conceive. Still not conclusive on this.

My mother desired to have girls, but she only managed to have me. I have not been happy alone but at least i have her. In my Kikuyu tradition, i should name my girl after my mum. This is what i want so much. I hold mum so dear to me and i really need to take care of her as she did to me.

So far, the only thing i am sure about is that i desire to have a baby girl. But how to get there is what i am not sure about. I know i will follow doctors instructions to the latter to ensure baby Wambui comes out free of HIV. I am waiting. It will be so exciting to feel pregnant. 

Hey there! isn't it good for a single girl to dream during the day at times?

Got a bed to sleep on? Count your blessings

Nairobi,Kenya has the largest slum in Africa, Kibera. Other slums include Mathare, Korogocho, Mukuru kwa Reuben and Kwa Njenga and Kiambiu among others. The fact is that the highest number of Nairobians live in these informal settlements. Its here that my first job took me and i appreciate very much for i would never have appreciated or counted my blessings. The living conditions here are deplorable. Families live in dilapidated houses and they still pay rent.But there is a group of people who cannot afford the monthly rent. I am not talking about street families. But young women who would wish to live a decent life but because of the harsh conditions in this city, cannot afford to rent a room. 

My work involves lots of referrals and recently i received a distress call from a friend. I could tell that my friend was touched by the story shared to him by a young woman who had gone to him for help. Since he could not help, he referred the young woman to me. 

Aisha is a mother of one. When she tested HIV positive while pregnant with her baby, her nightmare began. She is a muslim and HIV is not a subject that should be tolerated in her family. She was chased out of their family and did not have anywhere to go.

Aisha's daughter is HIV positive too as when she was chased of her only known home, she was not able to take good care of her daughter who in the process became HIV positive. Before going to see my friend, she had been kicked out of the only abode she had known since she was chased out of her home. This is an abode where many people sleep in one hall. The cost for sleeping here per night is Kshs 50 and this is the amount she had not paid for a week and when it accumulated to 350, the lard lord could not let her in. 

The hall has got no beds nor mattresses. Anyone who has to spend a night here has to carry his/her own clothes to sleep on. All have to spread their bedding and share space on the cold cemented floor which is a business both in day and night. Anyone is allowed to sleep here and therefore the hall is obviously not safe for women who are often raped by the men who rent the same sleeping space. The hall has no provision for a toilet or bathroom. The occupants have to sort themselves on these matters. For a woman who has a baby, the conditions are worse. Talk of food, clothes the basics and these women do not even own a bag to carry any of their belongings. 

Aisha and her daughter had been living in this kind of life for three months. She says the nights she spent here were the longest in her life. Its not possible to sleep here as you must guard yourself from being raped so you are forced to stay awake. This affects anything one tries to do during the day.

Today Aisha is finally in her own room. We were able to mobilize friends to pay her one month rent and some seed fund for business so she does not go back to this life. But Aisha left many other women here. Women like her who nobody seems to care about.

I count my blessing today for having my one roomed house where i am able to pay my own rent. Its in this house where i feel comfortable and can do anything i feel like without any fear of anything. Yes at least am assured i am secure and therefore i sleep like a small baby. But my heart goes out to these women and especially young mothers; that someday a well wisher shall rescue them just like we rescued Aisha.