I have been unable to go back to church

One of my resolutions this year was to start going to church. But I have found myself procrastinating everyday. Yesterday I had vowed that I would do all my clean up so that today I have time to go to church. On waking up, it felt so cold so I went back to bed.

 The last time I went to church consecutively was ten years ago back in 2003. Then I was a staunch believer, saved and the soloist at my church. Kev was then one year old and I was going through hell without a job. The pastor where I attended church then was very supportive. The church members loved me a lot and I always looked forward to going to church. Its this pastor who prophesied that my life would change and when people see me they will stare in amazement. (I recently found out the pastor has since left preaching, he was caught pants down by his wife with another married woman).

It is after this that I managed to be readmitted at the University. Soon after I was going out with James and I knew I was not right with God. I opted to avoid church other than go and feel guilty. I had one room mate from first year to fourth year and my namesake was actually a leader in the Christian Union. She always urged me to go to church so sometimes I was forced to go in order to please her. I however would not concentrate any time I went. When I came to the city I decided to look for a church. Any time I spotted a church and went in, I left in less than half an hour. This happened severally until I decided to quit completely.

Recently I visited a friend who inquired why I don't go to church and I promised to answer him through this blog. Today is Sunday and I feel ready to say it all.

 Honesty is a virtue that I was taught by mum at a young age and therefore I always feel obliged to stay honest. Its because of this that I have stayed away from church all this time. I do not want to lie to God. I know I am a sinner. I have committed countless sins. I would like to go to church only that time that am sure that I will be holy. That time I am sure I will follow the word of God to the latter.

Some events that happened to me while in church also have contributed a great deal to my dislike for church. When I was only 17 and in high school, I was accused of flirting with the church chairman and I received a beating from his wife. It was mum who rescued me from that huge woman. For more than a month I was the talk of the village, yet I had not met the man anywhere else other than at church. To date I dislike huge women as the image of this woman has remained stuck in my mind. Its very difficult for me to have a lasting relationship with a woman who is huge; say 90kgs and beyond. What followed was a series of meetings at the Chief's. It was only mum who was on my side, all including the church deacon blamed me and said I don't deserve to be in that church. Its now that I ask myself what could have led to such allegations yet I was so young. I had never known a man in my life. This incident made me hate my mum's church. I have never been back there. My mum is still a member of the same church. She told me my accusers would later pay for the damage they caused to our family. The deacon was later excommunicated for impregnating a girl in the same church.

I usually think that if hell is real, the highest number of those that  shall burn in hell are Christians. Most are engrossed in sexual sins yet they are so religious on Sunday. I have vowed I will not be bound by religiosity in my belief in God. Take for example my campus room mate who was a leader in Christian Union. This young man used to visit our room many times and I never suspected his motive. My room mate was in love with him and when he told her it was actually me he was interested in, she literally fought me. I wondered why she would let herself be carried away by emotions. After all, it was clear to her that i wasn't interested in the man. I had already known my status by then and I never entertained men. My uncle is a wife batterer, womanizer, never provides for my auntie's family and yet he is the treasurer of his church. This neighbor of mine comes back to sleep with the house girl yet every Sunday they drive to church so early as a family. Should I say maybe nowadays people are not being taught good morals in church? I don't know anyway because according to me, those who attend church could be worse than me yet in their eyes I am headed to hell for not attending church.

Despite my not going to church, I am very prayerful. I always create time to talk to my God. He is my father and I am so free with him. I share with him my needs, weaknesses and thank him for my successes. I however need fellowship and that is what is missing in my life. May God open my eyes to see a church that worships him in truth and honesty.

 

 

 

Coinfection with Cervical Cancer but still can afford to smile

The first time i went for cervical cancer screening was in 2007 after i learnt that women with HIV are at higher risk of contracting the disease. I went again in 2010 and three times in total have i had a chance of undergoing a pap smear test . The procedure has never been fun but i have to do it for the sake of my own health. But as much as testing positive to HIV is horrifying, i got no words to describe the shock and the consequent emotional distress of a woman tested for another dreaded disease on top of HIV.

Cervical cancer kills an estimated 275,000 women every year, 85 percent of whom are in developing countries. The link between HIV and cervical cancer is direct and deadly; HIV-infected women who are also infected with specific types of human papilloma virus (HPV) are 4-5 times more susceptible to cervical cancer than HIV-negative women. 

When Catherine invited me to visit Ulezi bora HIV positive women co-infected with cervical cancer group, i wondered what to present. Thank God i was going to do a financial literacy session and i had Ken with me who was an expert. At least Ken would take the most time. As Ken took to facilitate his session, i sat to look at the women who were seated listening. I noted at least 75% of the women present were not attentive.

After the session, i was yearning to talk and have a picture taken with these resilient women. To me they are heroines. They still afford to continue with their daily undertakings despite their health complications. 

When i stood to talk they all smiled. I could see some giggling and obviously could tell what i was saying was interesting to them. I chose my words carefully. They were so happy as after talking to them they all came to hug me. Its like i had rekindled some hope in them. But i could tell behind the smiles there was a sad story. 

Most of these women are from the rural poor. They come to this particular hospital because there are free services offered here. But its unfortunate that free service takes long before one can finally get to their appointment with the doctor. I understand a needs based assessment has to be carried out and funds solicited for each particular patient. Most of these women had undergone through the process of uterus removal and others were on the queue. For those that had not healed even after the procedure, pain was written all over their eyes. 

But the mothers, wives, sisters were all in smiles. Nothing could deter them from moving on with their lives. Though some of them told me this illness had reduced them to beggars since they could not be able to do any work, they were grateful to God that they were still alive and able to come here where they receive counseling and psycho social support.

Pill Holiday

I think i told you about Mark sometimes back. It was when i was telling you about the young men hooked up to older women in Nairobi, a group which Mark belongs.

Mark is ever in and out of hospital for what he terms 'small' ailments. Since Mark knew about his HIV status, he took it lightly and it has never affected him. He has grown up in orphan hood where no relative cares to know what he does with his life. 

We set to discuss about Mark's condition last week but Mark was not comfortable. He does not want me to know about his adherence. So i set to visit his house. Mark did not know my mission when i was visiting his house. 

In my neighborhood, a grandmother(cucu) to John who is 21 years old now and in Form three had come to my house to request me to talk to John. John had defaulted medication without the knowledge of his "cucu". The cucu who is usually very keen on John's adherence could not understand what had happened. John had been cunning as every time the alarm would ring as a reminder for his medication, he would pick a glass, fill it with water and dash to his bedroom. It was only after two months when cucu went to search for a fees structure in John's bedroom that she was shocked to see the two months untouched dose. She was fuming with range with this discovery she wondered what she had not done for John all this time. 

On Friday, Kui's mother visited me at my office. Kui who is now 22 and lives with her HIV positive mother and her sister has been behaving queerly. Her CD4 count has fallen to 360 and though she has been lucky all this time to avoid the "dreaded antiretrovirals" she is at the blink of starting if she does not take care. Oh with the new WHO guidelines released just recently Kui should be on medication like from yesterday. Her mother had requested her to share her cotrimoxazole with her since her was over and Kui told her to pick from her bedside. She was shocked to find that Kui had not been taking the septrins. She asked her 'If you cant adhere to septrin, how about the ARVs that you talk so ill of?'

Now back to Mark. When i got to his house, i demanded to see his antiretrovirals. Mark was shocked with this and since he knows me when am serious, he decided to tell me the truth. He began, Please Pauline dont judge me, please dont tell anyone, please promise you wont reprimand me..... After all the pleading, i agreed and i sat to listen. Guess what; Mark has not been on medication for the second year running. He told me he is on a pill holiday. He does not understand the reason as to why he should be forced to take medication through out his life without taking holidays. After all every body in life takes a holiday from work, school etc. 

This shocked me. What is society not doing? Is there a gap in addressing the needs of young people born with HIV?

The society has in more than dwelt on PLHIV. Those born and contracted HIV through vertical transmission with HIV inclusive. This has gone on until they have reached 30 years, or don't you know the oldest Kenyan born with HIV is already 30? Somebody needs to take up this and its no other its me. I wish to have funds to conduct a research first to determine the extent and level of pill holiday among young people born with HIV across the country. Appropriate and friendly measures need to be taken to ensure these young people are taken care of. In 2011, it was estimated that 220,000 children were living with HIV with approximately 13,000 new child infections that year. This number of children is below 18 years old. With 15-24 year olds at highest risk of contracting the virus, then HIV prevention interventions among 15-24 need to be up scaled and more focus placed on pediatric HIV.

Denial/Fear of stigma of a HIV positive status

Despite readily available drugs and programs in Kenya , fear and stigma continue to keep some HIV-positive people from seeking treatment, care and support. Some hide in their high CD4 counts and others in their "am healthy" looks. Some even do not want to join a support group of people living with HIV for fear of being discussed. Almost all HIV positive persons go through a period of denial the only difference is the length of time it takes.

For me, my biggest fear was the pill burden. I thought it would not be easy to take medication all my life. I dragged into making a decision until my count was too low and thought was dying and everyone i met told me to start otherwise i would get to stage 4. The fear of contracting a combination of infections drove me to accepting to have a daily alarm that reminds me of popping just like a bell would. Its now a routine, i am used and have persevered the famous side effects. In this i can comfortably say i have conquered. 

Yesterday i had a girls meeting. It was a day to meet and just let out what is in our lives. Time was so short and it grew dark so fast. But the story of Esther touched me. Esther tested positive in 2006. She feared to tell anybody in her family about her changed HIV status. She lives with a step father and her mother with other step siblings. Due to this, other children in the home do not recognize her. Her testing positive changed her attitude towards life and she went into denial. During this time, she engaged herself in alcohol abuse, and she accidentally got pregnant. 

The news of her pregnancy were not welcome at her home and she was chased out of the home. She went to live with the granny far away from her family. Her family only came to her rescue when she was admitted in hospital and had no money to pay for the bill. She however delivered her baby and went back to the granny's home. She had opted to exclusively breastfeed. Her granny had no knowledge about exclusive breastfeeding nor would Esther tell her anything lest her family got wind of it. She therefore allowed her granny to feed her baby girl with all manner of baby food. The baby's health deteriorated fast and she died later of pneumonia. 

It was in 2008 that her mother accompanied Esther to hospital and her status was disclosed. Her mother who is diabetic fainted as a result. Afterwards, Esther narrated to her mother that she knew her status all along and that it was the same reason why her daughter had passed on. The mother was so devastated. She blamed herself for not supporting her daughter when she needed her most.

I believe something would have been done to save Esther's baby. Esther too could have done all she could to save her baby. But all that is gone. Its because of HIV related stigma and discrimination that this happened. Good Social support systems are important for a favorable disclosure environment. But they were not there for Esther. Interventions targeted to HIV affected households need to be up-scaled in order to reduce stigma. This way those living with HIV will be in a friendly environment to cope with the virus.

Depression- My Experience

Recently a poz guy stabbed his wife severally before running off to escape the police. He later reappeared and apologized. Before he committed the alleged crime, he would be alone most of the time, was irritable, refused to eat etc. His colleagues thought he was unwell and since he was not going to hospital they let him be. It was not until he committed the crime that reality dawned on them that indeed the man was depressed. When i saw the man, it rekindled the memories of my own experience.

Sometimes i imagine that someday i had gone mentally ill or do i say literally gone mad and i refuse to believe it. When i tested HIV positive,  I had exams and i had to push away the thoughts of accepting the reality just to allow me study.

It was in 2007 in my third year at the University. I was on Isoniazid as a TB preventive therapy for nine months. Life was normal until i started experiencing convulsions at night. I had no appetite, i had difficulties concentrating in class and any time i read my notes, i would forget everything. I felt tired, restless, wanted to be alone, was sad and hopeless. This particularly happened just after James died. I felt alone in a world which was so cruel.

One day i felt the urge to see Kev and i left Eldoret early and by five i was home. I got home and couldn't find my son. On inquiry, my brothers wife told me she had sent him to the shop. I slapped her. I demanded to know why she was sending my son at night yet she had her own sons. I told her i did not give birth to a son who would be a slave to her. A fight ensued. My brother who was away came in to find us fighting. He tried to come between us and i was so powerful for the two. Mum had the insults and scream and rushed to find out what was going on. I did not spare her either. I cannot remember how long this happened but all i know is that it was awful.

Then after the fight i cried for three hours. Sadness engulfed my home, nobody understood what was going on. Since childhood, i have never been violent. It was during this time amidst sobs that i told mum my status. Today, i don't remember how, but my brother told me i did.

On going back to school, i went back for my clinic appointment. I narrated what i was going through. I was then sent to the mental health department. I was assigned this doctor who i would meet after every two days to talk. Today i understand that this is known as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), a type of psychotherapy, or talk therapy, that helps people change negative thinking styles and behaviors that may contribute to their depression. I was also put on citalopram.Within a period which i don't remember, i was back to normal. 

Other than substance use dis-orders, depression is the most prevalent psychiatric disorder among HIV-positive (HIV+) adults. I now can testify this!

Curious me

When i was growing up in Nyeri, the removal of the foreskin was treated as a very important occasion for transition to adulthood. Any circumcised man was automatically respected by boys"ihii". The experience i understand is so painful and enduring the pain is an indication of bravery or being a 'total man'. This is normal in many traditional and even modern African societies.

 I never took interest in this subject until it became a debate when i was growing up. Men from a particular community in Kenya were always handled and called names just because they did not undergo the rite. They were termed as immature.

Girls are adventurous and when i was in campus, girls would discuss on how 'sweet' uncircumcised men were in bed. I had never had an experience and so i would only listen and not contribute anything. I waited for my day to come when i would see and experience. Shhhhh i am not supposed to discuss this...

I met Chris some years back and he was all over me in a short time. He told me a lot of sweet nothings. I have always known am beautiful and am so confident about it. So it does not move me at all when a man flatters me. But this man was different.The way he said it made me feel important. Wait until he told me he is not circumcised and that he fears the knife. My curiosity was raised. I wondered what i would do without having to go to bed with him. I needed to see how it looks like. 

Dont forget that am a mother to a boy yet this curiosity??//

The Secrets of my Wardrobe

When i visited the village recently, i sought to find out how a certain family was doing from my mother. My interest to know how Mama Mwangi has been in particular is influenced by childhood memories. This is the woman who made me wear my first shoe. I was so sad to learn that her son Mwangi died recently after an overdose of a substance suspected to be an illegal drug. Her husband had died a few years ago and one cannot help to notice that the once rich classy home is no longer the same anymore.

As i watched the jigger infested children wearing shoes with a smile on TV as Cecilia and Ngina Kenyatta donated shoes to Murang'a children yesterday, i felt tears in my eyes. It reminded me of Mama Mwangi helping me to wear the first shoe (bata ngoma) she donated to me at age 6. Of course the shoe did not last and i was back to my usual life with no shoes. Accompanying the shoes had been her daughters' old clothes to wear. 

Life as a child was tough. Mum struggled to feed four mouths all alone. We did not have a change of clothes nor shoes but to us it was normal. When well wishers like Mama Mwangi visited, it was a celebration. Their goodies however only lasted a short time and we were back to our old life. I bought my first shoe while in class eight when my uncle gave me Ksh 100. The shoe costed Ksh 150 but since the owner of the shoe shop was a neighbor, she agreed to give me the shoe and payment would be done later. I paid the debt when the shoe was already torn but i could not afford a replacement. In high school, i visited the garbage bin whenever form fours were leaving for i knew i would get old shoes that would last me a little bit longer. I never wanted to bother mum with issues yet i knew school fees was a problem. Being sent home is what i dreaded most.

Today in the office this afternoon, a colleague told me on my face the uniqueness of my wardrobe. Since i started earning a few coins of my own, my wardrobe comes first. I have countless shoes, dresses name it. 

I would never wish to see any child without the basics; clothes. Unfortunately or fortunately, my work involves visiting poor people and every time i spot a girl without shoes, i feel teary. I cant avoid to sympathize. I support children with clothes wherever i can, i share my clothes with those who do not have but i cannot be able to afford to support all. But every time i see a child smile after receiving a clothing gift, i see my own smile in that child.

I wish all children would have access to a shoe.

Kev's father was a batterer-my confession

Yesterday was Fathers day. I took time to meditate on the memories of the men who have left a mark in my life. I never saw my dad so i cannot talk much about him, but i will always be grateful to be his daughter. My brothers are all dads, i hope one day we shall get close. How about the father to my son? Hmmmm this is the story.....
When i met Moses, he was loving and kind. Life had not treated me so well after school and having disagreed with my brothers and i moved out, i was going through hardships. I did not take time to learn the man i started to date at only 19.

I was working as a casual laborer in Nanyuki, the town known best as 'Mwisho wa reli'. This is where i met Moses who was working at a firm close to ours. We became close and sooner than later i was visiting his home where his mum lived. His mum would welcome me warmly and i would feel so loved. All of a sudden i had met a family that showed me love which had not been the case at home. 

Seven months into the relationship, i conceived in July 2001. I was only two months to celebrating a two decade life. My journey of motherhood began. My pregnancy was without issues and on 25th March 2002, i walked to Nanyuki District Hospital where Kev was born. He weighed 2kgs. 

I will never forget the day i left hospital, on 26th, because for the first time, Moses hit me. I did not know this was to become the order of the day for me thereafter. I had joined Moses for a come we stay arrangement immediately i realized i was pregnant. I had never known that Moses was not ready for my baby until he started his usual fights. He also would not bring any food home and i had to depend on his mother. He would come home while drunk late into the night, wake me up with the baby and throw us out. I vividly remember the countless nights i spent outside with nowhere to go.

This continued and i felt i could not take the humiliation anymore.His mother took sides with him and it also became obvious to me he was sleeping with other women. By the fifth month, he brought a sexually transmitted infection. I hated him so much then that any time he wanted to have sex with me it would result to fights and if he won he forced it.

I moved out of the house and rented my own small one roomed house. Life here was hell. I would get food from well wishers and when i did not we slept hungry. I wont talk about rent or clothing because i was not even able to pay or buy any new clothes. Kev was so tiny as he had been born one month earlier and neighbors sympathized with me a lot. I would go look for casual labor with Kev on my back. It was not only difficult to find work but also finish any due to hunger and Kev's crying at the same time. By this time, i could feel Kev was crying because my breasts hardly produced any milk.

One day while washing clothes at a certain home, i thought of the prodigal son's story in the bible. All this time, i believed mum still loved me despite my brothers hatred for me. I did not finish the wash, i walked from that home to my mother and cried my all. Mum was shocked to see me with a baby. All this time, Kev's name was Edwin as named after birth by his father. I never told mum his name and after crying so much i did not give any details to mum on how i had been living but walked away leaving my son behind. Mum named him Kev and their life together began. Today we laugh about it when she reminds me of how she would attend village meetings and people would wonder where she got a baby all of a sudden. Thank God Kev is my look alike and they would not inquire further once they looked at the boy.

I went back to the town, this time vowing to do anything to bring up my son. I trusted mum would take good care of Kev the same way she did take care of me. And she has. Kev today is a wonderful boy. Though mum's support has widened the rift between me and my brothers to a level that they have refused to support her, i have vowed to support her through thick and thin because she has supported me all this time. Sometimes i wonder what i would have done if mum was not there.Mum and Kev are my reason to live. Despite my HIV, i work hard to ensure they are well fed and cared for. As long as i am alive, i will not disappoint,they can count on me!

Incest and Pregnancy- An experience

When i set out to open my heart for young girls and women, i never knew i would learn so much everyday.

In the African set up, incestuous relationships are a no go zone area since they are regarded as an abomination. However they happen everyday and as Pauline i will never understand why nobody will want to talk about it. Let me share Eunice's story.

Eunice's pregnancy has become the center of focus in her school. Eunice is in form 2 and is now 16 years old. She began exhibiting pregnancy symptoms and teachers decided that she undergo a pregnancy test. It was found to be positive and the obvious is now visible.Her tummy has began bulging.

Teachers in this school are talking in hush tones. When the counselor teacher talked to Eunice, the innocent girl disclosed of her uncle's threats anytime he raped her. The counselor teacher shared this and now the teachers are all talking about it. Surprisingly, the teachers are now debating on whether to advice the girl to abort or carry the baby to full term.As their debate continues, Eunice's tummy continue to bulge and her emotional turmoil cannot be described. The case has not been reported to the police yet.

Incest cases are the least reported in this country. Alcohol and substance abuse play a big role in fueling this beastly act. Its a pity that where i come from alcohol abuse is the order of the day.

Cruel death of a young mother

I do not like death stories but this sounded very interesting to me. 

Scholastica was admitted to Kenyatta National hospital nine months ago. She had gone to the referral hospital to deliver her baby through Cs. While performing the procedure, the doctor accidentally perforated her kidney or bladder am not sure which one. The result was that urine would flow inside the body. To cut the long story short, Schola died last week after a lot of pain and suffering. She could not even breast feed her baby as she was in and out of hospital.

Drama began after Scholars death. The in-laws demanded that she could not be buried before dowry was paid. The husband who was determined to bury the mother of his three children sought support from friends and relatives to help pay the required amount before burial. His friends who stood by him all through helped him raise the demanded payment. 

The body was scheduled for burial in the interior expansive Laikipia County. Those that were to carry the body had to wake up in the wee hours of the morning to be able to transport the body to the husbands home. Due to the demanded dowry payment, the husband to the deceased did not have enough money to hire a hearse vehicle. They therefore agreed that they would carry the body on top of the vehicle they were to travel in. The wife relatives however demanded that their daughter would not be placed on top of a vehicle. Left with no choice, they had to find a way of carrying the body with minimal costs. They did carry the body and by the time they reached Nakuru, two vehicles had broken down. When the third vehicle broke down, they all agreed to view the body and request the dead to accept to go and be buried. The ritual took an hour but unfortunately the third vehicle broke down about five kilo meters to the home. By this time, the mourners were so tired and had no money left to hire another vehicle and they had to carry the body on their shoulders.Finally, Schola was buried on Saturday.

This particular death is one painful one. She was only 24. Maternal deaths in this country that occur due to negligence are many. On the other hand its a pity that culture and tradition binds us to this date. The burden now lies with the husband to bring up his three children. Unfortunately he is not in good terms with the in-laws who are now taking care of his children. I do not want to imagine what this man has and is going through right now. May Schola rest in peace.

Efavirenz and Drowsiness- An experience

Yesterday afternoon, i was very sad of what mum was going through. I could not concentrate at work and i requested to leave to try and find peace. To reduce my stress i visited a friend Mercy who i had not seen in a long time.

Mercy is a friend i treasure very much. We met in Nakuru during a get together for HIV positives planned by Stacy care Foundation in 2007. I was a third year student then and she was a businesswoman in the city. We instantly became friends. We had attended the meeting with hopes to meet HIV positive men to date but unfortunately those that showed up were women only. It was disappointing as attending the meeting was at a cost and at the same time i had to travel from Eldoret. 

Mercy was so emotional while she shared her story on how she got infected with HIV. It was in 2006 while she had gone to purchase her wares in Eastleigh in Nairobi as usual and unfortunately on this particular day she got late. As she walked home, three men appeared, grabbed her from behind and gang raped her on the roadside. She was married then and they had a five year old daughter. After that ugly incident, she refused to have intercourse with her husband. She felt so dirty and useless. Her husband who she did not disclose what had happened suspected her of infidelity and one day forced her to visit a VCT. They were both tested and hers turned out positive. Her husband walked out on her.

Since then,she started a life of a single mother. Mercy is very hardworking and runs a 24 hour hotel in one of the Nairobi estates. Last year her CD4 had dropped to 150 and doctors at the clinic asked her to start medication. 

Efavirenz was given to her as one of the combination drugs. Since January, she has gone through hell. One is usually advised to take this drug at night before sleeping to avoid drowsiness. But Mercy's business runs for twenty four hours. She sleeps for only two hours a day. This is not enough time and therefore she could not escape the ugly side effects of this drug at work. Even her workers have noticed.They have tried to convince her to stop drinking beer as they think she is always drunk. She has no courage to share the reason why she looks and behaves like a drunkard. She has also been vomiting and her neighbors and workers think she could be pregnant. 

Its now the sixth month and the side effects are yet to subside. This has added stress to her life and blood pressure shot up in February. She was put on some medication to keep it at bay. She was also advised by her doctors to try and loose weight. She was 89kgs and she is supposed to get to 60 as recommended. So far she has only lost four Kilos. I advised her on slim possible but she cannot find time due to commitments. 

Oh i had to leave to let her sleep for her usual two hours. But was happy to realize that by just talking to her my stress had vanished.

What Lies ahead for Jane?

Last evening, my friend Mark told me to go and talk to a friend he met recently. Mark values me a lot as he believes i have a lot to offer to young girls. He has always felt the passion i have when i talk about girl life. But more often than not i find myself sympathizing with the situations of young girls especially when i remember what i went through myself to be where i am today.

When Jane saw us approaching, she became so emotional. We had some tea together which helped calm her a bit to be able to narrate her story.

Jane is now 19 years old, but one look at her could give you an impression that she is older. Life was normal until her mother died while she was six years old. The journey of orphan-hood began with her being taken from one relative to another. She would be mistreated and keep moving out only to find that there is no difference. However she finally settled with a distant  aunt in a village near the city of Nairobi.

At 16 while in Form 2, Jane got into a sexual relationship with a lab technician at school. Within no time, she was pregnant. On attending her first antenatal visit, a HIV test was done and guess what, the young girl tested positive.

Jane had to drop out of school and the situation with her aunt got worse when she disclosed she was pregnant. Due to the problems at home, she wished she could find a man to marry her. Her wishes came true when a young man befriended her and they became steady. In a short time, she was pregnant again. They were in a come we stay arrangement and she did not mind. However, her happiness was short lived as the young man walked out on her one day. In her situation she discovered she was pregnant for the third time. Her life with two children was already too much and this time, she opted for an abortion. She solicited for money and the only amount she could get was Ksh 2000. All the same, a friend who had introduced her to a doctor friend at a close health centre told her she could help her bargain. Finally she did abort.

The reason why Jane wanted to see me was that since she dropped out of school, living with her aunt has become a nightmare. Her aunt no longer works and she is expected to provide for the whole family. She washes clothes in the nearby suburb and the little she gets is not enough for the family. To add salt to all this, she has been experiencing lower belly aches that are worsening by the day. 

Mark and i promised to help her find a good doctor who would check on her stomach. We also gave her hope that its possible that just like my life changed, hers too would. How i wish Jane would go back to school.

Jane is just one out of many HIV positive young mothers struggling to earn a living in the informal settlements of Nairobi. What lays ahead for these girls? My heart goes out to them that some well wisher would rescue them from these harsh conditions. 

Jane says she does not want to see any man close to her anymore.

About Me

Pauline Gift Zawadi is a pseudonym. I use it to express and share my experiences as a HIV positive young woman living in Nairobi Kenya. I chose to use it because i am yet to disclose my status to the most important person in my life, my son. I would want to remain anonymous till that day i will gain the courage of telling him about my HIV status. I do not want him to hear it from any other source. I feel that my true identity matters less than touching someones heart in matters HIV!

I am 31 years old, tested HIV positive in 2006 and am a mother to 11 year old Kev. I was born and brought up in Nyeri County. I have a degree in Social Studies from Moi University. I have been working in the HIV/AIDs field for the last five years. In my life, i have gone through painful experiences and other people have shared with me their own. What touches my heart is the plight of young children who have grown in orphan hood especially young girls.Its my wish and hope that every girl child would have access to education and information as i did.

Its from this background that i decided to become active in writing about HIV moreso address HIV from a young woman's and girls point of view. I am deeply passionate about experiences of young people born with HIV especially young girls and young mothers.

In this blog, i will be publishing both my stories and other young women's stories but with consent from those that i share. In all the articles however, i will not disclose the identity of anyone unless they have consented i use their real names.

Enjoy reading and share with your contacts. For anyone who is interested to support this work, you can write an email to paulinegiftzawadi@gmail.com or inbox me through my face book page or @zawadipolly on twitter.

When sex is not fun but a form of slavery- Cougar Relationships in Nairobi

When this group of young men invited me to their meeting, i had no idea what awaited me. 

I had met Mark some years back as a student and i had no idea how he survived in this Nairobi without a job yet he was always smart. I knew his background so well so i obviously knew that his support did not come from his parents. On entering his house one day, i was served with Amarula which i chose to drink from a variety of wines in his fridge. Mark lives a flashy lifestyle but he is not smiling. He invited me to visit his friends.

The meeting was in a young man's house which was a self contained, one bedroom and well furnished. The young man is in 2nd year at the University and is only 22. He only leaves this house only to attend class otherwise any other time he has to be accompanied. The only reason he agreed i get into his house was because i was with my friend Mark.

I am small sized.They say i look 19 year old and others 21. As Mark later told me, this was the main reason the group of eight young men who range between 19 and 25 years felt comfortable discussing with me their issues. They are in what they called slavery of sex.

All the eight young men are in cougar relationships. Two of them are HIV positive. The women they date cannot be named here for fear of dire consequences. They are women in big positions of honor who are respected in their fields and are excellent performers.

Mark who is my friend for years now is very close to me. But he sometimes does disappear from me without trace where he is unavailable even on phone. Its in this meeting that he finally wanted to let the cat out of the bag. Mark started his story and the others followed. I felt like i was watching a movie. The young men are not entitled to making any decision in these relationships. They are to follow instructions.They are not allowed to date younger girls, when their mamas are on leave, they leave Nairobi for weeks to have 'fun'. Sometimes they even travel outside the country. 

When it began, the young men were in it for the money. They needed the money so much that nothing else mattered then. But now, the women do not give them their space. The relationships are emotionally draining. Mark, Ken and Kelvin have not been performing well in school because often, they miss classes. For the two that are HIV positive, its worse. Despite informing their women that they are infected, they are not allowed to discuss condom use. The women take care of their treatment. Kelvin and Mose narrated of how their genitals ache every time they have vigorous activity with the women. The women are out to try out all the styles they never did while they were young. Kelvin paused this question to me, is there Viagra for women, i did not answer but promised to do my research so that i would answer later.

After that meeting, it has been months. I have not gone back despite being requested by Mark to attend. There is so much i do not understand. As i always say i am not a judge so i judge no one. The reason i have kept away is because the young men needed a solution which i did not have. They have the solution themselves! I did my part by giving them advice and now its up to them to decide. Latest from Mark is that all eight have decided to stay put.

I wish i had a sister

Mum and i are the only women in my nuclear family. I have three brothers all adults, two of whom are married. My brothers and i happen to have been born not too closely but with an age difference of at least four years. 

Our first born is married with two children. His wife hates mum and i with passion. She recently influenced her husband to move out of our ancestral home to go to a far town. Her husband and i have never been close because all my childhood he beat me for no reason at all. For him, he called it discipline. One incident i remember vividly was when i had to go to the river eight times carrying two five litre jerricans and i had to reach home while full with water. It was torturous to say the least. By the time i was doing it for the seventh time, every part of me was aching and so i took longer than usual to bring water home. I received a beating for overstaying at the river playing with other girls as he said.

Our second born brother was my closest childhood friend but we grew distant after school. We were both very bright in school and we always made our mother proud when we were awarded for exemplary performance. But come college level, i outsmart him and we were friends no more. He kept on whining on how mum favors me. He too left home a few months ago. He told mum on her face he does not need any inheritance. She can give all to me if she wills.

Our last born came at a time when i thought that i would always remain the last born. As a baby, he stole all the attention  mum had for me. I hated being told to carry him on my back as mum went on her daily house chores. Other times i would be left to tend to him the whole day which seemed like a century.

When we were young, mum treated us the same. We were brought up in a very religious background. We prayed after waking up, any time we were having meals and before sleeping, she taught us to always love each other. Every Sunday we had to go to church. I joined Sunday school at an early age and from the onset i loved singing. 

My brothers and i today are better off called strangers. We do not communicate and when we try it turns out chaotic.As a result, i live in this world as a loner. The only person who understands and feels me is mum. But my brothers see it as favoritism.

There are things that i cannot discuss with mum obviously. Like my HIV status is under lock and key. My dating too, i cannot share with her when i feel lonely. Sometimes loneliness take its toll on me and i have no one to share with. Its is not anything i would share with colleagues too, they may not understand. However, knowing very well there is nobody i can cry to or nag about what i am going through, i have learnt to be strong.To be my own comfort. For now i cant wait for Kev to be older who i can tell all that i go through. i believe he will understand his mother.

I wish i had a sister because when i get into a friendship with a lady, its not just friendship. I treat her like a sister. Most have left because of the attention i demand unknowingly. With my age now, most of my friends are married. They cannot give any attention, their husbands and children need them more. 

What if i had a sister? Maybe things would be different am not sure. The things that heavily stress me probably would have been half solved because my sister would feel me.

Adherence to Antiretroviral therapy, My personal experience

Adherence to anti-retro-viral treatment (ART) is taking the correct prescribed dose on the schedule specified.  In most cases, ART requires nearly perfect adherence to suppress the virus fully and prevent drug resistance. Adherence to anti-retro-viral therapy (ART) among people living with HIV infection is critical for treatment success and HIV prevention. 

For close to five years, i was supposed to be on cotrimoxazole (septrin) since my CD4 count was still stable.My first ever CD4 count result was 927. Back then, i was not as informed as now and therefore thought being on ARVs is a shame and a burden at the same time. 

I would  receive my dosage every time i attended clinic. For the beginning, i took the drugs consistently until i started experiencing over growth of the yeast Candida, which caused thrush. I would go back to clinic and all the time they prescribed medication for yeast infection. It reached a point i got tired and i stopped the septrin altogether. However, i did not report this to my clinic and they continued giving me the septrins but i would get home and keep them in a drawer and act like i was taking them. I did this for long until i transferred to my current comprehensive care clinic. Here, i refused to accept septrin again and hence was prescribed for dapson. On taking dapson for about two months, i experienced the same side effects and i stopped. 

It was until the month of November 2010 that my CD4 count was found to be 278 which is below the WHO recommended 350. I was given a month to decide whether i was ready for a life time commitment(ARVs). After one month i was not ready, nor was i even after two months. The scare of side effects as was always narrated by my fellow ladies in support groups deterred my decision. I finally resolved that in the new year i would make the decision to start.

On Valentines 2011, i woke up early to go receive my first dose of ARVs. A week earlier i had attended adherence and nutrition sessions as a preparation measure for this major decision i had made in my life. The first night i took zidolam, i did not sleep; I waited for the famous side effects. 

Its on my third day that i started feeling nausea-tic, dizziness and lack of appetite.

My ARVS &Septrin

I went through these for nine months. My neighbors who thought i was pregnant waited in vain for my stomach to bulge. I was later changed from zidolam to a combination of tenofovir, lamivudine and nevi-rapine. I am better nowadays though more often than not i suffer nausea.

The journey has not been easy. Every valentines day when every one else is celebrating love, i celebrate a triumph, another year of sacrifice and commitment to ART. Every nine am and pm, i have to pop my tabs. I hate the ugly and sizeable blue one. Hey and by the way i now take septrin. Its now two years and counting. I have a very large mirror to monitor my body just in-case these drugs may affect my shape like they have done to many other women by causing lipodistrophy.

As long as am in my house, am timely. Once i travel, its trouble. I so often forget. My phone alarm however is an every time reminder that i need to pop.

So far so good and the journey continues........

My disclosure Experience as young woman living with HIV

It was while in Second year at Moi University that i got to know my HIV status. On leaving the voluntary counseling and testing room at Uasin Gishu district Hospital, i decided to break the news to the man i thought cared. The news changed him to date and though we are still friends, he sees me differently. I however appreciate his friendship.

My second time to disclose was not intentional. After James died in 2007, while in third year, the reality of my status with no person to take care of me dawned on me so heavily that i went down with depression. I was mentally unwell. During this time i unconsciously told my mother about it. I only knew recently that my mother knew my status all along and she had never talked to me about since then.

Asunta Wagura

During my stay at the university, Asunta Wagura was my role model. I bought the daily nation every Wednesday just to read her diary. To feel more wanted, i decided to contact her using the email provided at the end of her diary. Her encouragement kept me going. I remember some words she put in my email one day. ' You have to graduate with honours, then later on with masters PHD..... you are too young to kill your dreams just because you have been told you are HIV positive. HIV positive people should not be beggars but should work hard to earn their own living. That changed my life. I worked hard and i did come out with Upper second Class honors in my field.

Joining the professional world has changed me a lot. I earn my salary and am able to take care of my needs, most importantly educate my son and put up a permanent house for my mother a project that is ongoing that i hope to finish soon. As a young beautiful,vibrant hardworking woman, i meet so many men who like me. But the mention of my status make them vanish.

Take for example Moses. 

Moses got to know me at a gathering i had attended and he fell in love at first sight. We chatted, dated, went out together until that day i broke the news. He cancelled the engagement! He is not alone many others have come and left. I sometimes feel my HIV is the cause of my rejection! But i also tell myself that if they did not stay, they were not meant to be mine.

I joined my first support group at AMPATH, where i accessed care and treatment then. I did not like the support group since it consisted of people who were not my age mates.  When i joined another which was being led by a young woman, i felt good. It however did not last as i did not feel like i wanted to continue repeating my story every time i went for a meeting.

Public disclosure of HIV status comes with pros and cons. Asunta who i finally met and who i treasure to date, has tasted publicity in all sides. But i decided not to go her way. I choose a pseudonym and joined the online community. Pauline Zawadi was created in June 2009. I began with face book, Twitter and now this blog. As Pauline, my story has appeared on the Daily nation(December 1 2012), i have contributed in several magazines and my face book page has helped many overcome self stigma.

To you my reader, join me in celebrating my four years as Pauline Gift Zawadi.

To be a second wife hmmmmm No.

More often than not, the temptation to accept being a second wife is quite tempting especially for single mothers and when age is going upwards and nothing is forthcoming. Several men beyond the age of 40 have approached me for marriage(despite knowing my HIV positive status).

Take for example Marcus.

Marcus is 48 years old now and a father of four. His children are all grown up some working and others at university level. The wife is a civil servant working in upcountry. Marcus therefore lives in Nairobi with his children who are never in most of the time. Whenever we meet, Marcus tells me he feels lonely. At first, i trusted him because of the respect i had for him. We met during my pregnancy 12 years ago. He used to sell baby clothes and so i frequented his shop. Back then he was not as rich. He did not even own a car. Recently, he told me i deserve to be loved despite my status. Up to now he awaits my decision.....that of agreeing to be his second wife.

James who infected with the HIV died at 45. He was a married man. His plans were that as soon i was done with school, he would marry me as his second wife.

My mum was a second wife. She married my dad when she was only 19!. My dad then was 40.His other eight children were young adults. In fact the first born was her age mate. My dad died when my mum was pregnant with me and so i never got the opportunity to see my dad. My mama says i took after dad. Oh how i wish i touched you dad. Anyway that's a subject for another day.

All my life i and my family suffered the humiliation of my mum's choice to be a second wife. Unfortunately, dad was not there for comfort and to stamp his authority.

I vowed that never in my life will i make the mistake of making the same choice. Unfortunately, men this kind are usually so fatherly. They tend to provide that fatherly love i missed all my life. They are the best when it comes to decision making. Unlike young men who are not sure what they want in a woman, these ones know exactly what they want. Young men set preconditions in their minds and as a result most of them end up being players since once they notice you don't meet one of the condition, they jump to another without notice. Many women cry to my shoulders after giving their all in a relationship then it ends like switching off an electric switch. The man wakes up one day and says its over and does not care about the feelings of his partner.

So what have i decided in this matter? I am never going to be a second wife. period