On the road to Motherhood again, and am travelling solo

I am a go-getter and when i promise myself i want something, i do not care about the risks. I believe in taking risks and overcoming to feel good that i did it. I decided i wanted a baby a few months back. And i went ahead and put measures towards achieving what i wanted. I went ahead and chose the man to have a baby with. It was easiest to choose my ex because if i invited him for a sex date he wouldn't deny me. Secondly, my ex is HIV positive just like i am and therefore i was comfortable that i wasn't going to pass the damn virus to baby daddy. I also knew my ex did not need a baby and so it was easy for him to deny responsibility. I went ahead and ensured that i gave him a sex date only when i was sure i was most likely going to conceive. I only failed once and the next month i am pregnant!

Before i got pregnant i talked to several doctors and most would say my case is very rare. Very few women take such drastic decisions like i did these days. Some were so discouraging wondering why i wanted to have another baby yet i already had one. Others asked why i needed another baby yet i was living with HIV and i wondered whether HIV positive mothers do not have rights to choose what they want. Another even told me that its very hard for me to conceive i wonder what he would say now that i am celebrating. 

 I am now officially pregnant and i feel over the moon. The news are just exciting. I am very well aware of the long journey that am gonna take, the process of ensuring my baby isn't infected by the virus and i am soo ready for it.

A change of environment is also quite exciting as i am moving to a different town. Actually am moving closer to my  mum. I wonna get a baby girl and name her after my mother because i love her so much. God forbid a boy because i will have to name him after my brother who we are not in good terms currently. If it happens then i will have defy traditions and give my son a different name. 

I know the road to motherhood alone isn't going to be easy and lucky me i got women friends who are very caring. I like them more those that are single mums because they completely feel me. I have already given them the news and they have assured me of their support. For now am loving it. I have been sleepless and so have got the opportunity to feel the process of GOD creating a new being within me. I am already starting to feel heavy. I am eating like a pig and it feels very good considering how i have been poor in  the food department. I have had to be pushed to eat but now its crazy. The craving for smokie starts early and i frown on the shop early in the morning when i find they have not yet opened. I did not know it was craving till last night when i confirmed the test. 

This feeling feels like a first time. I had my son while so young and i cant remember so much of what i went through during pregnancy. This time i am pregnant out of choice. Its lovely. Its wonderful. May God grant me the grace i need to travel this road and finish the race. As for my friends, your support this time is paramount. I know i will be moody but thank God i will be in a new office. I have been blessed with two things at the same time. A new job, and a pregnancy. Who am i not to say that Jehovah is worthy of all praise. I have prayed to get a job and he has greatly rewarded me and now a baby, wow. Its joy that i cannot explain. 

I have some fears though. Its my hope that the two most important people in my life will understand me; my son and my mum. They better because i am gonna add another to their fold. 

As i begin counting 280 days, i hope that you will be part of this journey. I am also having other needs for now because i don't think i will want to walk a lot once my belly begins to grow big. By then, i am trusting that God will have blessed me with a car to ease my movement as i juggle between work and pregnancy.   Its gonna be an eventful journey. Hoping it will be all joy. Watch this space!