Susan's Confession

I had gone for my usual clinic appointment when i sat next to a lady at the waiting bay. I am not usually talkative in real life and keep to myself, wait until am served and then leave quietly as i came. But this day was different. My neighbor seemed uncomfortable being quiet and she managed to introduce herself to me. I think she really wanted to vent out on this day because i must say she was bold enough to talk to me considering how i put a 'don't talk to me face' while at the clinic.

Susan is her name. She lives in Nairobi's Eastlands area. She began her story. Susan is 34 years old now and i couldn't help to notice how handsome her son was as she kept on cuddling him as we waited to be served. Her son Brian is now eight months. She informed me that he was so far negative and she was excited over this. She had followed all the PMTCT guidelines to the later to ensure she did not make any mistake.

She had reasons why she had been too cautious. Susan had been on the dating scene for years. At first she had opted to marry only a Hiv positive man. But as her biological clock ticked, she got impatient. One day, she felt she couldn't take it anymore. She was determined to have a family yet no man was forthcoming. HIV had become a barrier to her happiness. She decided that she would put hiv at the back of her mind and open herself to dating any man who liked her. What she dreaded most was the likelihood of being asked to go for a HIV test by a prospective boyfriend. 

Chris came along. He was all over her within no time and he did not bother to ask her to go for a test. She decided she wasn't going to loose him. She decided to keep mum over her HIV status. With time, Chris proposed and she definitely rushed to the suggestion of living together. She wanted a baby so much that within the first six months, she had already conceived baby Brian.

To date, two years later, HIV has never been a subject in their family. Susan chose to live with her secret and therefore cannot discuss safe sex in her marriage. That is the sacrifice she had to take to have a family. However, Susan still continues with her clinic appointments and adheres to her treatment as instructed by the doctors. She had to change pill time to accommodate herself to the time her husband is away. Thanks to her being cautious, she is yet to be caught by her husband nor has he ever been suspicious. For now they are living a happy family with HIV buried under the table. I only wish that HIV does not rear its ugly head soon but Susan told me she would cross the bridge when she gets there. For now what matters to her is her family; Chris and Brian. 'If i had continued to disclose my status to every Dick and Harry who approached me, Chris and Brian would be nowhere' she told me.

I cannot judge Susan. I myself i am a victim of trapping a man into making me pregnant just because i wanted a baby so much. We always blame it on the biological clock but to me its more than that. Its the urge to find love in the crudest means possible. For Susan, Brian loves her unconditionally and same here, i am sure that baby Wambui will love mummy unconditionally too. 
We may have committed sin if judged by the human folk, but the search for unconditional love and the need to belong overcame us to do this. Under the sexual offenses act 2009, Susan would be jailed for intentionally infecting Chris if Chris discovers her secret and if he tests HIV positive. Yes what we have done is not right both in law and in the Bible. I totally agree. But we already did it and its now in the past. Judging us would be like crying over spilt water.
I know Susan and I are not alone. There are many other women out there who do crazy things. We are not exceptional in any way. Today i was on Google and guess what i goggled? "Pregnant with my ex's baby" and that alone gave me more than 88million results. Oooops i am not alone. 

My first visit to a gyno

Since i tested positive for pregnancy, i spent sleepless nights due to severe cramps. It got a time when i had shoulder pain and i couldn't lift my left hand for a week. Its these symptoms that really got me scared and i decided to see a gyno who has a record to successfully solve reproductive health issues in many women. I knew this would come with a cost but i chose him for the sake of my health. Since i started living with the HIV virus, my health always comes first and any pain or unusual feeling is taken very seriously. I have previously experienced poz people who ignored a feeling or a pain and they ended up in a hospital bed. I travelled all the way to his clinic a journey that took me three hours. We had never met but i knew in my heart he would help me. 

The first thing that i talked to him about was my HIV positive status and that i was pregnant out of choice twelve years later after my first born son. He congratulated me for this and i felt very welcome. I went ahead to narrate what had brought me all the way from Nairobi to see him. At first, the symptoms made him suspect ectopic pregnancy and he asked me when i has taken an emergency pill last. I couldn't remember so he ruled it out and told me all will be well. 

He recommended a ultrasound as much as my pregnancy was only five weeks old just to find out what would be causing the pain in my stomach. As i rested on that bed as the technician conducted the ultrasound, i prayed that my baby would be fine. The technician however mentioned to me that there was a problem with my left ovary which my doctor would explain better. I left the lab and walked back to my doctors clinic in faith that all was well. As the doctor opened the envelop from the lab, i was so anxious and i was just wondering what news that envelope carried and what mattered most was my baby's health.

He read the pelvic ultrasound report that indicated my baby was well forming and corresponded to five weeks and one day. There were no uterine fibroids seen and my right ovary is normal. However there is a well defined left ovarian cyst measuring approximately 3.04cm by 3.50 cm. And the sonographer had suggested a three weeks follow up to confirm viability. 

The doctor explained that most cysts in pregnancy go away on their own and therefore there was no need to worry. He also informed me that trying to interfere this early in pregnancy would put me in danger of a miscarriage and therefore told me to relax. The highest possibility was that the cyst would go away on its own. Other possibilities would be that the cyst would rapidly grow, bleed or rupture and also may twist.

The doctor however assured me that that having cysts during pregnancy is fairly common in many women and is harmless to my baby. Oh i walked out informed and encouraged. Yes baby Wambui(my chosen name for my baby girl) stay in there mummy loves you so much. 

In the meantime, speculation continues for who my baby daddy is even to a point where a counselor suspected that i was a victim of infecting the man who is my baby daddy. No never would i infect anyone with my virus. I made sure my baby daddy is a man i had known for five years and had the virus too. I also ensured that we only had unprotected sex when i was very likely to get pregnant and it was easy somehow to convince him though he would tell me to take emergency pill to caution against pregnancy but he did not know that that what he did not want was what i wanted so much. 

Mum is already aware of my pregnancy and i am glad that i let her know that i am expecting. Kev is not and i feel its best to keep it that way until he sees my big belly.

On the road to Motherhood again, and am travelling solo

I am a go-getter and when i promise myself i want something, i do not care about the risks. I believe in taking risks and overcoming to feel good that i did it. I decided i wanted a baby a few months back. And i went ahead and put measures towards achieving what i wanted. I went ahead and chose the man to have a baby with. It was easiest to choose my ex because if i invited him for a sex date he wouldn't deny me. Secondly, my ex is HIV positive just like i am and therefore i was comfortable that i wasn't going to pass the damn virus to baby daddy. I also knew my ex did not need a baby and so it was easy for him to deny responsibility. I went ahead and ensured that i gave him a sex date only when i was sure i was most likely going to conceive. I only failed once and the next month i am pregnant!

Before i got pregnant i talked to several doctors and most would say my case is very rare. Very few women take such drastic decisions like i did these days. Some were so discouraging wondering why i wanted to have another baby yet i already had one. Others asked why i needed another baby yet i was living with HIV and i wondered whether HIV positive mothers do not have rights to choose what they want. Another even told me that its very hard for me to conceive i wonder what he would say now that i am celebrating. 

 I am now officially pregnant and i feel over the moon. The news are just exciting. I am very well aware of the long journey that am gonna take, the process of ensuring my baby isn't infected by the virus and i am soo ready for it.

A change of environment is also quite exciting as i am moving to a different town. Actually am moving closer to my  mum. I wonna get a baby girl and name her after my mother because i love her so much. God forbid a boy because i will have to name him after my brother who we are not in good terms currently. If it happens then i will have defy traditions and give my son a different name. 

I know the road to motherhood alone isn't going to be easy and lucky me i got women friends who are very caring. I like them more those that are single mums because they completely feel me. I have already given them the news and they have assured me of their support. For now am loving it. I have been sleepless and so have got the opportunity to feel the process of GOD creating a new being within me. I am already starting to feel heavy. I am eating like a pig and it feels very good considering how i have been poor in  the food department. I have had to be pushed to eat but now its crazy. The craving for smokie starts early and i frown on the shop early in the morning when i find they have not yet opened. I did not know it was craving till last night when i confirmed the test. 

This feeling feels like a first time. I had my son while so young and i cant remember so much of what i went through during pregnancy. This time i am pregnant out of choice. Its lovely. Its wonderful. May God grant me the grace i need to travel this road and finish the race. As for my friends, your support this time is paramount. I know i will be moody but thank God i will be in a new office. I have been blessed with two things at the same time. A new job, and a pregnancy. Who am i not to say that Jehovah is worthy of all praise. I have prayed to get a job and he has greatly rewarded me and now a baby, wow. Its joy that i cannot explain. 

I have some fears though. Its my hope that the two most important people in my life will understand me; my son and my mum. They better because i am gonna add another to their fold. 

As i begin counting 280 days, i hope that you will be part of this journey. I am also having other needs for now because i don't think i will want to walk a lot once my belly begins to grow big. By then, i am trusting that God will have blessed me with a car to ease my movement as i juggle between work and pregnancy.   Its gonna be an eventful journey. Hoping it will be all joy. Watch this space!

I celebrate you today for touching my heart in a special way

They say each person with HIV goes through a denial phase at a certain time in their life and i am no exception. Since 2006, i was always excited over not being on medication and any time i received septrin(cotrimaxazole) i would not take. I had started with a CD4 count of 927 and i somehow believed i was too healthy for the virus. But the counts went down anytime i went back for my clinic appointment maybe because i had been disobedient and not followed the doctor's instructions to the latter. 

Close to the end of the year 2010, my counts had come down to 278 and doctors advised me to start medication. I refused and demanded that i be given time to think. I could not take forever and therefore had to begin medication and on Valentines 2011, i began. 

My face book page Pauline Gift Zawadi just like this blog is the place where i have vented out my feelings for close to five years now. I always share with my friends and followers what i  go through both emotionally and physically. 
Just after start of my taking ARVs, I sometimes would forget to take medication and i made this call to my face book friends to be reminding me to take my drugs and three friends came out to help; Pamela, Marcie and Symo. They would remind me to take medication daily. I celebrate the three of you today. You all touched my heart in a special way and i pray for Gods blessings upon your lives.
 From February to November Pamela sent me either a message or called daily to remind me to take my drugs. I had never met Pamela till sometimes in September 2011. She had requested me to be one of her bridesmaid during her wedding in November. The wedding was awesome. I went to Kisumu with my best friend and cousin Sue and it was quite an adventure.

Pamela, how i pray wherever you are that God blesses you abundantly. Your commitment for that long till your wedding day will never leave my memory. During those months that you sent an sms or called, i felt so proud. I had received a treatment partner who was like a sister to me. Not even my brother has ever been that good to me.  
I celebrate Pastor Jackson Musya in a special way. You came into my life and have not tired to encourage me yet have never met me. Please accept this gift of appreciation on behalf of all the facebook friends that have stood with me through thick and thin.
I love it when i have to show love to the vulnerable ones. I severally made calls for help to some of our sisters who were going through hardships and some face book friends without knowing me personally trusted me with their money through mpesa in response to the calls. Some of you even came from far away towns just to respond to the calls and help out a sister. Wambui has been grateful to date for becoming her friends at her time of need. However, Wambui is currently depressed after loosing her only adorable daughter who was HIV positive. As for Carol and Njeri, they passed on and may their souls rest in peace. 
On face book, you friends have been my support especially psychologically. Its through your comments that i feel your love. If it were not for you maybe going through my life would have been more difficult. 
I therefore call upon you to continue doing good you never know how much it means to that other person.  
And finally since i started this blog, i have my staunch readers. Thank you so much for the support. Be blessed.

Muthoni's slow recovery- There is light at the end of every tunnel

When we young, my mother used to do casual labor at neighboring farms. The experience was different from one neighbor to another as i always studied my mum's emotions after work. There are those women who really looked down on her, frustrated her or even verbally abused her. But there was this particular woman (Muthoni) who was exemplary. She would not only pay her in time but would share some goodies including her old clothes with her. 

Muthoni's husband works with the defense forces and from earlier days of their marriage, she lived an admirable life as a housewife. But Muthoni got led astray by her peers and she left her matrimonial home citing denial of conjugal rights by her husband. Muthoni was right. Her husband would take even an year away from home but would consistently send money home. When she left home, she went to my now famous town where she joined other single women in the business. The women introduced her to their usual night outs and Muthoni was excited having never experienced this kind of lifestyle. 

To cut the story short, Muthoni ended up contracting HIV and became too sick to being bedridden. Her friends avoided her for they felt she would ruin their business. Having been an orphan, the only home she would go back to was her husband's. Her friends dropped her at the home and spend off. The shock both at home and in the village was immense. Muthoni needed urgent medical attention otherwise she would die. Her one side of body had become paralyzed and she could not walk. 

She was rushed to the nearest district hospital where she received emergency treatment and from the doctor's examination, her body was in bad shape and required instant admission. She stuck in hospital for two long months and even when she left hospital, she wasn't healed but the husband had refused to pay her bills. She was brought home still with tubes from her bladder as she could not pee by herself. Its this time when news spread throughout the village and no one from the village wanted to be associated with her. But my mother was. She prepared Kev and they went to visit Muthoni and on her bedside they cried with her and encouraged her. 

It was this particular visit that Kev warned mum not to take him again to visit Muthoni. Kev was traumatized on seeing Muthoni in her bedridden state. Anytime he is told that mum is visiting Muthoni he hides so he is not told to accompany her.

Since Muthoni left hospital, her family and villagers have waited for her death but she has not died. Her husband has since remarried and were it not for her father in law, Muthoni would have been kicked out on the streets by her husband. Her father in law told the husband that the only wife he recognizes as part of his family is Muthoni. The husband has since moved Muthoni's cowife away from the home and bought her land elsewhere. He does not support Muthoni directly but supports Muthoni's son who in turn has been patient and helpful to the mother. Muthoni's last daughter who through the influence of her step mum hates her mum saying she broke their family.

Muthoni saw me last as a small girl but she was told by some group of women that i support people like her. She sent mum with a message that if  i find time, i should visit her. Last week i visited Muthoni and was glad to see her taking a few steps. She told me what makes her very happy is that she can visit the washroom all by herself. All i could tell her is that she was making steps to complete recovery. Before i left i noticed she was wearing a skirt i had bought for mum. The roles had been reversed, mum was the donor this time. 

As i left Muthoni's house, i noticed a nicely built house next to Muthoni's. Mum told me it belonged to Muthoni's co-wife. But mum had been encouraging Muthoni to believe that that house will eventually be hers. Muthoni's case really helped me learn the importance of disclosure. Mum has become my ambassador in the village visiting those who ail from her daughter's disease. The love she offers them is greatly influenced by what i tell her about myself. 

The prophets of doom have been awaiting Muthoni's death, but every day she is on the road to complete recovery. Her husband always asks whether she is still alive on phone. Her last words during my visit were; 'When you hear i visited your mum, know that i have recovered'. How i pray that God heals Muthoni completely so that the village would learn that only God can take away life at his chosen time and believe in my Kikuyu proverb that says " Kurwara muno ti gukua"(Being too sick doesn't mean you are going to die).

Trip to the Pearl of Africa- Kampala Uganda

I received an invitation to attend a regional seminar on reintegration of young girls who have been involved in sex work or sexual exploitation sometimes back last month. This came as a surprise not just to me but to my organization too. I was to go back to the pearl of Africa Uganda where i first went when i attended the international workshop on resource mobilization a year ago. 

 I had been booked to fly with air Uganda and come Monday, i was delayed due to traffic  but luckily i still managed to board the flight just before time for take off. This is a 50minutes flight to Kampala and by 3pm i had arrived. Surprisingly, here i got to meet other Kenyans who i had not met before but were attending the same regional seminar with me. During this particular time, we became brothers and sisters in foreign land though having come from different parts of Kenya.

The first day of the seminar was quite welcoming as we got to learn what Ugandans were doing in their rescue missions. It was interesting to conduct observations through the projects that we visited. Some projects just sounded unique from the presentation but observation gave a different story. One project however was amazing. A project that rescues young girls and boys from the streets, shelters them for a period of six months during which the young people go through a series of trainings, counseling including vocational training. This facilitates their rehabilitation and reintegration back to society. As we visited the projects, it was amazing to watch the countryside of the land of Museveni, to listen to the sweet voices of the people and just walk leisury. We went shopping in the afternoon and i was surprised that those shopping areas are just as overpopulated like our own Eastleigh, Githurai and Kayole. Its difficult to tell that you are in a different country because all Kenyan supermarkets, companies are there. Kariuki and Karuri are already making a kill in the land of thousands. I say in the land of the thousands because my Kenyan money quadrupled into thousands once i got there. I did not know the worth of my bob until it turned into 30UG shillings.  Anyway a few things here are way cheaper than Kenya and i left with a few of my favorite dresses.

I do not enjoy seating and listening to presentations, and Wednesday morning was really boring and i looked forward to going for the cultural dance event in the evening. Hmmmm i must say i it was awesome at Ndere centre with the young dancers of Uganda expressing themselves in dance. This is an event that happens every Wednesday here and it attracts very many tourists as well as locals. I think this is the most memorable event to me because i also had an opportunity to shake a bit too.

Thursday had been planned that we would be treated to a cocktail plus a visit to the source of the Nile. I never went to see the source of the Nile owing to my preference to go back to Nakasero for shopping. I ended up realizing that i did not have enough money to do as much shopping as i wanted and went back to my room to await my flight home.

This morning, i was awake by two am to allow time to prepare for my flight. Got ready and the driver who was to take us to the airport was too sleepy i thank God we safely got to the airport. 

Uganda, it was nice being there. You are hospitable people and am willing to come back anytime. For now got to be here, home as a mother, breadwinner and back to my daily work and challenges.

How long am i going to try for a baby?

I recently decided to obey my urge of wanting to have a baby girl. First it was to find the man who would sire me a baby. I thought one from a different country would be good as he would sire the baby but due to distance, wont bother me with wanting to see his daughter. But the man from another country had secretly guarded his marriage for he knows i would not want to have any business with a married man. I discovered just in time of his marriage and i cut links immediately and no amount of sorry would make me change my mind.

My other option was only my ex who we met on the net and have been friends for five years now. We broke up over the fact that we were from different hater tribes and that i was a mother to a boy. Though i did not take his reasons lightly, i decided to accept and move on. But he happens to be the only man i would want to have a baby with and not regret that i ever did it. 

So i decided to trap him. I already managed to do it for one month but last evening i realized i had not been successful and i am imagining that i will have to try again this month, next one and i dont know till when.  

Many may not approve of what i am doing,but i alone hold the driver's wheel of my life. Aging is catching up me. With my condition, getting a baby at a younger age poses lesser health risks. I must say that i have refused to settle down with many men who have wanted. I like to see someone in my future and if i cant see you there then i got to spend as little time as possible with you. The kind of man i want is ideal and therefore does not exist anywhere and i do not want to place my fragile heart on someone who does not understand. Other times i find myself at crossroads having to choose between my son Kev and a man where Kev obviously comes first. Oh i wasnt talking about a man here but my baby girl. 

My mother only had me as a daughter and i usually feel her when she says she wishes she had more daughters than sons because when the sons got married they abandoned her but am still there because she is the most important mother in the world. I want to feel the same. I want my daughter to grow and become beautiful like i am but i dont want her to go through what i went through. I want her to be born free of hiv and i hope it shall be so.

As for now, i hope my ex remains in my box without knowing what i am up to otherwise my dream may not come true if he happens to get wind of it.

My return visit for ART

Yesterday was my day that i was to go back for my comprehensive care appointment and for a refill for my anti retro viral drugs. This clinic nowadays is overflowing with clients and its only yesterday that i realized it also has a good number of young men. Previously i only happened to find older men and women and mothers carrying babies.

I arrived at the waiting bay at 9.30am and handed in my appointment card. The queuing began and i tell you while here nobody can tell you how long you gonna take warming the seats at the clinic. The plastic seats arent comfortable at all and with someone like me with a small sitting allowance, they did quite some injustice to my butts coz when i woke up they were aching.

From the reception when my name was called, we went to another all familiar waiting room to see the nurse who does the basics like taking weight, pressure, body temperature etc. Here another hour gone and i hadn't got in to see the nurse and the only thing that kept me busy was my phone. I love social media but my phone went off as i waited and i then had to keep busy reading everything on the walls.

I finally did get in to the nurse who did not even give me a smile. The process went faster than i expected in there and off i went to wait for the call to see the clinician. I was surprised when i entered the clinicians room and it was a man. Hmmmm i always like it when i have to chat with a man. Its more easier to share my issues than with a female doctor. Here i realised the clinician had already taken a glimpse of what was in my file and the first question was why my count was not stable. He read from the first count after starting ART to the most recent and he noted it was not appealing. He gave me a warning that i better take my drugs well or else. I dont like such scares. He also demanded that i use condoms anytime i have sex. I almost felt like he knew that i had not used a condom the last time i had had sex because my little head is still yearning for a baby girl. I told him that my counts may not have been consistent because at times they are taken when am on my menses. He laughed that off and told me to be serious and be adherent to my drugs.

He gave me my prescription and a lab test form and off i went. My next stop was the pharmacy. This time there were a few changes in this room. A drug consignment had just been delivered and drug cartons were everywhere. I did not see the famous dust bin where those that do not like the noisy bottles transfer their drugs into plastic papers. I am always in awe wondering how they know which drug is which in the name of hiding their prescription.

I left pharmacy off to the lab. First i was informed that the lab had been moved from the familiar territory to the new building. It was approaching lunch time and i was already feeling hunger pangs. I walked to the lab only to find the longest queue ever. Here, they do not just test those of us from the comprehensive care, its everybody who goes to the hospital and needs a test. I joined the queue and i was yawning after every minute and some friendly person told me to visit the cafe in the building if am feeling hungry. The meals here are definitely not pocket friendly to all clients and most had to endure the hunger despite the food smell that penetrated into the waiting bay. I sat and was served a plate of pilau and an overcooked chicken piece. I ate so hungrily i hope nobody was watching as i had not had any breakfast. 

My turn finally came and when i gave my hand to the lab technologist to draw blood, i couldn't help to feel how she kept on pricking me in the search of my vein. I persevered and finally the dreadful process of drawing my blood was over and pheew off i went home.

I do not miss going back for my clinic appointments. I hate the waiting bays. Although they give me an opportunity of knowing am not alone in carrying this monster called HIV, its never been fun waiting. Yesterday i saw some man with a book and another with a newspaper but even them the waiting was too long they still dozed. I do not wish to return and i hope the next time i return, its to collect my referral to a different clinic. Lucky me they gave me three months dose to allow me time to find a new clinic.

Hey Pauline where have you been?

Mark visited my office this morning. And his mission was to ask me why i stopped writing. I felt bad and decided to visit my blog. Life has not been easy for me since September and i have not been myself. I am just telling myself that i am just going through a phase. 

After September, i have had quite an experience at work. Remember telling you on September 19 i was going through anxiety? maybe i had a premonition of what was going to happen. Come 1st October i received a letter from the HR. It indicated a salary deduction citing low funding. But it also came with added responsibilities as my supervisor who had received the same kind of letter had decided to resign.

After the supervisor left, the organization boss called me to her office and was given instructions. As i sat there listening to her, i imagined what entailed the instructions she was giving. In this organization, the boss has the last word. Oh and i tell you she does not make decisions alone. She has a personal assistant who she is fond of calling 'Miguna'. This Miguna is the source of the sack letters, salary deduction letters that have affected the lives of staff who have been working here in the last decade. She is always said to add salt whenever boss decides a certain staff must go.

They say you should not spill the beans of the hand that has fed you for years, but that is not what i am doing here, i am confessing. When i went to bed that night after receiving instructions, i felt how unfair it was for my supervisor to have left me all alone. She has not actually been like a boss to me.She has been a colleague and we share a lot in common including a name. She is the one who helps me out with my Anti retro viral therapy problems like when i cant swallow the bitter pills she exchanges her coated ones with mine. She has been like a sister to me. 

The next morning i came to the office very early and wrote a letter to the HR declining the salary deduction notice and of course citing my reasons. I also declined responsibilities that my supervisor was doing. The miracle that happened was that my Supervisor is back. I felt excited over this. 

I am happy for now, but the letter came with a wake up call. I have overstayed here and got to move out before i am handed another letter and you dont have to guess a dismissal one. All i am praying that getting somewhere else comes first because i wouldn't imagine the personal assistants smile while handing me a letter of dismissal.

I must admit i have been suffering from general anxiety disorder

Since August, i have been having worries which i do not understand where from. Come September, more worries especially related  to my work. 

September is the month i was born and the realization that i am not growing younger is giving me sleepless nights. I have been having problems sleeping, been feeling uneasy, have been having muscle tension and my usual nausea and generalized lack of appetite.

Kev went back to school at the beginning of September. Since my boy left I have been feeling lonelier lately yet i have been single and living alone for the last six or more years. I wonder what could be happening or those who have passed through my age can help unravel this mystery.

 I recently held a meeting with a senior advisor/consultant with an international organization and during our discussion, he inquired how many years i worked here. I told him four though i knew it was more than four. Surprised he was and he told me i needed to move for more growth and exposure. The other thing we discussed was my education. He told me if i wonna remain competitive and relevant in my field i have to consider enrolling for a masters degree. The third discussion was about me and motherhood. Kev is now eleven and i am yet to have a second born. He told me jokingly that he would offer himself to be a dad to my second born. Hmmmm  i took his first and second advise very seriously. Lately though i have been having this urge to have  a daughter. Of course i could not share with him that i have been having this urge lest he finds an opportunity to pester me. 

Several changes have happened at work.Some major contracts are coming to an end this year, and though with hopes of renewal, its definitely gonna be shaky in the next few months. Bearing in mind the financial implications to the organization, the effects are going to be felt by each individual personnel. 

The worst nightmare in this our beloved country is job search. Though done a few applications here and there, i am yet to receive any invitation for interview. Its this fear of the unknown that has brought all this anxiety into my life. Unfortunately since i dont know how to deal with it, i have kept away from friends, my blog, and have not been myself. This morning, i was called and asked why i did not attend a meeting that i had been sent. I sincerely did not have an answer simply because i forgot. My memory has also been affected. I wonna be out of this anxiety soonest. I dont wonna get to Chrismas like this. I think i can only turn to the almighty for divine intervention

Kev on holiday

I am sure you  must have been wondering where i have been but dont you  wonder anymore because i have been here. Been busy trying to be the best mother in the world for Kev who is on school holiday. The experience has been amazing and so far i can say i am enjoying every bit of it.

I picked Kev on August 3rd from school and again he was surprised that it was his mother and not his granny who came to pick him up. The next day we traveled to my house where i live alone and with my new occupant, i have had to accommodate Kev who has now completely taken over the remote. My house which is ever neat has changed and is usually in a mess since Kev uses all ways he deems comfortable to watch his favorite cartoons. I sometimes find him lying on the carpet reading his books and at the same time with the cartoon on and wonder whether he is multitasking or what. 

Kev is always alone on weekdays as i have to go to work. To make sure he gives himself  a break from the cartoons, i don't leave him food in the house so that he can go out and have food and at least familiarize himself with the neighborhood as well. The junk lover obviously eats junk whenever he goes out for lunch. I do not discourage him because its just a short time and again he will be back to school. The other reason why i do not force him on any food is because he has severally refused to eat food that i have cooked and i have ended up having it myself. He does not give any reasons nor does he say he wont have the food prior to its being prepared. He just ignores it when its on the plate and continues with his hobby. 

In this neighborhood, i have two friends who i can turn to in case of anything. So recently i decide to introduce Kev to them. We visited a lady first and Kev was eager to know her. Wait till we visited a man. I had told him the reason for our visit owing to the fact that i always leave him alone in the house and these two friends who live around can rush to check on him whenever he is alone in the house. On entering the man's house, Kev refused to even greet my friend and as if that was not enough walked out. My friend complained and warned that i risked not getting a man due to Kev's behavior. We got no relationship with the man though single because when i disclosed my status to him, he said a relationship with me is impossible. We however have continued to be friends and he often supports me checking on my house whenever am away.

Am trying to be friends to this boy who i have not been close to for many years since he was two years when i left him with my mother. Its my mother whom he sees as a confidant more than me. He feels free with her since she has seen him grow in his young years. I must say mum has been my angel. Though most of his life is spent in school, i try to be with him while he is on holiday to make sure we share our life together as it should have been from the beginning. 

This is the second time i am having Kev alone. In all other previous periods, his granny had to accompany him whenever he was on holiday. I always felt it was not safe to leave him alone and my mother insisted that he was too young to be alone. When they are together they are an army. When they gang up against me i got to do what they want. But lucky me now he is grown. Boarding school has really helped.

Yesterday, he told me so angrily that i promised to buy him a bicycle. But i had to explain that since he is yet to attain the mean score that i want, then he cannot have a bicycle. We also discussed about relationships and he told me he does not have any kind of friendship with girls. In school which is mixed, he does not have a friend who is a girl. When i asked him why he changed the subject. Hmmm my son is grown into a man.

The "little" embarrasments that Kev has put me through

Since Kev joined boarding school, i have visited him every first Sunday of the consequent month after holidays. That means i have visited him four times now. My boy is amazing he makes me feel special everyday. He is my life and the tears i see in him any time i appear are a true testimony that he truly loves his mother. The last time i went he told me that i had to see all his teachers and i could see the pride he had introducing me to his them.

In my village, electricity is a luxury. In fact i myself used 'koroboi' that parrafin 'jua kali' made container that we called lamp. The luxury of a paraffin lamp i only saw at the neighbors. However Kev's life is different because at least his mother can afford what granny could not those days of my childhood. But Kev has embarrassed his mother not once. I never saw the need of buying a TV set since we never had electricity anyway. But Kev would disappear into the neighbors only for my mother to call me everyday that she has to walk in the dark to literally remove him from the neighbors.

It reached a point i couldn't take it anymore and i had to buy him a TV. Never mind my struggles. He finally had the TV but the most hurting thing was that once the TV was in the house, he lost interest. He never wanted to watch TV with granny and he would sleep early saying he is tired of homework.

Now back to his school visits. During the last visiting day, the bag that i carried food dishes in happened to get torn on my way there. On telling him it did, he started the nagging that i am now used to. "Mum now see its because you don't have your own car that you go through all this. What has kept you all this time from buying a car yet i always pray for you everyday?" Of course i told him all that i was going through at the time that made me not be able to acquire a car.

But wait until his best friend was visited and guess what i felt so embarrassed when he literally pulled me to see his friends mum's car. So i had to say hi to the lady and of course start a conversation about the two boys and their performance. Kev you challenge me a lot its because of you that i am able to work hard and achieve what makes you proud. I am hoping that someday soon mum will drive to your school.

So i thought i was alone and went this afternoon to discuss with my friend Symo about Kev's embarrassment at school. He is a father of boys and so i thought he would understand and at least give me some hope. What he told me made me feel parents of boy children need to be extra hardworking. Symo lives in the suburbs. He in fact had a car but sold it to pay his wife's medical bills. Symo happens to be the only one in his neighborhood without a car. Luckily for him, neighbors offer him lifts freely to him and his children whenever they need to be dropped somewhere and in particular at church.

He told me that once his children are ready for church, they usually run to the neighbors car even before the neighbors children. But that had not bothered him until an incident that happened on Sunday. There is this elderly lady neighbor who drives a big car. He says she has grown fond of him and sometimes actually comes early to wait for them to go to church together. But she insists that Symo must sit on the front seat. So last Sunday, Symo was called to a church development meeting and therefore had to be left as the rest of the family went back home. His wife went direct to the front seat but the elderly lady refused to let her sit there. She told her that the only person she allows to sit there is Symo.

When Symo got home, the wife was so furious. He was given an ultimatum that come January they must have a family car otherwise she will prefer to walk to church till they get their own car to avoid such embarrassment.

Symo and I are in the same dilemma. We have to have a car not because its a priority as per se, but because of boy demand. The only nightmare is how on earth are we going to meet the demand yet too financially constraint at the moment? I hope Kev will understand next time i go without. I am planning to tell him that i have started saving for a car and since a car is expensive we will have to wait a little bit longer. Oh dear if he was a GIRL would i always be challenged like this? Sometimes back we went to buy a wheelbarrow as i am doing some construction and the boy shouted at me" Mum that wheelbarrow isn't good quality, lets buy a juakali one" Hey i wondered how does a ten year old understand quality? or is it I who is still thinking that my boy is still a toddler?

The agony of a mother who has lost her children and her menses too!

This morning i received a visitor. She wanted to see me and on asking her where she lives, i realized she lives in my neighborhood. Maggie was one of those who had been chosen among many to share her story with me by her group. I sat to listen to her.

From her looks and confidence, you cant tell her agony unless she shares. This confidence she told me has been gained from attending support groups and knowing that she is not alone and the fact that she believes in God. She in fact told me that her Sundays are dedicated to church and she does not accept anyone to visit her on that day.

Maggie's first born died at 11 years after a pneumonia attack. Her second born followed suit dying before he hit two years from diarrhea. All this time Maggie did not know what was ailing her nor her children and later led to their premature deaths. After the two children died, Maggie's health deteriorated. In fact, while she was mourning her second born, she bled continuously for two weeks.It was after this continuous bleeding stopped that she has not received her periods in the last ten years.

This year, Maggie started feeling pain in her womb and when she was rushed to hospital, a certain procedure was done. Maggie is not literate enough to understand what she could have been ailing from and so i could not really tell what the procedure was all about. But she told me that after that procedure, she had greenish discharge for weeks and now she feels better.

Maggie who is only thirty eight years old lives with two of her niece's children who passed on too as a result of HIV complications. Many however know that those are not her children as they call her granny. But her agony is the fact that people tend to brand her as a barren woman while she knows very well that her own children died. She wishes she knew the existence of the monster HIV then because most probably she would have saved her children. She would like to have children but how when she has not had menstruation for ten years? She tells me that doctors give her hope that one day she will have a baby. But how and when is what bothers her so much. The fact that she is now approaching 40 is really scaring her a lot and slowly killing her hopes of ever having another child. She wishes she would scream to everyone that she is not barren and that sometime in her life she enjoyed bringing up her own children. 

As a parting shot, maggie said, "i am only 38, may not have had menses for the last ten years but i have hope that some day i will prove to all the doom-Sayers that am not barren. I will give birth to my third child". With this i cried, i saw resilience in a woman who has gone through so much agony. I could only give her hope as her doctors do, that one day she will hold her baby in her hands!

Sexual violence- My experience

The findings from the 2010 Kenya Violence against Children Study indicate that violence against children is a serious problem in Kenya. Levels of violence prior to age 18 as reported by 18 to 24 year olds (lifetime experiences) indicate that during childhood: 32% of females and 18% of males experience sexual violence. Females aged 18 to 24 who reported experiencing sexual violence in childhood were significantly more likely to report feelings of anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts and fair/poor health than those females who did not experience sexual violence. I concur with these statistics.

I have been pondering over sharing my experiences of sexual abuse in this forum for a long time now since i started this blog. I have finally gained the courage if only this will help someone who went through the same or to deter anyone from hurting a child. The trauma that results from sexual violence lasts for a life time. An abused child/woman is most likely to be abused again. Healing from this kind of trauma is the hardest journey i have had to go through.

I was sexually defiled in 1996 by a stranger. I was only 15 then and in form 2. My mum and i used to work in the forest where we used to be hired for casual labour. Our work was to harvest potatoes and we would be transported in big lorries as many women as possible. This was the only means to get school fees and food then and i did not have a choice. So this day mum did not make to the forest as she was feeling unwell and i accompanied other girls from the neighborhood. We got to work and unfortunately this day we could not find transport back home. These are my worst memories that i have never shared with anyone and its my first time i am doing so now. Often i find myself crying only to realize that i have never healed from this.  The man who had hired us became our Savior in pretense. He offered to find us a place to sleep and being in the forest, we had no option but to let him. He had other motive though and out of the three girls he found a place to sleep, he insisted i be one of them. The only thing i can report is that inside that forest that night, he defiled me. He had ensured that he found me a place to sleep alone and he assured me that i would be safe. I had never felt so much pain, fought so much with someone who finally overpowered me but that left me a scared and a traumatized girl. At this age, i had not experienced puberty as i experienced it very late in my adolescence at age 17. If i had, most probably that bastard would have impregnated me.

I hope my brothers will get to read this memoir someday. They will finally know why i have been so bitter with them. They were older, working and they never supported neither mum or i. I remember one day when i did not have fare to go to school. I went from one brother to another and none gave me the little transport money i needed. I did not know what to do next. In protest, i asked for a lift from a driver i knew who took me to Nyeri town and left me there. I had resorted to come here and find my uncle who would help me with fare. I found my uncle in a bar where he drunk until 11pm where i waited freezing with cold. He then drove me to his home in his car. On reaching there, his wife was not in and he forced me to have sex with him with the threat of shooting me if i refused. This was my first time to see a gun and i felt so scared.These two men one of which was a relative had taken advantage of my innocence.I hated the world.

These experiences are what changed my life. Every time Kev's dad wanted to have sex with me, i would resist and this would degenerate into a fight. Its actually now that i try to relate these horror experiences with how i got HIV. James had to force me to have sex with him as it was never at will. 
How about my hatred for men? Hmmmm now you know. Any man who disguises himself to love me in the name of sex is lying to himself. I hate sex as an act and have developed a very bad attitude to it. I have killed many relationships as a result as anytime a man asks me for sex, he does not see me again. If he insists i usually seem like i have ever done karate lessons. I am usually very defensive. 
This is what has led to my accepting the fact that i might end up living alone as a single mother as there are very few men who would understand me. Its very rare to find a man who is patient. Anyway i thank God that finally he gave me the courage to confess.

I finally got the opportunity to meet the women CEO's in my admiration list

Dreams always come true to those who are patient and daring to dream. In my pursuant of my dream as a Chief executive of an organization there are those women i have admired to interact with and learn their way of leadership and governance. At first its very difficult to approach them because of their position and commitments and again, there is that little fear that this 'big' person may not have time for me.

 I remember the day i traveled all the way from Eldoret to meet my mentor Asunta Wagura. I was so prepared for anything. I had a very hard time accessing her office because then all visitors were at the receptionist's mercy to see the boss. Luckily for me, i had known the then youth officer at her office and i first went to see her. We talked at length where she encouraged me a lot then sent me to see her boss. I had waited for this day for so long and couldn't wait to see Asunta. On speaking to the receptionist, she first told me that Asunta was not in. When i told her that the youth officer had informed me that Asunta was in her office, she then told me to have a seat. I waited while other people came,ushered in and i was not given a chance. The youth officer happened to pass by the reception on her way to the washrooms and on finding me there one hour later, she quarreled the receptionist. This gave me the lifetime opportunity to finally meet my role model.I had read so much about Asunta and all i wanted was to see her physically and that was enough for my emotional fulfillment. I had always wondered how she afforded to live a normal life amidst all odds. When i finally met her, i was amazed. There was so much similarity between her and me. I promised myself that just as she made it i would also beat the odds. In my climbing up the ladder i have been lucky to attend meetings with CEO's and i find nothing extraordinary about them. Its just that they are confident and believe in themselves.  

I always saw her in my dream car, met her in meetings where it was difficult to reach her but oh how lucky i was this week that we have spent almost a whole week with her. She is the CEO of an organization that champions the rights of sex workers. I have admired her as a woman, CEO and everything. I feel so proud that i finally managed to have a lengthy talk with her. And guess what i just found out that we got similar goals and motivations. She is a single mother of one just like i am. And what perplexed me more was that all the time she saw me she has admired my size and body shape. She actually told me she has always wanted to know how i am able to maintain my waistline. So the woman i have been fearing to approach also had something she needed to know from me? Hmmmm i feel so excited today. 

To all the ladies out there, you can be whatever or whoever you want to be. The power is in you. For these women above, they have not depended on men and they dared to dream and they have actualized their dreams. Same here, i do not believe that a man will make me own my own house, car or PHD. The power to acquire all these is within me.

Sams Struggle with illness

I received a strange call last evening. It was from Sam. I first met Sam in 2003 and because of what he had been going through health-wise, i was always concerned on how he was doing. We worked together for sometime and every time every one else was against him at the office, i would support him. I had come to learn him as a man who was bitter with life and therefore i kind of understood why he was not in good terms with everyone. Nobody tried to understand him. I became close to him and let him share all his frustrations and challenges with me.

 Sam was diagnosed with a brain tumor as a small boy. He was the favorite of his father then who did everything possible to ensure he accessed treatment. His father then was a rich man capable of supporting his family. Unfortunately, Sam lost his father before he could even finish Secondary school and his tribulations began. His own mother disowned him. While in college, he fell sick this time with meningitis that led him to be in a comma for one and a half months. The result was that when he came out of the comma, he was healed but his sight was impaired. 

The fact that he had impaired sight is what led to everyone making fun of him at the office. He was never able to control his anger. But i would help him cross the roads and support him in editing his work. Its while we were working with him that he developed gastric ulcers and he would vomit blood. They were so bad that he was in and out of hospital.

Sam called me last night from a hospital bed at Nyeri Provincial general hospital. This time, its stroke and he has been on this hospital bed for three weeks. He told me that during the period he has been on that bed, twelve men have died. He has used this time to think about his life and he now has chosen to give his life to Jesus. He claimed that what made him know that he is well is that he was able to recall my phone number. He asked me whether i got married and if not he wants to marry me. He thinks that i am the best woman to help him now because as he claimed i understood him more than anyone else.Sam does not know that i am not the same girl he was working with in 2003. I have changed a lot, have HIV and i wouldn't want to burden him with my issues when he already has too much to bear. That time i could bear his anger but today i have also become irritable maybe due to having HIV.

How i wish that Sam will find a woman who will love him and start a family with.

Child Labour or Responsibility?

When i met Susan, i could not tell her age. She is small in size and smiles a lot. Susan is 14 years old but looks 8. However you can tell she is 14 from her talking. Susan is in class four while other children her age are in Secondary school form one. She lives with her mother in the slums of Kiambiu.

Every morning, her mother wakes up early and leaves Susan with their three months old twin sisters. Its during the teachers strike and the mother is extremely happy that Susan is at home to take care of her siblings. This gives her room to be able to run her grocery where she is even at night. 

Susan is left with tins of formula milk and ten shillings for her lunch. She does not have a choice but to do her job well and she is really proud of herself. To Susan she is helping her mum. Interestingly on interviewing Susan, the only complaint she had was that what she bought with the ten bob was not enough and therefore she is always hungry. But that is not what caught my eye. Its the way Susan mixed the formula milk with water. Its not hygienic at all. To make matters more complicated, i was informed that Susan is living with HIV. Ooooh could be the reason why she is in class four ad small in size. Its so risky to let a child feed her sisters. But the mother doesn't seem to care. Its my hope that Susan's twin sisters will be safe from HIV but from this kind of care, they might just not escape.

When i was Susan's age i took care of my brother but for my mum, school work came first. I never missed school unless sent away for school fees. My mother knew her responsibilities well. Why do mothers burden their children with their own responsibilities? Why should you burden your daughter with baby sitting when they are supposed to be in school or in the play field? 

Oh parents of today oh!

Pediatric HIV, How early is too early to disclose?

Statistics from the WHO show that across the world there are approximately 1.3 million children under the age of 15 living with HIV. These children will need anti-retro viral therapy and medical care for their entire lives to stay healthy. However, many of these kids don’t even know they have HIV.

Early disclosure of HIV to children has various benefits including increased medication adherence, psychosocial development, decrease anxiety and depression and generally reduce mortality rate. Its better to disclose to children their HIV positive status before they become teens to avoid the complexities of adolescence. From the communities i work with those that disclosed to their children earlier do not experience as many challenges with their children as compared to those that disclose during adolescence. Its advisable to disclose to the child as early as possible because as you buy time,the child might just get the information from another source which will complicate issues.

Take for example Sam from the Mathare slums in Nairobi. He is 13 years old and in class seven. Since class four, he has been learning in school about the dreaded killer disease AIDS. The teacher has been emphasizing that they should be careful and not have sex because they would be in danger of contracting HIV that leads to having AIDS then death. Sam was born with HIV but did not know about it till last month. He has been taking his medication religiously till he got to know why he had been on medication all this while. The most unfortunate thing was that Sam got the news from friends and confronted the mother about it. The mother took him to the comprehensive care center and with the help of a pediatric nurse, they confirmed that it was indeed true that he had the virus.  

Sam's mother felt that Sam was still young and therefore was buying time but had plans to disclose to Sam once he finished primary school. She did not want to interfere with his studies. But that was never to be and now Sam is blaming her for sleeping around and then transmitting the virus to him. Since Sam knew about it last month, he has refused to take his ARVs and accuses his parents of infecting him. His mother has been crying through out this one month that Sam has changed into a hard nut. She has invited counselors, other children living with HIV and older ones too but Sam is still quiet. He does not talk to anyone nor does he want to take the meds. He listens to those who talk to him and you can clearly tell that he is not listening or he just don't care. 

Know of anyone who is buying time to disclose to their children of their status? Run and advise them to do it before adolescence hits. Its complicated!

When will stigma end for it to be easier to mingle?

The process of finding a husband while HIV positive is such an uphill task especially here in Kenya. The HIV epidemic is so feminized with 60% of those infected being women. Men who are HIV positive are hardly available and those that are there are either taken or are dating more than one woman. Men stifle their feelings and most choose to die with the secret and mostly end up engaging in substance abuse to escape from the reality. On the other hand, men who are HIV positive have a thing in common i tend to believe or is it women am not sure, they carry so much baggage. I have tried dating a few and some of them its like HIV confused them and they do not know exactly what they want. 

The last relationship i had i thought it was to be forever. The guy had everything i was looking for in a man and what he didn't i had chosen to ignore. I actually dreamt of our life together. However, it was never to be. Just because i was a mother of a boy and he did not like my tribe, he used that against me and told me that he had never loved me from the beginning. I could not tell why he claimed so yet we had been in this relationship for more than two years. At two years, i obviously had started wondering why he was not saying anything about our future and therefore pestered him and that's when he threw the towel. He had wasted my two years, yet i am growing older. I was so mad i could not imagine loosing him to another woman. I used to talk to him a lot and to make sure i did give up on him, he told me he had found the right woman who came from his tribe. So i was not the right woman all this time? I stopped talking to him and i finally let go. Up to now i have not been able to date again. The fact that he was seeing me and seeing that other woman at the same time hurt me a lot. I hope he isn't going to waste another woman's time.

This afternoon, we were visiting a colleague in hospital. As we waited, a friend appeared and she was excited to see us. She was yearning to talk. We used to attend the same support group three years ago and we have not talked for long. After exchanging the usual greetings she was quick to narrate her pain in just a few minutes. Esther got into a fight with her former boyfriend who they were planning a wedding together. He had already met her parents and had been given permission to go ahead with the wedding plans. But before then, she noticed that he had deleted all phone numbers of male friends including cousins from her phone. On asking him, a fight ensued. The matter reached her mother who demanded that everything he had taken to her home be returned immediately. The guy hurried and married. He then ensured that he sent photos of his current relationship including the baby to her email. So she asks wouldn't he leave her in peace if he is happily married? Not only is that enough, he has also started sending messages that he still loves her.  

I cant wait for that time when women living with HIV will just be like those living with other terminal illnesses. That time when there will be no stigma and dating HIV negative men will be easier. I have seen many take off once i mentioned HIV and i gave up disclosing. The process of disclosure is not easy and just when i have got courage to say it, the man takes off. For those that have not taken off and are still friends, i feel terrible that HIV is the only thing that keeps me from having a lasting relationship; or do i say they are not courageous or loving enough to take the risk? Take for example Simon, he is such a good man but since he knew my status we are just friends. We share a lot including preparing dinner at each others houses but its just that. I am here still waiting for the right one and the clock is ticking. At my age, some have given up but as Pauline i am not giving up. I believe he is somewhere and he will be better than all i have met. I will ask him where he has been all this time. 
 

How will Kev handle the knowledge of his mother's HIV status?

Yesterday i visited Kev at school. I was among the first parents to arrive. This time i had woken up early to ensure i arrive as early as possible. The last time i visited he cried so much that i am a mother who always arrive late. He actually refused to eat the food i had taken so much time to prepare only to allow those that had joined me to visit him have all of it. So yesterday i ensured am alone with him for like an hour before everyone else arrived. Once he saw me, he came running to me screaming ''muuuuuum'. He was full of excitement and on seeing what he likes most; junk food, he was over excited. I let him have as much as he could. I allowed him to narrate to me how school had been including teachers and classmates, his trip earlier to Menengai crater, his need for more pocket money etc. I could see a boy who is so proud of his mother. 

As i traveled back to Nairobi, it got me thinking. Kev does not know my biggest secret. He is the reason why i am Pauline and not my real name here. Some day he will know, how will he take it? Will he judge his mother? I got HIV after i had already separated with his father, will he judge me after knowing that i had sexual relations with another man other than his father? What if he knew that i had engaged myself sexually with an older man? Will he believe me that i did it so that him and i can have a brighter future? Will he think that i am dying and that he might be left an orphan? Will he stop loving me as his mother? Will he forgive me? ........ These are the questions that bother me so much anytime i think of letting the cat out of the bag.

Kev is growing so fast and sooner than later, he will need to know the truth. As his mother this sometimes makes me have sleepless nights. I would not want anyone other than me to tell him about it. For now i want him to have the best. All that i could not get at his age i try my best to provide. He is my reason for living and so my priority in this world.

I noted Kev has added weight. His skin is very smooth and i can finally see what a handsome young man i am bringing up. In addition, all teachers praised him of his discipline, his good work as the class prefect and his continued improved performance. I could not help cry last night as i thought so much of him and I. Its my hope that we shall remain as best of friends and with love even when he discovers the reason why i have to be on lifelong medication.

I hate this Ugly mark on my Chest

In 2009, i woke up one day with two pimples. By the second day they were all over my body. They were painful and i also had high fever. I dreaded how i looked. I would still go to the office since i never wanted to be alone in the house. My colleagues were very supportive and i remember how i would remove all my clothes and the office nurse would apply calamine over my whole body. This went on until i was healed and the ugly marks that were left on my body slowly faded with time. 

The week earlier i had attended to mama Prince who had herpes zoster(shingles). She had come to my office so sick and I did not know that if an adult or child has direct contact with the shingles rash and did not have chickenpox as a child or a chickenpox vaccine, they can develop chickenpox, not shingles. Its when i was going through some documents later that i learnt this.

All except one pimple faded with time.  The pimple that exists to date was the first to appear. The worst thing is that the pimple is larger now and its no longer looks like a pimple but something ugly. I was blessed with very smooth skin but this intruder sometimes makes me feel ugly. I sometimes want to wear a low neck dress with a small chain but the need to hide the ugly pimple overwhelms me. My unanswered question sometimes is why it had to appear on the chest. Its usually impossible to hide and you can imagine the look i give to anyone who dares ask me about it. Whenever i look at the mirror, its a constant reminder that i have HIV and not just that, that this virus called varicella-zoster is within me and has gone to hibernation and can appear any time my immunity goes down. 

Shingles is more common in people with a poor immune system (immune-suppression). Shingles commonly occurs in younger people who have HIV/AIDS or whose immune system is suppressed with treatment such as steroids or chemotherapy. Mercy lost her one eye when zoster struck her one side on the face. For Cyrus, it had struck on his right leg right at the ankle. Being a driver, it was so uncomfortable and he had to remove his shoes while on the road. Cyrus however denied having HIV and died sometimes back after an pneumonia attack. 

If you have never tested for HIV and shingles appears, its important to do a HIV test!

Tribute to Baby Victoria

Yesterday i happened to leave my phone in the office and this consequently led to my waking up late since i did not hear my usual alarm. I therefore did not make it to see mama Victor in hospital as i have been doing since she delivered baby Victoria on Sunday. I had visited her yesterday in the morning and i was confident that her and the baby would be released to go home in the course of the day.

Baby Victoria was born weighing 2.3 kgs, one month earlier than the scheduled date. That Sunday mother was so happy and she invited her friends to join in her joy. I hurried to be at the hospital before six pm and with me i carried some clothes for the baby. 

I found mother and baby and friends and my turn came to hold the baby. She was so lovely and since any time she breast fed she threw up, (the vomiting started soon after birth) i helped change the baby. We later left the hospital as it was getting late. The next morning i woke up and took another change of baby clothes. 

Baby Victoria was taken to the Nursery on the third day after she was found to have jaundice and dehydration. The vomiting had continued all this time and this is what led to her being dehydrated.  She was in the nursery until last night when the mother was informed that she had passed on. I received the news this morning. Baby Victoria had passed so soon. I couldn't help but cry.

To baby Victoria, i had grown to love you soon after you were born. Unknown to you, you had ignited the desire in me to have a baby girl. Just yesterday, i shared to the world how i felt over having yet another child as a mother. The clothes you looked so beautiful in were part of the baby clothes in my wardrobe that i have kept in faith that i shall have a baby girl someday. In fact they were the last bunch since i always find myself giving out the clothes to friends who give birth before me. Mercy who is now three was the first to have a share. How i would have wished to see you grow, start smiling and even go to school but since God loved you more, i have accepted his will. Two of my friends who have lost a baby have got twins in the consecutive  pregnancy. I pray that your mother shall be blessed again. Wherever you are i would like you to know that your mother has been very sad. She cried until her eyes were so swollen. On seeing her i felt tears too and was unable to go closer in case i cried in front of that big crowd that was there at the hospital. You shall remain in our hearts dearest, May your young soul rest in peace.

Do i really want another baby without the care of a daddy?

When HIV struck in 2006, my hopes for ever having another baby were crashed. I hated men onwards and having sex became history to me. Any man i met and felt he was going that direction too fast, i would go quiet and quit. This happens even today. I am one of those women that believe that sex should be the last thing to talk about in a relationship. When a man begins with it, then he can be assured that he isn't seeing me one more time. This i maybe corrected by many and i must admit it has been the cause of my being single since i refuse to entertain anyone who wants to bring my pants down.When i got my first job, news of new-borns were not so frequent within our circles. Infact, death news were more frequent. My heart would crash once i heard of passing on of a person i knew so well and their struggle with HIV. Some of these memories i hate to remember. 

In the month of April, my mentor Asunta gave birth to twins. This was the third time she was having a baby while i knew her personally. Hmmm the babies are lovely. She has beaten all the odds to have her family of five sons. She was not alone, other two friends have gotten babies and most adorable girls. One i just peeped at her inside a nursery this morning. She was born on Sunday.

For sometime now i have been having this overwhelming desire for a baby girl. Its eleven years since i held my newborn and now have forgotten even how to hold one. What i am not sure about is how to make sure she comes out a girl. When i talked to Asunta and read her diary, i could feel her desire for a baby girl. But she ended up giving up after the twin boys.

My mind wants a girl yes but i have to consider what i have gone through with Kev without a father. Is that what i want for my girl? Still thinking. I have goggled all ways to get a baby without having to go through sex and i found its not so expensive and with about 50K i would be able to conceive. Still not conclusive on this.

My mother desired to have girls, but she only managed to have me. I have not been happy alone but at least i have her. In my Kikuyu tradition, i should name my girl after my mum. This is what i want so much. I hold mum so dear to me and i really need to take care of her as she did to me.

So far, the only thing i am sure about is that i desire to have a baby girl. But how to get there is what i am not sure about. I know i will follow doctors instructions to the latter to ensure baby Wambui comes out free of HIV. I am waiting. It will be so exciting to feel pregnant. 

Hey there! isn't it good for a single girl to dream during the day at times?

Got a bed to sleep on? Count your blessings

Nairobi,Kenya has the largest slum in Africa, Kibera. Other slums include Mathare, Korogocho, Mukuru kwa Reuben and Kwa Njenga and Kiambiu among others. The fact is that the highest number of Nairobians live in these informal settlements. Its here that my first job took me and i appreciate very much for i would never have appreciated or counted my blessings. The living conditions here are deplorable. Families live in dilapidated houses and they still pay rent.But there is a group of people who cannot afford the monthly rent. I am not talking about street families. But young women who would wish to live a decent life but because of the harsh conditions in this city, cannot afford to rent a room. 

My work involves lots of referrals and recently i received a distress call from a friend. I could tell that my friend was touched by the story shared to him by a young woman who had gone to him for help. Since he could not help, he referred the young woman to me. 

Aisha is a mother of one. When she tested HIV positive while pregnant with her baby, her nightmare began. She is a muslim and HIV is not a subject that should be tolerated in her family. She was chased out of their family and did not have anywhere to go.

Aisha's daughter is HIV positive too as when she was chased of her only known home, she was not able to take good care of her daughter who in the process became HIV positive. Before going to see my friend, she had been kicked out of the only abode she had known since she was chased out of her home. This is an abode where many people sleep in one hall. The cost for sleeping here per night is Kshs 50 and this is the amount she had not paid for a week and when it accumulated to 350, the lard lord could not let her in. 

The hall has got no beds nor mattresses. Anyone who has to spend a night here has to carry his/her own clothes to sleep on. All have to spread their bedding and share space on the cold cemented floor which is a business both in day and night. Anyone is allowed to sleep here and therefore the hall is obviously not safe for women who are often raped by the men who rent the same sleeping space. The hall has no provision for a toilet or bathroom. The occupants have to sort themselves on these matters. For a woman who has a baby, the conditions are worse. Talk of food, clothes the basics and these women do not even own a bag to carry any of their belongings. 

Aisha and her daughter had been living in this kind of life for three months. She says the nights she spent here were the longest in her life. Its not possible to sleep here as you must guard yourself from being raped so you are forced to stay awake. This affects anything one tries to do during the day.

Today Aisha is finally in her own room. We were able to mobilize friends to pay her one month rent and some seed fund for business so she does not go back to this life. But Aisha left many other women here. Women like her who nobody seems to care about.

I count my blessing today for having my one roomed house where i am able to pay my own rent. Its in this house where i feel comfortable and can do anything i feel like without any fear of anything. Yes at least am assured i am secure and therefore i sleep like a small baby. But my heart goes out to these women and especially young mothers; that someday a well wisher shall rescue them just like we rescued Aisha.