When will stigma end for it to be easier to mingle?

The process of finding a husband while HIV positive is such an uphill task especially here in Kenya. The HIV epidemic is so feminized with 60% of those infected being women. Men who are HIV positive are hardly available and those that are there are either taken or are dating more than one woman. Men stifle their feelings and most choose to die with the secret and mostly end up engaging in substance abuse to escape from the reality. On the other hand, men who are HIV positive have a thing in common i tend to believe or is it women am not sure, they carry so much baggage. I have tried dating a few and some of them its like HIV confused them and they do not know exactly what they want. 

The last relationship i had i thought it was to be forever. The guy had everything i was looking for in a man and what he didn't i had chosen to ignore. I actually dreamt of our life together. However, it was never to be. Just because i was a mother of a boy and he did not like my tribe, he used that against me and told me that he had never loved me from the beginning. I could not tell why he claimed so yet we had been in this relationship for more than two years. At two years, i obviously had started wondering why he was not saying anything about our future and therefore pestered him and that's when he threw the towel. He had wasted my two years, yet i am growing older. I was so mad i could not imagine loosing him to another woman. I used to talk to him a lot and to make sure i did give up on him, he told me he had found the right woman who came from his tribe. So i was not the right woman all this time? I stopped talking to him and i finally let go. Up to now i have not been able to date again. The fact that he was seeing me and seeing that other woman at the same time hurt me a lot. I hope he isn't going to waste another woman's time.

This afternoon, we were visiting a colleague in hospital. As we waited, a friend appeared and she was excited to see us. She was yearning to talk. We used to attend the same support group three years ago and we have not talked for long. After exchanging the usual greetings she was quick to narrate her pain in just a few minutes. Esther got into a fight with her former boyfriend who they were planning a wedding together. He had already met her parents and had been given permission to go ahead with the wedding plans. But before then, she noticed that he had deleted all phone numbers of male friends including cousins from her phone. On asking him, a fight ensued. The matter reached her mother who demanded that everything he had taken to her home be returned immediately. The guy hurried and married. He then ensured that he sent photos of his current relationship including the baby to her email. So she asks wouldn't he leave her in peace if he is happily married? Not only is that enough, he has also started sending messages that he still loves her.  

I cant wait for that time when women living with HIV will just be like those living with other terminal illnesses. That time when there will be no stigma and dating HIV negative men will be easier. I have seen many take off once i mentioned HIV and i gave up disclosing. The process of disclosure is not easy and just when i have got courage to say it, the man takes off. For those that have not taken off and are still friends, i feel terrible that HIV is the only thing that keeps me from having a lasting relationship; or do i say they are not courageous or loving enough to take the risk? Take for example Simon, he is such a good man but since he knew my status we are just friends. We share a lot including preparing dinner at each others houses but its just that. I am here still waiting for the right one and the clock is ticking. At my age, some have given up but as Pauline i am not giving up. I believe he is somewhere and he will be better than all i have met. I will ask him where he has been all this time.