Sexual violence- My experience

The findings from the 2010 Kenya Violence against Children Study indicate that violence against children is a serious problem in Kenya. Levels of violence prior to age 18 as reported by 18 to 24 year olds (lifetime experiences) indicate that during childhood: 32% of females and 18% of males experience sexual violence. Females aged 18 to 24 who reported experiencing sexual violence in childhood were significantly more likely to report feelings of anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts and fair/poor health than those females who did not experience sexual violence. I concur with these statistics.

I have been pondering over sharing my experiences of sexual abuse in this forum for a long time now since i started this blog. I have finally gained the courage if only this will help someone who went through the same or to deter anyone from hurting a child. The trauma that results from sexual violence lasts for a life time. An abused child/woman is most likely to be abused again. Healing from this kind of trauma is the hardest journey i have had to go through.

I was sexually defiled in 1996 by a stranger. I was only 15 then and in form 2. My mum and i used to work in the forest where we used to be hired for casual labour. Our work was to harvest potatoes and we would be transported in big lorries as many women as possible. This was the only means to get school fees and food then and i did not have a choice. So this day mum did not make to the forest as she was feeling unwell and i accompanied other girls from the neighborhood. We got to work and unfortunately this day we could not find transport back home. These are my worst memories that i have never shared with anyone and its my first time i am doing so now. Often i find myself crying only to realize that i have never healed from this.  The man who had hired us became our Savior in pretense. He offered to find us a place to sleep and being in the forest, we had no option but to let him. He had other motive though and out of the three girls he found a place to sleep, he insisted i be one of them. The only thing i can report is that inside that forest that night, he defiled me. He had ensured that he found me a place to sleep alone and he assured me that i would be safe. I had never felt so much pain, fought so much with someone who finally overpowered me but that left me a scared and a traumatized girl. At this age, i had not experienced puberty as i experienced it very late in my adolescence at age 17. If i had, most probably that bastard would have impregnated me.

I hope my brothers will get to read this memoir someday. They will finally know why i have been so bitter with them. They were older, working and they never supported neither mum or i. I remember one day when i did not have fare to go to school. I went from one brother to another and none gave me the little transport money i needed. I did not know what to do next. In protest, i asked for a lift from a driver i knew who took me to Nyeri town and left me there. I had resorted to come here and find my uncle who would help me with fare. I found my uncle in a bar where he drunk until 11pm where i waited freezing with cold. He then drove me to his home in his car. On reaching there, his wife was not in and he forced me to have sex with him with the threat of shooting me if i refused. This was my first time to see a gun and i felt so scared.These two men one of which was a relative had taken advantage of my innocence.I hated the world.

These experiences are what changed my life. Every time Kev's dad wanted to have sex with me, i would resist and this would degenerate into a fight. Its actually now that i try to relate these horror experiences with how i got HIV. James had to force me to have sex with him as it was never at will. 
How about my hatred for men? Hmmmm now you know. Any man who disguises himself to love me in the name of sex is lying to himself. I hate sex as an act and have developed a very bad attitude to it. I have killed many relationships as a result as anytime a man asks me for sex, he does not see me again. If he insists i usually seem like i have ever done karate lessons. I am usually very defensive. 
This is what has led to my accepting the fact that i might end up living alone as a single mother as there are very few men who would understand me. Its very rare to find a man who is patient. Anyway i thank God that finally he gave me the courage to confess.