Depression- My Experience

Recently a poz guy stabbed his wife severally before running off to escape the police. He later reappeared and apologized. Before he committed the alleged crime, he would be alone most of the time, was irritable, refused to eat etc. His colleagues thought he was unwell and since he was not going to hospital they let him be. It was not until he committed the crime that reality dawned on them that indeed the man was depressed. When i saw the man, it rekindled the memories of my own experience.

Sometimes i imagine that someday i had gone mentally ill or do i say literally gone mad and i refuse to believe it. When i tested HIV positive,  I had exams and i had to push away the thoughts of accepting the reality just to allow me study.

It was in 2007 in my third year at the University. I was on Isoniazid as a TB preventive therapy for nine months. Life was normal until i started experiencing convulsions at night. I had no appetite, i had difficulties concentrating in class and any time i read my notes, i would forget everything. I felt tired, restless, wanted to be alone, was sad and hopeless. This particularly happened just after James died. I felt alone in a world which was so cruel.

One day i felt the urge to see Kev and i left Eldoret early and by five i was home. I got home and couldn't find my son. On inquiry, my brothers wife told me she had sent him to the shop. I slapped her. I demanded to know why she was sending my son at night yet she had her own sons. I told her i did not give birth to a son who would be a slave to her. A fight ensued. My brother who was away came in to find us fighting. He tried to come between us and i was so powerful for the two. Mum had the insults and scream and rushed to find out what was going on. I did not spare her either. I cannot remember how long this happened but all i know is that it was awful.

Then after the fight i cried for three hours. Sadness engulfed my home, nobody understood what was going on. Since childhood, i have never been violent. It was during this time amidst sobs that i told mum my status. Today, i don't remember how, but my brother told me i did.

On going back to school, i went back for my clinic appointment. I narrated what i was going through. I was then sent to the mental health department. I was assigned this doctor who i would meet after every two days to talk. Today i understand that this is known as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), a type of psychotherapy, or talk therapy, that helps people change negative thinking styles and behaviors that may contribute to their depression. I was also put on citalopram.Within a period which i don't remember, i was back to normal. 

Other than substance use dis-orders, depression is the most prevalent psychiatric disorder among HIV-positive (HIV+) adults. I now can testify this!