One of my resolutions this year was to start going to church. But I have found myself procrastinating everyday. Yesterday I had vowed that I would do all my clean up so that today I have time to go to church. On waking up, it felt so cold so I went back to bed.
The last time I went to church consecutively was ten years ago back in 2003. Then I was a staunch believer, saved and the soloist at my church. Kev was then one year old and I was going through hell without a job. The pastor where I attended church then was very supportive. The church members loved me a lot and I always looked forward to going to church. Its this pastor who prophesied that my life would change and when people see me they will stare in amazement. (I recently found out the pastor has since left preaching, he was caught pants down by his wife with another married woman).
It is after this that I managed to be readmitted at the University. Soon after I was going out with James and I knew I was not right with God. I opted to avoid church other than go and feel guilty. I had one room mate from first year to fourth year and my namesake was actually a leader in the Christian Union. She always urged me to go to church so sometimes I was forced to go in order to please her. I however would not concentrate any time I went. When I came to the city I decided to look for a church. Any time I spotted a church and went in, I left in less than half an hour. This happened severally until I decided to quit completely.
Recently I visited a friend who inquired why I don't go to church and I promised to answer him through this blog. Today is Sunday and I feel ready to say it all.
Honesty is a virtue that I was taught by mum at a young age and therefore I always feel obliged to stay honest. Its because of this that I have stayed away from church all this time. I do not want to lie to God. I know I am a sinner. I have committed countless sins. I would like to go to church only that time that am sure that I will be holy. That time I am sure I will follow the word of God to the latter.
Some events that happened to me while in church also have contributed a great deal to my dislike for church. When I was only 17 and in high school, I was accused of flirting with the church chairman and I received a beating from his wife. It was mum who rescued me from that huge woman. For more than a month I was the talk of the village, yet I had not met the man anywhere else other than at church. To date I dislike huge women as the image of this woman has remained stuck in my mind. Its very difficult for me to have a lasting relationship with a woman who is huge; say 90kgs and beyond. What followed was a series of meetings at the Chief's. It was only mum who was on my side, all including the church deacon blamed me and said I don't deserve to be in that church. Its now that I ask myself what could have led to such allegations yet I was so young. I had never known a man in my life. This incident made me hate my mum's church. I have never been back there. My mum is still a member of the same church. She told me my accusers would later pay for the damage they caused to our family. The deacon was later excommunicated for impregnating a girl in the same church.
I usually think that if hell is real, the highest number of those that shall burn in hell are Christians. Most are engrossed in sexual sins yet they are so religious on Sunday. I have vowed I will not be bound by religiosity in my belief in God. Take for example my campus room mate who was a leader in Christian Union. This young man used to visit our room many times and I never suspected his motive. My room mate was in love with him and when he told her it was actually me he was interested in, she literally fought me. I wondered why she would let herself be carried away by emotions. After all, it was clear to her that i wasn't interested in the man. I had already known my status by then and I never entertained men. My uncle is a wife batterer, womanizer, never provides for my auntie's family and yet he is the treasurer of his church. This neighbor of mine comes back to sleep with the house girl yet every Sunday they drive to church so early as a family. Should I say maybe nowadays people are not being taught good morals in church? I don't know anyway because according to me, those who attend church could be worse than me yet in their eyes I am headed to hell for not attending church.
Despite my not going to church, I am very prayerful. I always create time to talk to my God. He is my father and I am so free with him. I share with him my needs, weaknesses and thank him for my successes. I however need fellowship and that is what is missing in my life. May God open my eyes to see a church that worships him in truth and honesty.
No comments:
Post a Comment